STAMFORD, CT — Stephanie McMahon, the current head of World Wrestling Entertainment’s (WWE’s) Creative department, has been revealed as the illegitimate son of Vince McMahon, said WWE General Manager Jonathan Coachman. Paternity test results showed a 99.9% chance that Stephanie is Vince’s son, and Vince has admitted to a 1976 affair with female bodybuilding star and former WWE performer Nicole Bass.
The news came as a shock to everyone in the wrestling community.
The shock was not that Stephanie turned out to be a man, but that his mother is not Vince’s wife, Linda McMahon.
“We all knew Steph was a young lad deep down,” said William Regal in his distinct British accent, in between bouts of dry heaving.
“That’s not the ‘surprise,’ as you Americans might call it. The shock to me was that the mother, or father I should say, is this Nicole Bass character. We all thought all along it was Linda. It’s the shock of all shocks.”
Nicole Bass, a female bodybuilder who first gained fame in 1993 as a character on the Howard Stern Show, worked for WWE in 1999 as a character and wrestler in both the men’s and women’s divisions.
Bass later sued WWE for sexual harassment, but lost the case.
Still, even McMahon’s closest friends were in amazement that Vince had an affair with Bass over 30 years ago.
“All I can say is Wow,” said Gerald Brisco, who has worked for McMahon for years. “Nicky (Nicole Bass) was a nice lady, but not sexual in the least. Vince was a playboy who had high standards, and as unattractive as Linda was in the ’70s, she was 10 times hotter than Nicky.”
“Quite frankly, Nick Hogan is better looking than Nick Bass,” joked Jerry Lawler, who announces for WWE’s Monday Night Raw program. “I’ll sleep with anything that walks, and I wouldn’t touch Nicole. The only reason I’d want her breasts hovering over me was if she was spotting my bench press.”
Bass was unavailable for comment, but her husband spoke to the media briefly.
“I’m as shocked as anyone, but I’m standing by my wife,” he said. “This was 30 years ago, and Nicole was quite the looker back then. She was much younger and more feminine, and I’m not surprised Vince wanted her. I’m not leaving my wife’s side. I love her no matter what. I have to, or else she’d beat the sh*t out of me.”
HHH appeared overjoyed that the truth was finally out regarding Stephanie.
“Finally, we can stop the charades,” he remarked, grinning ear to ear. “For so many years, we had to put up this front that Stephanie was a woman. Now it’s all out in the open, and it feels great. It’s like this huge load is lifted off our shoulders, and believe me, I know all about huge loads.”
But was HHH angry that Linda is not Stephanie’s mother after all?
“No, not at all,” he told reporters. “Vince runs this business, not Linda. He’s the one I want family ties to, not her. Besides, Nicole Bass is a hero of mine. I followed her career growing up, and my crush on her led me to fall for Chyna years later.”
In fact, HHH even hinted that he had relations with Nicole when she worked for WWE.
“When Nicole worked for WWE, I took a lot of bumps for her, and not all of them were in the ring (laughs),” he said in passing.
The revelation could mean HHH slept with his husband Stephanie, as well as his mother-in-law. For now, though, he remained in great spirits.
“Honestly, I can’t see what all the fuss is about,” said HHH. “My wife is a man, my father-in-law is Vince McMahon, and my mother-in-law is Nicole Bass. This is a dream come true. Excuse me while I jizz on myself.”
Vince could not be reached for comment, while Linda released a statement saying she was busy consoling the man she thought was her daughter, Stephanie.
It is not clear how this real-life issue will play out in WWE storyline, but new ideas are being discussed. One idea is to have Stephanie wrestle Nicole at WrestleMania, or a tag-team feud between Stephanie and HHH against Vince and Nicole. Linda could also wrestle Nicole, with Stephanie at stake.
Whatever the end result, WWE wrestlers are sickened by the news.
“The genetic jackhammer slept with a she-male in the ’70s,” said Carlito, who wrestles for WWE. “That’s not cool.”
“I’ll never be able to look at Vince the same again,” said King Booker, who wrestles for WWE’s Raw brand. “I’ve always said to save the drama for your mama, and this involves Stephanie’s mama. So we can’t save the drama no more.”
The lone man out appears to be Ken Kennedy, who many thought was Vince’s illegitimate son all along.
“My career is now officially over, he said, then waited three seconds, and then said, “oooo-vvvv-eeee-rrrr.”
Shane McMahon, Vince’s son, said he now questions his own genetics.
“Stephanie, now that you mention it, looks like Nicole Bass,” he said via telephone. “If my own looks are any indication, my mother may not be Linda, either. I’m going to request a DNA sample from the Pillsbury Doughboy.”