ST. LOUIS, MO – James Ellsworth has self-identified as a woman in order to legally win the first ever women’s Money in the Bank match put on by WWE last week.
Many wrestling fans were outraged when James Ellsworth, the male valet of Carmella, climbed the ladder to grab the Money in the Bank (MITB) briefcase and win the match. He wasn’t a participant in the match, which also featured Natalya, Charlotte Flair, Tamina, Becky Lynch, and the aforementioned Carmella. Ellsworth also isn’t a biological woman, thus theoretically making him ineligible for the match.
Ellsworth, however, proclaimed that he self-identifies as a woman. WWE has assessed the situation and respected Ellsworth’s transgender rights, thus sanctioning the victory in the MITB match.
“Before I climbed that ladder, I decided at that moment that I self-identified as a woman,” wrote Ellsworth in a statement to the press. “Gender identity is a hot political topic today, and it’s becoming more and more accepted for gender neutrality to dominate sports and everyday life. You see men in women’s bathrooms, because they self-identify as women. You see men in women’s sports, because they self-identify as women. This is no different.”
WWE, which relies heavily on sponsors and advertisers, appeared to err on the side of political correctness and firmly stood by Ellsworth’s decision.
“World Wrestling Entertainment proudly believes in the rights of all Americans to identify with whichever gender they choose. For this reason, we find it perfectly acceptable for Mr. Ellsworth to self-identify as a female. It is our position that his MITB victory should stand, and we support him/her in his/her quest for championship gold.”
Privately, however, office employees are singing a different tune.
“What a load of horsesht crock-a-doodle-do this is,” said one executive at WWE Headquarters who asked not to be identified. “We’re a country of pansy-ass whiny liberal snowflake crybabies who can’t even figure out which gender they are, let alone understand common fcking sense.”
TJ Wilson (Tyson Kidd), the husband of Natlya Neidhart, went public with his comments.
“This is a lame attempt at political correctness by James Ellsworth (@realellsworth) to cover up for the fact that he cheated his ass off,” he tweeted. “He’s a p*ssy, but he ain’t no woman and he knows it. Self-identify my ass! Nattie should’ve won.”
Even Ric Flair, who had been back in WWE’s good graces of late, made controversial remarks that went against the company’s public position.
“Absolute bull,” he said in a statement to the local news station in St. Louis. “I talked to Vince and Hunter, and they know damn well Ellsworth doesn’t think he’s a woman. But what can they do? They’d rather pacify these loons than say what they really feel. They’re on the stock market now, they can’t rock the boat and risk losing sponsors. Everyone knows Charlotte should’ve won.”
Liberal wrestling fans were suspiciously quiet during all the Twitter madness. Many of them had voiced outrage of the finish of Ellsworth winning, but when he publicly stated he self-identified as a woman, they had no choice but to accept it because they’d be hypocrites if they stated otherwise.
Mick Foley, a devout liberal, gave a halfhearted endorsement of WWE’s decision. “I respect Jimmy Ellsworth’s gender identity, and, um, if I’m going to support transgender bathrooms then I have to support men wrestling in the women’s division if they identify as women.”
The LGBTQ community was thrilled, with GLAAD releasing a statement praising WWE:
“We wish to congratulate WWE for recognizing and promoting tolerance and gender neutrality in their women’s division. We hope this trend continues and that we can see male and female wrestlers sharing the same locker room, unifying the women’s and men’s championships, and having men and women wrestle each other with supreme equality. There’s no reason Alexa Bliss can’t take on Brock Lesnar if she self-identifies as a man, and WWE should promote such a match. There’s also no reason Big Show and Braun Strowman can’t wrestle in a bra-and-panties match, since they did that with the women wrestlers years ago. Why not? We’re all human beings and our genitals do not dictate who we are.”
Jerry Lawler, whose gimmick of drooling over the female wrestlers was close to his real life persona, was ecstatic.
“What a brilliant idea by Ellsworth!” he wrote on his website. “Transgender schmansgender… from this point on, I self-identify as a woman wrestler! Put me in the ring with Sasha Banks and let me roll around on the mat with her! Put my dressing room inside hers and let me watch her get undressed and stare at her puppies!!”
A quick snapshot poll was taken Wednesday morning, with Americans overwhelmingly (90%) believing that James Ellsworth should NOT be allowed to keep the MITB briefcase for Carmella, no matter how he identifies himself. The 10% who voted in favor of Ellsworth’s victory were all college age students, and all were based out of San Francisco, Los Angeles, and New York.
No one had brought up the fact that, regardless of Ellsworth’s gender identification, he was never a legal participant in the match to begin with. When reached for comment about this, an anonymous spokesperson (we’re no longer allowed to say spokesman or spokeswoman, for fear of offending someone’s gender identification) for WWE told us, “Dude, it’s wrestling. Who cares. Rules don’t matter. We let Ellsworth win to pacify the left, okay? If we didn’t, they’d be protesting in Stamford and beating the sh*t out of office employees in the name of tolerance and love trumping hate. Vince thinks they’re nuts, but he’s not about to lose Fruity Pebbles as a sponsor over some fruity protesters.”