STAMFORD, CT — In line with his well known knack for “Turning negatives into positives,” Vince McMahon has decided to cash in on the string of muscle tears that have plagued his company by marketing a new line of “Muscle Tear Toys.” The immediate best seller has become John Cena’s “Spinning Pec,” which is a new twist on the top selling spinning championship belts that fans of Cena had been buying in droves.
Fresh off a pectoral muscle tear suffered on the October 1 edition of Monday Night RAW, WWE champion John Cena pitched the idea of the “Spinning Pec” to Vince McMahon the following morning while laid up in a hospital bed.
“The muscle was torn completely off the bone, and so it just hung there like a water balloon,” said Cena from his physical rehabilitation therapy session in Massachusetts.
“This kid came up to me and slapped my chest, and the chest muscle started spinning like a globe. I thought to myself, ‘That’s f*ckin’ awesome; we should market this.'”
Cena said he then phoned WWE’s Marketing division, which drew up a business plan and pitched it to McMahon that afternoon.
Vince was reportedly, “Blown away,” and authorized an emergency prototype.
Seven days later, the “Spinning Pec” was refined and on the toy market, where it has become a best seller at retail chains across the country.
WWE has said other performers with notable chest regions will also have their own line of Spinning Pec toys, including Torrie Wilson, Candice Michelle, Mickie James, Melina, Viscera, and Dusty Rhodes.
“I want my chest to spin just like Cena’s!” screamed Jameson Price, a 7-year-old from Boston who just started the 3rd grade. “Mommy bought it for me yesterday, saying it’s an early Christmas present. Next, I want her to buy me the Torn Quad.”
Price was referring to a new product modeled after HHH and Vince McMahon’s famous injury, which is a torn quadriceps. The new “Torn Quad” product is the #2 seller, behind the “Spinning Pec.”
“World Wrestling Entertainment performers have spent years abusing anabolic steroids,” said Vince McMahon at a conference call with stock holders Monday morning.
“This has led to a sharp rise in muscle tears, which unfortunately have depleted our roster as our performers have spent months recovering from surgeries, rehab stints, and long bouts of physical therapy. In order to offset this short term negative effect on our business, we’re instead turning a negative into a positive. Hence, our new line of “Muscle Tear Toys” will bolster our bottom line and ensure profitable quarters for years to come.”