EXCLUSIVE Transcript of Vince Russo’s WWE Job Interview

This is the most sought after transcription since McMahon’s conversation with Bret Hart just days before the Montreal screwjob!  We at The Armpit have acquired an audiotape of Vince Russo’s latest job interview with WWE, and we quickly transcribed it for all our readers to see.  So let’s get to it, here it is:

McMahon: Good morning, Mr. Russo, thank you for stopping by today.

Russo:  Thanks, Vince.  Sorry I was late, I was just going through the final phases of that tell-all book I plan to publish that will expose you and your company for the lying sacks of sleazeballs you really are.  My apologies.

McMahon:  Err, that’s OK.  Look, about that book… perhaps we can come to a little agreement here.  I know you didn’t leave us in 1999 on the best of terms, but perhaps we can… wait a minute, stop that Jim!!

(Jim Cornette barges in the room and spits in Russo’s face.)

Cornette: That’s for JR, you sonofabitch!  Who do you think you are, you Goddamn yankee.  First you kill our TV, then you kill WCW, then you kill WWA and NWA…

McMahon: Jim, that’s enough!!  Get him outta here, Brisco!!

Brisco: Yes sir, Mr. Mac-Mahon.

Russo: You see that?  Is that the kind of treatment I deserve around here?  I can’t work in this kind of environment, I’m outta here!

McMahon: Wait a minute Vince, come back!  Come back!  Forget Jim, he’s not gonna harass you here.  I keep him running a tight ship in Ohio; he never comes to NY.  Forget Jim, please!  Please sit down and let’s continue.

Russo: OK, but one more incident like that and I’m outta here!

McMahon: I promise, no more interruptions!  Now, about that book, I think it would be best for all concerned if you did not publish it.  And I’m prepared to offer you a handsome sum as our top TV writer if you can than book idea.  Are we on the same page here?

Russo: How much we talkin’ here?  C’mon, I don’t got all day.

Paul Heyman: Why you little… show some respect! 

Russo: Screw you, Paul E.  Go back to your BINGO halls.  Believe me, I got some VERY damaging stories about you in the book, so don’t tempt me.  I got REAL financial documents from ECW!  How are Straw Hat Guy and Sign Guy gonna take it when they find out McMahon was lending you half a mil?  How hardcore is that, huh?  ECW, ECW!  My ass! 

McMahon: Listen, Mr. Heyman’s comments aside, how does a position as head writer sound, for $750,000 a year?

Russo: How does “F&@* you” sound?  You want me to work 80-hr weeks for roughly the same cash Nash gets for sittin’ on his ass at home and barely working a lick in the ring?  What do you take me for?

McMahon: I think I got a real good deal hiring Nash.

Russo: Oh man, he DID rip you off.

Jim Ross: With all due respect Mr. Russo, our offer stands.  Take it or leave it.

Russo: Are YOU still here?  I thought I wanted you off TV and out of this company.  Vince, make it a cool mil, take JR’s ass off TV, fire the cruiserweights, hire the Harris brothers, shut down Ohio Valley Wrestling, and create US and Intercontinental 6-man tag team titles.

McMahon: What?  Are you out of your… OK, OK, we can do those things for you.

Ross: Excuse me?  What’s this all about?  I can’t lose my spot!

McMahon: What are you gonna do, walk out like your buddy Austin?  Be my guest!  And take your BBQ sauce with you!

Ross: Stone Cold’s not gonna like this.

Michael Cole: YES!!  That means I’m the top dog of announcers!! 

Russo: Not so fast, Cole.  I want you out too.  Instead, we’re gonna have a battle royal live on RAW and the winner gets to be the new announcer.  Throw in Jimmy Snuka, Mike Rotunda, Funaki, Taka Michinoku, Juventud Guerrera, Jeremy Borash, Mr. Fuji, Scott Steiner, Masa Saito, Stephanie McMahon, Ed Whalen, and Gordon Solie.  Winner gets to be new announcer.

McMahon: But sir, half those people don’t speak English, 2 of them are dead, and the rest can’t talk to save their lives.

Russo: Don’t you think I know that!!  Who cares!!  RATINGS!  RATINGS!!  And make Mr. Fuji wear diapers, and put Snuka in a thong.  RATINGS!

McMahon: Ratings?  Who’s gonna wanna watch Snuka in a thong?

(Pat Patterson raises his hand.)

Russo: And I want some name changes!  We’re gonna start changing a few gimmicks around here!  For instance:

  • Booker T is now Booker Lee, managed by Col. Rob Parker
  • Kurt Angle is now Hair Clubber Lang, managed by Sy Sperling
  • Hulk Hogan is now Thunderlips, managed by Frank Stallone
  • Triple H is now Triple X, managed by Ron Jeremy
  • Billy and Chuck are now Billy Bob Joe and Chuck E. Cheese
  • Rico is now Rico Suave, managed by Gerardo
  • RVD is now BVD, The Underwear Model
  • Big Valbowski is now Dirk Diggler the Dick Wiggler
  • Brock Lesnar is now Goldibrocks, and he’ll have 3 bears as managers
  • The Rock is now The Stock, with new finishing maneuver the Dot-Com Crash
  • Big Show will wear a mask, join the cruiserweight division, and is now Rey Misterio Jr Jr, the son of Rey Jr
  • Ric Flair is now Ric Cappone, the Tax Evader, and will feud with a returning Irwin R. Schyster
  • Golddust is now Gold Rush, and wears a 49ers jersey while hawking jewelry
  • Mr. T, Master P, and Mr. Ed will have a triple threat match to headline WrestleMania 19
  • Linda McMahon will battle Dan Severn in a stand-up comedy face-off to see who has less charisma
  • Mick Foley will wrestle himself in a triple threat match with Mankind, Dude Love, & Cactus Jack

McMahon: Mr. Brisco, please have Mr. Russo escorted out of here. 

Russo: All right Vince, you win.  But mark my words; I’ll ruin this business somehow.  There’s always the Jarretts!