CAMBRIDGE, MA — Researchers at MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology) have announced recent findings that hemorrhoid usage among wrestlers has increased significantly in the past five years.
According to their study, they estimate as many as 90 to 95% of today’s wrestlers currently have hemorrhoids.
That figure is way up from the 1950s and 1960s, before ‘rhoid use was widespread. It wasn’t until the glory years of “Superstar” Billy Graham that ‘rhoids gained in popularity, with Graham’s huge arms and worn down buttocks catching on like wildfire.
By the time the Road Warriors peaked in popularity in 1985, ‘rhoid use was through the roof. It slowed down in the early ’90s after a federal investigation into WWE, but since that time, MIT researchers say, ‘rhoid rage is back in full effect.
“I’ve never quite seen ‘rhoid use quite this high,” said Robert Logan, who headed the study.
“It’s out of control, and with the cost of paper what it is, toilet paper feels like jagged razorblades these days. There’s nothing to make me believe it’s slowing down anytime soon.”
While there is no documented proof of ‘rhoid use in pro wrestling, the tell-tale signs are obvious even to the television audience.
“Triple H’s nickname is Preparation HHH,” said a confidential source who asked not to be identified.
“He uses the stuff every day to help his ‘rhoids. Big Show is another one, and you can imagine how big a problem ‘rhoids are for him. Rikishi was another one, although he no longer works here. All the guys you see on TV with chiseled bodies are all experimenting heavily with ‘rhoids.”
Part of the blame belongs to WWE’s (World Wrestling Entertainment) unenforced toilet paper policy. WWE never tested for ‘rhoids in the 1980s, both because of costs and legality.
It wasn’t until the early ’90s when the government stepped in that WWE strictly enforced their policy, buying Charmin extra soft, 2-ply paper. During that time, ‘rhoids became less noticeable.
“‘Rhoid use was way, way down back then,” said Dave Meltzer, editor of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter. “And because of it, business declined. Buy rates, live attendance, TV ratings… all down the crapper, no pun intended. When Vince won the trial, ‘rhoids were back to regular levels.”
Today, WWE has a toilet paper policy in place, but it is not strictly enforced.
This troubles many doctors and experts, who believe ‘rhoids are harmful to wrestlers who abuse them.
“Increased ‘rhoids is bad, bad news,” said Dr. Herbert Young, a general physician at Good Samaritan Hospital.
“You’re going to start seeing more muscle tears, more blood, and more emotional breakdowns. It’s an epidemic that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later.”
‘Rhoids became illegal in 1991. Before that, they were only allowed exclusively under doctors’ care.
Today, it is believed most ‘rhoids occur overseas, where they are still legal in many countries.
“I get all my ‘rhoids in Mexico and India,” said one independent pro wrestler, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “The water’s real bad there, and bacteria grow like weeds. It’s a breeding ground for the side effects that ‘rhoids bring. But it helps my career, so I do it.”
Indeed, insiders report that the major leagues of pro wrestling such as WWE will only consider hiring wrestlers who show obvious signs of ‘rhoid use.