STAMFORD, CT — As part of an effort to cut company costs for the next fiscal quarter, WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) announced today that it was releasing God, George Bush, and Osama bin Laden from its roster.
All three men have no-compete clauses that expire in 90 days, after which they are free to work elsewhere.
“Our creative team just had no ideas for them,” said a WWE publicist.
“All three men are talented individuals, and we wish them luck in their future endeavors. Perhaps if they prove themselves further on the independent wrestling circuit, they could be brought back once we have the budget and once we have new ideas for them.”
Our Lord and savior was shocked that he was released as part of the cuts.
“Who do they think they are?” said God.
“I mean, I created all of them, and I created Earth. You’d think they could come up with at least some ideas for my character given my own history. I’m a household name in every home across the universe. If they don’t have ideas for me, then shouldn’t the writers be cut and not me?? It makes no sense. The merchandise I’m capable of selling alone is worth it to me. It’s their loss.”
Not only that, said God, but for a company that has a limited budget, they seemed to have enough money to pay for the Raw Diva Search contest.
“Here you’ve got these beautiful women prancing around in body parts that I certainly did NOT create,” continued God.
“And yet they’ve earmarked $250,000 for one of these women. Why not use some of that money to pay my salary, and cut the divas?? Is it because I don’t have double D breasts and a nice ass? I can snap my fingers and have an ass like Leila’s, but it’s the principle. Screw that, I’ll just work for TNA.”
TNA stands for Total Nonstop Action, which is a competing wrestling organization. TNA booker Scott D’Amore said he’d welcome all three men with open arms.
“God has a wealth of potential here,” said D’Amore by phone. “Not only is he talented in the ring, but with his luck, he can also help make sure the company succeeds.”
D’Amore and his team are forbidden to pray for 90 days, after which God’s non-compete clause expires. Praying constitutes contract tampering, which is punishable in court.
“After those 90 days end, you can bet I’ll be on my hands and knees praying for God,” he confirmed.
President George Bush, fresh off an election win that will keep him in office until 2009, was furious over the release. White House spokesperson Scott McClellan told reporters this morning how dumbfounded he was by the news.
“How do you have the President of the friggin’ United States and NOT have ideas for him??” McClellan asked reporters. “This creative team has got to be the biggest bunch of nitwits ever assembled. You’ve got Bush and Osama under contract, which is a natural feud. And yet ‘creative,’ which is a term I use loosely, can’t see that. With all due respect to God, who I understand was also released, to Hell with WWE!”
Bush’s Southern accent may have rubbed some people the wrong way in WWE, which has been based out of the Northeast for decades.
However, the company’s all-time biggest draw, Steve Austin, hails from Bush’s home state of Texas. Austin had words about the news as well.
“Sh*t, I ain’t saying the sonofagun is the best talker there is, but shoot, the guy’s got talent and name recognition,” said Austin.
“Plus, put him in the ring with Osama and I guarantee you it’ll outdraw anything Rock and I ever did.”
Bush sent word out that he regrets WWE’s decision, and will sit out his 90 days and then perhaps hook up with TNA. There has also been interest from Japan, especially Pride. While Bush has not ruled out competing in MMA shoots, he’s anxious to hearing all offers from all interested parties.
Osama bin Laden, currently the most wanted terrorist in the world, was outraged upon hearing the news from WWE’s talent relations director John Laurinaitis.
Bin Laden released an audio tape that aired on Al-Jazeera, stating that, “The ugly Americans have struck again. Why they cut me and kept Mohammad Hassan is beyond me. They had the real deal. They had Osama. I can work, I can wrestle injured, and I can draw ugly Americans to their ugly arenas. McMahon made a grave mistake, let me tell you.”
Reporters were not allowed at Osama’s press conference, and US authorities are working to decipher the tape to authenticate if it’s really Osama speaking.
On the subject of wrestling George Bush, bin Laden did allude to it in his statement.
“While it is true I do not get along with fellow Bush, I would be willing to work with the man to draw money. Money that could be used to fund terror and kill all you infidels. I have history with Bush’s father. We could do father/son tag team match. Why did not WWE creative think of this?”
Translators said bin Laden also suggested a 3-way dance Triple Threat match with himself, Bush, and former president Bill Clinton. If neither of those men would be willing to do business, there were still other wrestlers that could’ve feuded with bin Laden.
“The feud (with Bush) is obvious,” said Wade Keller, who once worked for Al-Jazeera before they fired him for fabricating headlines and now publishes the Pro Wrestling Torch.
“But there were also feuds Osama could’ve worked with pro-American wrestlers such as JBL, Kurt Angle, Jim Duggan, Hulk Hogan, and Sgt. Slaughter. I spoke to Hogan last night, and he said he’d be willing to put his personal feelings aside and work with bin Laden if it was right for business.”
In addition, a Bush-Osama feud would likely draw well all around the world, with each playing the face/heel role depending on which country they headline in.
All of these ideas are now irrelevant, since WWE has no plans to bring any of the three men back anytime soon. Perhaps in 90 days, TNA will pick them up and create storylines for them. It is believed that the men may also be able to earn more income working indies, and picking up extra cash doing Polaroids with fans.
These roster cuts come just days after WWE released over fifteen other wrestlers, including the Dudley Boys, Billy Kidman, Maven, Mark Jindrak, and Gangrel.
More on this story as it develops.