WWE to Enter Video Sex Tape Market

STAMFORD, CT — World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) announced at last week’s quarterly stockholder press conference that they would be entering the video sex tape market in order to expand their business and increase revenues for the next fiscal year.

On the heels of the enormously successful Tommy Lee/Pam Anderson sex tape in the late 1990s, many in the wrestling industry questioned whether such a product would translate well into the wrestling world. That question was seemingly answered after the success of the recent Sean Waltman/Joanie Laurer sex tape, which quickly became an internet sensation.

“We have an obligation to our stockholders,” noted WWE CEO Linda McMahon, who is also one of WWE’s main stockholders. “An obligation to continuously explore new business opportunities as they present themselves. This foray into the video sex tape market just represents WWE’s determination to seize on any and all new avenues of revenue growth to lead us into the 21st century.”

McMahon then ran through a list of all personalities within the company who would be asked to participate in the venture and exploit their personal relationships.

The first video to hit the market will be the highly anticipated sex tape featuring current WWE world champion HHH and his wife, Stephanie McMahon, who heads WWE’s Creative division.

WWE color commentator Jerry Lawler, who has been assigned the duty of reviewing all sex tapes for possible release, was fielding questions from reporters at the stockholders meeting. “A huge, huge percentage of our audience wants to see HHH and Stephanie doing the nasty,” he told ABC News. “Both of them have been going on the Howard Stern Show over the last few years, answering all sorts of personal questions. Did you know HHH has no ball hair? Well, now you will. It’s gonna shock the world when they see this.”

The next tape to get released will feature WWE SmackDown competitor Booker T and his wife, formerly known as WCW Nitro Girl Paisley.

“What better way to get this marriage off the ground than showing the world how Paisley and I get down wit’ it?” noted Booker. “We had a film crew there to capture all the festivities from our honeymoon. Every different camera angle you can think of, they shot it. It worked for Tonya Harding, and it will work for us.”

For subsequent releases, other sex tapes are being considered. The decision will be made initially by Lawler, and then run by the McMahons (Vince and Linda) for final approval.

Also in the running are SmackDown competitor Charlie Haas, who married WWE diva Jackie Gayda late last year.

“I figure, why not?” Gayda told reporters. “The whole world has already seen me cheat on my old boyfriend during the first season of WWE Tough Enough. There really isn’t much more to lose by having them all see me getting banged, slapped, and rammed by Charlie’s hot rod. Personally, we’re looking forward to it.”

WWE wrestler Edge, who has been married twice, is in negotiations to release a video he recorded with his first wife, the sister of WWE wrestler Val Venis. “I just have to find the damn thing,” said Edge. “I’ve got so many of those tapes, so I’ll have to set aside a weekend to find that one. Luckily, Lawler has volunteered to help out.”

During the conference, McMahon emphasized that sex tape releases will not be limited to WWE characters currently under contract.

“We spoke with Randy Savage just yesterday, and he said he might have an old tape sitting around with he and Elizabeth getting it on like jack rabbits. We’ll be pursuing that with the family of Elizabeth. Royalties would be paid, of course,” said McMahon.

“We’re also talking with the families of Missy Hyatt and Madusa,” she continued. “They both married Eddie Gilbert, and some videos might exist of them. Missy in particular might represent a goldmine for us, so we’re talking extensively with her. Lawler and the Kat, that’s a no-brainer. Jerry has been extremely gracious with us in allowing WWE full access to his vast sex tape library. Brian Pillman, Tom Zenk, Michael Hayes… we’re talking to representatives from all of those parties. There has been talk of offering these as an add-on to our 24/7 project.”

Not all WWE employees will be required to participate. Several personalities, including Mick Foley, have gone out of their way to express their disinterest in the project.

“Yeah, I’ve got footage of me slipping Colette the bone,” said Foley. “I’ve got a 3-tape set, one for each Face of Foley (Dude Love, Mankind, and Cactus Jack). But will I let WWE market them? No way. You have to cross the line somewhere.”

Ric Flair has also declined to participate, noting that releasing such tapes may cause trouble with his marriage to wife Beth.

WWE writer Brian Gewirtz also declined, saying he has no sex tapes because he has never had sex. He will, however, consider releasing a video of himself masturbating to the HHH/Stephanie sex tape.

“There has been talk of that, yes,” said Gewirtz. “There’s a huge masturbation market out there that has, until now, gone untapped. This is my chance to be a real pioneer of something extremely, extremely pathetic.”

Veteran WWE diva Terri Boatwright, who was married to former WWE wrestler Goldust and current TNA wrestler Dustin Rhodes, is scheduled to have her own special line of tapes released in 2006.

“We’ve got big plans for Terri,” concluded McMahon. “Her sex tapes were not part of the settlement when we purchased WCW, where she did the majority of her film work. But we’re in talks with Turner’s organization about licensing the rights. The amount of film on just her alone is enough to warrant an entire line devoted to Terri. We’re really excited about working with her.”

McMahon suggested that they would be consulting with the members of Motley Crue and Poison for advice about how to market the tapes. Actress Pamela Anderson, who has appeared on camera for WWE in the past, may also be consulted with. “Hell, I might even release a tape of my own,” remarked McMahon in her familiar monotone. “I’ve got plenty of tapes of me riding Vince like a bronco. And with Vince now confined to a wheelchair, that represents a whole new market for us, because believe you me, I get down with my bad self on his handicapped hot dog. Rusty trombones, dirty Sanchezes… the whole 9 yards.”

Wrestlers from competing organizations are also on tap for the project. TNA competitor Kevin Nash, who dubbed himself “Big Sexy” during his WCW run, is being considered for his own release from when he dated Nitro Girl Chae. Diamond Dallas Page, who married actress Kimberly Page, is also being talked with.

“Remember when Nash joked that he was gonna ‘Eat a little Korean?'” asked Lawler. “Well, we got it all on tape. DDP and Kimberly? Bingo, we got it. It’s money in the bank. And let me tell you, we’ve just scratched the surface on this. There are literally thousands of tapes out there of wrestlers with having sex with women. The WWE fans and perverts around the world are in for a real treat!”

WWE’s stock price shot up 4,995,346% upon release of the news.