Undertaker Refuses to Sell for Baby Daughter

DEATH VALLEY, CA — Professional wrestler the Undertaker, who is a proud new father of a baby girl with wife Sara Calloway, has refused to sell for her and ruled out any possibility of showing emotions of fatherly joy.

The couple, who first became parents in 2002, stayed at the hospital for days following the birth.

While Sara was crying uncontrollably with tears of joy, the Undertaker remained stone faced and emotionless, refusing to shed a tear or crack a smile.

“She (the newborn baby) hasn’t paid her dues,” explained Undertaker. “This ain’t no free ride, sister. When that bitch gets on her hands and knees, crawls toward me, stands up, and walks across the room without falling, then I’ll put her over. Until then, she’s gotta pay her dues like everyone else in this business.”

Such lack of emotional expression is nothing new to wrestling fans, who have been watching the Undertaker character for 15 years.

“Why am I not surprised?” questioned wrestling fan Dave Prazak. “Here’s a guy who refuses to sell his opponents’ offense, night in and night out, year after year. He’ll take a punch, and barely flinch. He’ll take a finishing maneuver, and then pop right back up. Doing jobs is not in his vocabulary. He’s like HHH in that he’ll never let anyone get over.”

Prazak points to numerous examples, including rising stars like Chris Nowinski, Maven, and Jeff Hardy as just a few of the guys he has stopped dead in their tracks.

“Undertaker doesn’t sell, period,” said another fan, Karl Stern. “But if you’re his friend? Yeah, you stand a fighting chance. But if you come in and haven’t paid your dues, he’ll pulverize you, give you no offense, not sell, and then complain to management that you suck.”

Past history does seem to indicate some truth to the claims. When WWE purchased rival organization WCW in 2001, one of the first casualties was Mike Awesome. Awesome, who was a prominent performer in FMW, ECW, and WCW, was paired with the Undertaker for a series of matches.

Despite the fact that Awesome had worked stellar main events with opponents like Spike Dudley in the past, Undertaker told Vince McMahon that Awesome couldn’t work. Awesome was then released, and has been floundering in Japan ever since.

In the case of Nowinski, who nearly won WWE’s Tough Enough contest, the Harvard grad was beginning to show personality and wrestling skills after months of no progress.

His decorated scholastic achievements got him coverage on national newscasts. But just as he began to get over, the Undertaker came out and choke slammed him on an edition of Raw, thus burying the character forever.

Perhaps the most telling example was the angle that brought wife Sara Calloway into the international spotlight in 2001. Videos were shown on WWE TV of Sara being stalked by a predator with a mask, in order to get under the Undertaker’s skin. The masked mad then revealed himself to be WCW wrestler Diamond Dallas Page.

The live crowd reacted strong to the unmasking, but the angle was deflated after a long-winded promo by Page. Shortly thereafter, the inventive angle was suddenly dropped, as was Page’s planned feud with Undertaker.

Page later suffered a severe neck injury, parted ways with WWE, and sat on the sidelines for years before joining up with the TNA group in 2004.

But Undertaker isn’t like that with everyone.

“Back in ’94, there was an Undertaker vs. Undertaker feud in the WWF,” notes wrestling historian Sheldon Goldberg. “The imposter Undertaker was Smoky Mountain Wrestling headliner Brian Lee, who just so happened to be a good friend of Undertaker. He wasn’t deserving of the push, but again, he had the right friends.”

In the feud, Undertaker sold heavily for the imposter, and the two wrestled at that year’s SummerSlam. Lee then had a job in WWE much later as part of the DOA, a heel group that never really got over despite having a colorful ring entrance with fancy motorcycles and music.

Nearby parents were outraged as Undertaker told his wife to “Dry your f*cking eyes; make her earn your respect first. I wanna see her put asses in the seats and do squats until she passes out. Look at her, she’s giving you love taps with her weak hands. Her offense isn’t convincing. Who cares if she’s a day old, I expect more from her by now. She’s had 9 months in the womb to practice this sh*t. If you put her over now, she’ll never learn. Make her cry, damnit.”

Undertaker then grabbed his baby daughter by the throat to give her the Last Ride, but doctors and nurses were able to stop him before any serious injuries were sustained.

Undertaker was escorted to the parking lot without incident, and police said they would not be pressing charges.