Democrats Propose Ban on Smoking Gunns
WASHINGTON, DC – Democrat representatives in Congress announced a proposal Tuesday morning to ban the Smoking Gunns, a move lawmakers say comes as a response to the recent Florida shooting by Nikolas Cruz that left 17 people dead.
The announcement comes as a response from students, parents, and other ignorant observers who have called for stricter gun control laws. The Smoking Gunns, a WWF tag team from the mid 1990s comprised of Billy & Bart Gunn, are considered “assault wrestlers,” which critics argue are similar to the “assault weapon” Cruz used in his shooting spree.
“I think most people are fine with access to pistols, shotguns, etc. with the proper background checks,” wrote Rich Bocchini on Twitter, co-host of The JJ Dillon Show podcast often mocked by even its own podcast network for how dull it is. “I don’t care what anyone says; no one needs an AR-15. They just don’t. The second amendment was written before there was a ‘well regulated militia’ like the National Guard.”
Bocchini was apparently unaware that more mass shootings have been carried out with pistols and handguns than AR-15’s, let alone knives, which have killed more people than guns by a wide margin.
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) stated the Smoking Gunns ban also includes all references to Shotgun Saturday Night, a syndicated B-level show produced by WWE (then called WWF) in the late 1990s. Pelosi said the bill would force WWE to remove Shotgun Saturday Night from the WWE Network, apparently unaware that the program isn’t even on the WWE Network in the first place.
“I’d rather lose an election than have the deadly Smoking Gunns on television,” said Pelosi to members of Congress. “Billy and especially Bart are deadly assault weapons, and it’s far too easy for young people to go on the WWE Network and watch their matches without proper background checks. Do we care for our children, or don’t we?” finished Pelosi, who didn’t seem to express similar concern for children’s safety when she supported abortion rights during the last election cycle.
Democrat Senator Richard Blumenthal, who defeated Linda McMahon in the Connecticut Senate Race in 2010, said the Senate may amend the bill to further ban Billy Gunn and Bart Gunn as singles competitors. If such a bill passes, this would affect every single segment on the WWE Network involving DX, the New Age Outlaws, and Bart’s memorable feud with Butterbean.
Tracy Smothers, who wrestled in WCW (World Championship Wrestling) during the Jim Herd era, was afraid his own legacy may be erased from professional wrestling. Smothers formed a tag team with Steve Armstrong called the Young Pistols, a name Democrats may consider offensive since it’s similar to Smoking Gunns.
“After Steve and I were called the Southern Boys in WCW, we were called the Young Pistols,” lamented Smothers in an email to The Armpit. “We don’t have a TON of matches as the Young Pistols on the WWE Network, but given how Democrats despise the South and middle America in general, they might find the term ‘Southern Boys’ offensive too. Hell, the term ‘Boys’ offends them now too, because it assumes our gender.”
Reaction from wrestling fans online was mixed, with liberal supporters largely in favor of the move.
“I think it’s a step in the right direction,” noted Ryan Satin, who formerly worked for TMZ and now heads up Pro Wrestling Sheet. “People don’t kill people; GUNS kill people. So if we can remove the Smoking Gunns and Shotgun Saturday Night from wrestling history, we’ll save lives.”
Others weren’t quite so pleased.
“This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, and I’ve worked with Vince Russo so that covers a lot of ground,” tweeted Eric Bischoff. Bischoff, known for his conservative views, noted “You can ban firearms all you want, it’s not going to stop mentally ill criminals from getting their hands on them and murdering people. What’s next, we ban matches so that arsonists can’t set fires? Do we ban knives, automobiles, and bricks? All those things kill people too.”
Vince McMahon, for his part, probably needn’t worry. Not only does his wife Linda work for the Trump administration, it’s also unlikely the law would pass anyway.
“It’s ridiculous to think this legislation will go anywhere,” said Ben Shapiro, a conservative political commentator on his Ben Shapiro Show podcast. “Luckily Democrats don’t control the House, Senate, or White House. Thank God we have a President who would veto that turkey of a bill, and a Republican-controlled Congress and Senate that wouldn’t even pass it in the first place.”