WWE Conditionally Hires Matt Hardy

STAMFORD, CT — Challenging traditional sports procedures, and snubbing Congress while he’s at it, World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) owner Vince McMahon signed wrestle Matt Hardy to a new contract, with the conditional requirement that he first fail a test for anabolic steroids.
“Matt has long been known for being clean and steroid-free, and that isn’t gonna fly here, so to speak,” said McMahon when reached by telephone.

“Matt’s a talented individual whom we can certainly utilize here in World Wrestling Entertainment, but we do have standards of employment that must be met. Among those standards is a physique the likes of which is unattainable via traditional methods of bodybuilding. We’d love to welcome Matt back to WWE, but until he takes these illegal measures to improve his musculature, we can’t do business with him.”  
The announcement of Matt’s signing comes as only a minor surprise to wrestling fans and industry followers.

Hardy has been referred to twice in the last month; first on the ECW One Night Stand pay-per-view, and again on Raw during the Edge-Lita wedding.

Hardy was fired in April, not long after his longtime relationship with Lita came to an end after she admitted an affair with Edge, formerly one of Hardy’s best friends. Hardy has had harsh words for both of them on the internet, but everyone involved is aware of the money that could be drawn if the real life storyline is turned into a pro wrestling angle.

Steroids are an illegal, performance-enhancing drug that radically improve the physiques and muscle tones of the men and women who use them.

Along with Human Growth Hormone (HGH), steroids are the drug of choice among a majority of WWE performers, whose position on the cards is very much related to their physiques.

Both WWE champions, Batista and John Cena, have remarkable physiques, though Cena has insisted in interviews he does not use steroids. In addition, younger wrestlers who are signed to WWE developmental contracts are mostly well muscled, far more than they would be using traditional bodybuilding methods.

“The choice is his,” said Matt’s brother and former tag team partner, Jeff. “He’s got to weigh his health against his career. Until now, he has valued his health more. But WWE is WWE, and it’s every wrestler’s dream to work there. Matt’s got some soul searching to do.”

Jeff has wrestled recently with TNA, but has been on the outs with them after no-showing a PPV event. Jeff and Matt were expected to re-unite in TNA, but now those plans are up in the air. 

“Dude Matt, just DO IT,” yelled Raven, who is currently TNA’s champion.

“I’ll even shoot you up myself, for criminy’s sake. Drugs are only bad if you abuse them. The side effects are overrated, and you’ll end up looking great and buff when it’s over. Just get on them now, and then get off later. Strike while the iron is hot.”

Wrestler HHH, who is very influential behind the scenes in WWE, said he’d be glad to have Hardy back in the fold.

“Matt, this isn’t a very difficult decision to make,” said HHH.

“Just take the pen, sign your name, and then come with me. I’ll hook you up. Look at Evolution, and what steroids did for our careers. Randy has packed on dozens of pounds of pure, lean muscle. Batista… find me one 39-year-old who looks like him. Ric Flair, for crying out loud, the guy is 10 times harder than he was in WCW. And me, just look at me now compared to seven years ago. On the juice, you’ll be huge! Go for the plunge, Matt, and Vince and I will make sure you’re taken care of. I promise I won’t bury you like I did your brother.”

Even McMahon’s strongest critics and supporters were shocked that WWE would be so forward and open about their “use the juice or we’ll cut you loose” policy. McMahon was indicted in 1994 on charges related to steroid distribution. He was later acquitted in Federal court, and since then, the physiques of his wrestlers have never been more impressive.

“You’ve got the sports media, and even the mainstream media, writing stories every day about steroids in baseball,” said one wrestling journalist who asked not to be identified.

“And McMahon has his own history of troubles with the law over steroid use. And yet, he went on TV and lambasted the injured Randy Orton for getting off steroids and looking skinny. Next thing you know, Orton was back on SmackDown with tons of new muscle. And now this with Matt Hardy. Yet the media STILL ignores wrestling and its wrongdoings. Unbelievable. They’re getting away with murder, all of them.” 

Despite all of that, McMahon remained firm. “If Matt takes our steroid test and passes, then we have no deal,” he stated.

“We just don’t operate that way. We’re WWE, and we’re larger than life. We turn heads at airports. We don’t look like our fans. We’re superstars, and Matt quite frankly doesn’t look like a superstar. Matt needs the juice, and the juice needs Matt. The juice, Matt, and WWE all equate to a winning equation. We’re confident Matt will make the right choice.”

Edge and Lita, who also have impressive physical attributes that are difficult to obtain without chemical help, are ready to work with Matt.

Through their publicist, they released a statement saying, “We wish Matt all the luck in the world, and hope he makes the right choice. If he needs help in failing the steroid test, we’re welcome to help him at any time.”

Earlier this year, after Hardy was fired, Edge’s estranged wife went on the internet and publicly accused both Edge and Lita of using steroids.

Matt had not made his decision at press time, and currently has a poll up on his website asking his fans what they think he should do.