Canada Renames ‘Hitman’ Bret Hart to ‘Hit-person’
CALGARY, ALBERTA – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced Thursday morning that he’ll officially be renaming Bret “Hitman” Hart to Bret “Hit-person” Hart, effective immediately.
The name change follows Justin Trudeau’s recent comment at a town hall event last Friday, in which he was asked a question by an audience member that referenced the word ‘mankind.’ Trudeau corrected the person, saying the word ‘peoplekind’ is preferable, presumably because it was a less offensive term to women.
Trudeau was apparently unaware that the word ‘mankind’ is short for ‘humankind,’ and was never meant to imply men are more important than women.
Trudeau received criticism for his remark, with both conservative and independent voters in the United States mocking him for taking his social justice views too far.
“The far left has lost their freakin’ minds,” Eric Bischoff wrote on Twitter. “This boy-band looking goof described everything wrong with the world in just one sentence.”
“Son of a BITCH,” vented Steve Austin on his “Steve Austin Show” podcast. “That dumb motherf*cker is out there carryin’ on about peoplekind like he’s some kind of social justice flag bearer, and all he did was make a giant jackass out of himself. If he was here right now I’d give that pretty boy the stunner until my ass falls off.”
Lance Storm, who is from Calgary and grew up a huge fan of Bret Hart, echoed the sentiments on his “Killing the Town” podcast Tuesday in his usual stone-faced, expression-less manner.
“If I could be serious for a minute,” he chimed in, playing off his famous catch phrase in ECW, “Justin Trudeau does not represent the opinion of all Canadian wrestling fans. For the record, I find this decision ill-informed, ill-advised, and ill-fated.”
On the other side, however, Trudeau received some support. Jim Cornette, a known Trump hater who openly champions liberal causes, voiced his approval of the name change.
“Goddamn,” he began on his “Jim Cornette Experience” podcast, “it offends me as a male feminist to hear the word ‘mankind.’ Why is that so hard for the right-wing nutjobs to understand? Are they crazy? We want to change Bret’s name from Hitman to Hit-person, and WE’RE the crazy ones?? Maybe to those misogynistic rednecks, but to those of us with common sense, Hit-person sounds completely and perfectly reasonable and inoffensive.”
Mick Foley, who also openly supports liberal causes, was torn.
“On one hand, I support women’s rights, the #MeToo movement, and gender equality,” he wrote in a handwritten note that he photographed and posted on Twitter. “On the other hand, I’m afraid Trudeau may seek to change my OWN name in Canada. Cactus Jack is okay, but will he change Mankind to Peoplekind? And what about Dude Love? Will it be Person Love?”
“Where do we cross the line?” Foley continued in another note. “Does the Repo Man now become Repo Person? Is the Macho Man now the Macho Person? Will Brian Kendrick go from the Man with a Plan to the Person with a Plan?”
The name change would only be for Canada, not the United States, which Trudeau doesn’t have legal jurisdiction over. However Trudeau has already submitted a Name Change Request to WWE’s Marketing department, which would authorize the “Hit-person” name for the entire world. The request isn’t expected to be approved by Vince McMahon, although with McMahon busy prepping the launch of the XFL, it’s possible the request may get approved by another party.
Bret Hart, who is a national icon in Canada and well known in several other countries dating back to the 1980s, has a long family history in Calgary. When reached for comment, however, he seemed unaffected.
“I really don’t give a damn,” he said to CTV. “I stopped caring about wrestling years ago, and I’m happy in retirement. I do want to beat the sh*t out of Trudeau; not because of this, but because he’s a teenage girl trapped inside a teenage boy’s body. He’s a smug, stupid, annoying little bitch who badly needs to tap out to my Sharpshooter before I bury him in his own diapers.”