It’s a Gertnerful Life

In ECW, Joel Gertner gave us so many classic lines during his ring introductions.  My favorite is:

Joel “Your Girlfriend Has Me on Her Speed Dial Because She Loves the Way I Star-69 Her” Gertner

But what if other wrestlers thought up of Joel’s gimmick before he did?  Here is a list of some nicknames that we’ll, unfortunately, never see:

  • Andre “I’ll Rock Your World Like an Earthquake, and Then Flatten You Out Like a Pancake” the Giant
  • Jim “I’ll Slip You In and Out of Your Pantyhose, and Then Let You Wipe the Booger Outta My Nose” Duggan
  • Kevin “Short & Fat Won’t Stop Me From Taking Off Your Bra, Just Promise Not to Leave Me for Some Guy Named Benoit” Sullivan
  • Vince “Watching My TV Shows Will Slowly Put You in a Coma, After Which I’ll Book You in a Match with Oklahoma” Russo
  • Paul “My Enunciation of the Situation Hypnotizes the Nation, While My Doctor Faces Frustration with My Hair Restoration” Heyman
  • Hunter Hearst “Girls Alike Proclaim My Huge Girth and Size, and My Semen’s Full of Chemicals Even Your Doctor Won’t Recognize” Helmsley
  • Jerry “A Night With Me is Like a Rage in the Cage, and Don’t Be Offended But I Prefer Girls 1/5th My Age” Lawler
  • Val “Gaze Into My Eyes and Fall Victim to My Stare, and Forget that I Lost All Charisma When I Cut My Long Hair” Venis
  • Big “All It Takes is One Look to See I’m Big Everywhere, But Don’t Think I Wouldn’t Eat You and Your Mom for Lunch on a Dare” Show
  • Juventud “Everyone Wants the Juvi Juice and Juvi Genitalia, and I’d Love to Meet Your Family As Long As You Don’t Mention that Time in Australia” Guerrera
  • Kurt “I’m Rough and Tough and Talented and My Gold is Shiny and Sleek, But After the Way I’ve Been Portrayed on TV Even Urkel Thinks I’m a Geek” Angle
  • Dusty “Unlike Those 80s Monsters I’ve Never Used Physique Enhancements, But Before We Sleep Together Your Bed Needs Reinforcements” Rhodes
  • Jim “You’ll Never Speak As Well As I Do No Matter How Hard You Try, and If You Give Me Any Lip I’ll Spit at You Right in the Eye” Cornette
  • Scott “When I’m On the Road the Agents Lock my Doorknob, but As Long As Promoters are Stupid I’ll Always Have a Job” Hall
  • Hulk “I Convinced Vince I Had it In Me to Have One Last Big Run, but Take My Advice and Never Spend Too Much Time in the Sun” Hogan
  • Larry “I’m the True Living Legend Despite What Jericho May Claim, Lucky for Him all Those Teenagers in the Arena Don’t Even Know My Name” Zbysko
  • Eric “What Was I Thinking When I Came Back to WCW with That Dunce, I’m Much Better Off Promoting Teenage Wrestlers Who do Stunts” Bischoff
  • Kevin “Don’t Think of Saying No Because I Always Get My Way, and Please Wear This Blindfold Because My Pubic Hair is Grey” Nash