BOSTON, MA — Current World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) champion John Cena attended a family gathering last week and proceeded to get boo’ed out of the house within ten minutes of his arrival. Cena seemed visibly upset but did leave without incident.
Neighbors who heard the commotion reported that the female and teenage relatives begged Cena to stay, but the older male relatives were vociferous in their boo’s and drowned out the women and children.
Most of the objection was from Cena’s Uncle Tony, who was said to have boo’ed the loudest.
At the height of the ruckus, neighbors down the street heard dueling chants in the house of “Let’s go Cena!” and “Let’s go Tony!”
From all accounts, support for Cena was split 50/0 down the middle.
“My aunts and sisters gave Cena big hugs and kisses; showered him with gifts,” said John’s cousin, 25-year-old Paul Cena.
“But my uncles and brothers wanted to pop him right in the mouth. He has his fans and he has his enemies. It’s just a question of who can shout the loudest.”
Cena reportedly tried to endear himself to his male relatives by admitting he wasn’t the best and admitting he’s not the most popular guy around.
All this did, though, was elicit more boo’s.
“Can you imagine boo’ing your own nephew?” asked neighbor George Bermudez, who heard the commotion from his backyard.
“This guy has become a celebrity and helped out his family financially with his wrestling earnings. And here they are boo’ing him. I even saw his father flip Cena the bird. John just laughed it off, but then his cousin threw a liter of Coke at him and things got a little ugly.”
“I’m so sick of that prima donna!!” shouted Cena’s Uncle Tony, who witnesses say led the charge.
“What’s he gonna do, pump up his Reeboks and tell me ‘I can’t see him’? I only WISH I didn’t have to see him, that disgrace. Ever since he went to Raw, he’s been sucking up to his aunts and little nieces. All the little kids think he’s so cool. Blah blah blah. Cena SUCKS, and I hope HHH beats his ass at WrestleMania.”
At that point, Cena’s father chimed in.
“HHH!” Mr. Cena yelled. “Now THERE’S the son I wish I had. He’s the greatest of all-time, while Cena is nothing. John Cena is my TRANSITIONAL SON.”
To his credit, John Cena played it modestly and light-heartedly. He brought gifts for the entire family, and the presents featured ribbons that spun just like his championship belt.
The friendly gesture did not soften the stance of many relatives in attendance.
“What is he now, Cena Claus?” joked Cena’s father. “Him and his gifts. The only gift he needs is a smack in the face. He talks about the five knuckle shuffle, but I’ll give him five across the eyes and make his eyeballs roll back into his f*ckin’ head.”
Even the elderly got in on it.
“John was freestylin’ and started doing the moonwalk,” said Cena’s niece, Kimberly. “Grandpa stuck out his cane and tripped Cena, and Cena fell right into the swimming pool, splashing water everywhere. It was embarrassing.”
The fall was made worse by the fact that Cena is unable to swim. He had to be saved by Grandma Cena, who competed as a synchronized swimmer in the 1940s. The men in attendance laughed uncontrollably at the sight of an old lady rescuing Cena from the shallow end of the pool.
“Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!” roared Cena’s father again. “I guess you don’t have to pass swimming to get a degree in Thuganomics. What a sissy!”
Cena dried off with a towel while his mother wrung out his wet clothes. He wore his grandmother’s flowery robe and bunny slippers while his clothes dried in the dryer. His cousins taunted Cena by pretending to pump up the bunny slippers as if they were Reeboks.
“Uh oh, what’s he gonna do now?” chastised cousin Paul. “Pump up his bunnies and chase after us like a jack rabbit? Do the five-paw shuffle? CUCK FENA!”
Cena left the gathering without incident, though his spirit was a little hurt. As he drove away, the men threw empty beer bottles, cans, eggs, and pieces of ham at his car.