WWE to Murder Dudleys

STAMFORD, CT — Just weeks after World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) announced they were releasing the Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray & D-Von Dudley) from their contracts, they stated Monday that they are planning to kill them outright by murdering them.

According to their attorneys, WWE’s contract with the Dudleys contains a clause giving them rights to kill them via public hanging, lethal injection, or being bludgeoned by knives.

The announcement comes just days after WWE went to great lengths to prevent the Dudleys from using the “Dudley Boyz” name in other wrestling promotions, claiming that when they purchased ECW (Extreme Championship Wrestling), they purchased all intellectual property.

The Dudleys were under the impression they owned the name, since it was created when they were in ECW, long before they ever worked for WWE.

“Vince called me this morning to say he had a great idea, that he was going to kill us,” said Bubba after the announcement.

“I thought, ‘Hey great, that means they’re going to bring us back to WWE and kill us in storyline, like they did to Paul Bearer last year.’ Then Vince said, ‘No Bubba, I mean we’re really going to kill you.’ I told D-Von the news, and he was totally bummed out about it. But hey, what we can we do? It’s in the contract.”

The decision to murder the infamous tag team follows recent decisions to not allow the Dudleys to dress in camouflage or perform in any manner relating to the gimmick they played in WWE and ECW.

In the meantime, the Dudleys had been using the name “3-D” on the indie scene.

“We tried several different approaches to prevent the Dudleys from making a living,” said WWE chairman Vince McMahon. “We denied them any and all rights to market themselves under the names they are known best as. So we figured, the Dudleys cannot make a living if they are still living. Rather than focus on the approaches, we could just kill them.”

Wrestler HHH, who was said to be behind the decision to murder the Dudleys, attempted to defend the company’s actions.

“In pop culture, death helps careers,” he explained.

“Look at Kurt Cobain. After his suicide, he went from a played out grunge rocker to a rock n roll icon in one day. Look at John Ritter, and what his death meant to the ratings of 8 Simple Rules. If anything, we’re doing the Dudleys’ careers a favor. Entertainers often generate more money in death than they do alive. Elvis Presley’s a perfect example.”

At that point, one WWE writer (Dave Lagana) then suggested that HHH should commit suicide himself in order to help his career.

HHH heard the comment, and Lagana was taken into a corner and fired by Stephanie McMahon. Lagana was then suffocated to death by WWE road agent Sgt. Slaughter, which nearby attorneys stated was in Lagana’s contract as well.

But D-Von, who is said to enjoy life, remained despondent.

“Man, this is bad, bad news,” he said in a somber tone. “Here I was, ready to take on the world. TNA, All Japan, indies, you name it. Instead, I’ll be underground. Curse my attorney for not pointing out this contract clause in the first place.”

The method of death has not been chosen, but WWE hinted they were leaning toward a public hanging.

Several in the company want to air it live on pay-per-view, to teach a lesson to other ECW alumni who are no longer allowed to use their ring names in indies, such as Justin Credible.

“It’s symbolic in many ways,” commented Dave Meltzer, editor of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter.

“The running joke in wrestling was that WWE told the press they don’t do murder and rape (storylines). Well, they insinuated rape with the Kurt Angle/Booker T angle, and now they can do murder. It’s their way of getting back at the media.”

When word reached the WWE locker room about the impending killings, several mid-carders pulled out their contracts to see if they too had similar clauses in their contracts.

“Ahhh F*CK!” shouted Chavo Guerrero, who recently took up the gimmick of a racist character named Kerwin White.

“Here it is, in Appendix C. Damnit, how did I not see this when I signed the contract? I better make this Kerwin gimmick work or else I’m a dead man.”

Wrestler Rhino, who now wrestles for TNA, expressed relief that he is no longer contractually bound to WWE.

“All I can say is, WHEW,” the Detroit native stated. “To think that in TNA, if I spelled my name Rhyno (which WWE owns) instead of Rhino, that might have been me getting strangled to death on a WWE PPV. At least in TNA, I know that the only thing that can be killed in TNA is my career, and the only person who can do it is Jeff Jarrett.”

At that point, Rhino’s attorney went to double-check Rhino’s TNA contract to make sure there was no “death” clause in it. The attorney’s face then grew pale white, as he looked at Rhino and gave him the thumbs-down sign, leading one to believe TNA owns the rights to Rhino’s life.

Rhino then gored his attorney through a glass window, shattering it.

WWE said they would announce the time, date, and location of the Dudleys’ murder. Stay tuned as this story develops.