STAMFORD, CT — World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) superstar HHH confessed to cheating on wife Stephanie McMahon, he said, with himself. Stephanie could not be reached for comment, but HHH spent the morning with news reporters giving scant details of the tumultuous situation.
“I’m here to say I screwed up,” HHH told the press.
“I’ve got the greatest wife in the world, and I nearly blew it by having an affair with someone I personally felt extremely sexually attracted to. In a moment of weakness, I buckled. I gave into my sexual urges and did something I shouldn’t have been doing. I broke my trust and my faith to Stephanie, and for this I am terribly sorry. Please forgive me.”
The person HHH was referring to as stealing his sexual desires was HHH himself.
Apparently the affair had been going on for several months, sparked by mild flirting in the beginning of 2002.
“I always intended on being faithful to my wife,” HHH continued, “but that was until my eyes wandered. It was pure lust and pure sexual fantasy. It was… me. I had just returned from a torn quad, and made my return at Madison Square Garden on Raw.
I looked in the mirror and did a double-take. The man staring back at me winked and flashed a shy smile. I was puddy in this man’s hands, and like a fool I fell for it.”
The coy teasing continued for most of the year, according to HHH. It wasn’t until 2003 when the two men (HHH and HHH) struck up their relationship. It lasted well into 2005, when he was caught red-handed by Stephanie.
“Steph is just a mess right now,” reported Stephanie’s mother, Linda McMahon, in a public statement.
“She has moved back home until she gets things sorted out with HHH. I felt the hurt in her voice as she talked about the image of HHH pleasuring himself in the mirror, with dimly lit candles and rose pedals on the floor. The love notes to himself, the flirtatious emails, and old transcripts of instant message chat sessions between HHH and HHH. It was revolting to read these scripts and read what HHH really felt about HHH. Stephanie and HHH have some serious issues to work out before this is all settled.”
Many others noted the ironic twist to how this all played out.
“He’s getting bitten in the ass, as is she,” noted WWE referee Brian Hebner. “This is exactly how HHH was caught cheating on Chyna with Stephanie. They both did something dishonest, and now they’re payin’ for it. Karma’s a bitch.”
A few WWE wrestlers suspected something was up in 2004, but never spoke up, fearing job security.
“I don’t want to say that I knew, because I didn’t,” said Chris Jericho.
“But last year I did have my suspicions. HHH would leave the bars early, and tell people he was tired and had to go to sleep. He’d act uncomfortable whenever he was around mirrors or magazine photos of himself. And in 1999-2000, he’d always watch tapes of his own matches with everyone else in the locker room. But in ’04, he started taking the tapes back to his hotel room and watching them alone. It was odd.”
HHH, to his credit, has been honest about the affair. When presented with Jericho’s quote, he confirmed the suspicions were dead on.
“Yep, he’s right,” HHH explained.
“I hate to admit it, but it’s true. I’d take tapes of my own matches, go to my hotel room, and have pure, unabashed, non-stop sex with myself. I blew up this huge picture of myself and laid it on the floor. I’d roll around naked on it, pleasure myself to it, and then pretend to fellate myself.
Stephanie never knew, until last week when she caught me making out with an action figure of myself. I also had a few of my own trading cards up there (in his anus), which she saw sticking out. It was embarrassing, shameful, and hurtful. I never wanted to hurt Stephanie like that.”
Stephanie’s father, Vince McMahon, could also not be reached for comment.
“Vince is taking this pretty hard,” said Linda. “He’s been acting pretty strange lately, doing the same things HHH seemed to have been doing a year ago when he was having that affair with himself. Come to think of it, Vince has been taking pictures of himself, going to the photo lab, and locking himself in the bathroom late at night. In fact, I’m gonna give him a call right now, please end this interview,” she continued.
More details on this story to come as they become available.