Wrestlers’ Kids Say the Darndest Things

Not to weeks after Dusty Rhodes sends us his resume (we decided to pass on hiring him, by the way), Steve Austin’s son emailed us!  Does Austin even have a son?  Who cares.  I just know the thought of it gave me a great idea for a piece of satire.  Now, let’s get to the mailbag. 

“What has my daddy done?  Without a job, how is he going to support me through college?”

– Little Austin

I don’t think you have anything to worry about.  Neither of your parents made it on their brains and look at all the money they made.  I’m sure you can figure something out.

 I love Daddy, but Mommy annoys me.  I wish Daddy would write her out of the marriage like the WWE writers wrote her off TV.

– Little Helmsley 

Lock yourself in your room and watch your dad’s Harley Race videos with the volume on real high.  Judging by your dad’s recent workrate, he’s not watching them anymore.

Why do we keep moving?  We went from Stamford to Georgia, and now we’re going back to Stamford again.  I hate living in Stamford, because Pat Patterson always babysits me and gives me these strange looks.

– Little Russo

Trust me, I wish your dad would do all of us a favor and stay away from Stamford.

Why can’t my dad get hired by WWE?  If they can hire a failure like Russo, why can’t they hire a failure like the American Dream?

– Little Dusty 

Sure, anything you want.  I’m also sending you a check for $5,000.  I just feel so bad for you inheriting your father’s genetics.

I miss my daddy, he’s never home!  Do something!

– Little JR

Don’t worry, little one.  With Austin gone and Russo back in the fold, I have a feeling daddy will be coming home very soon.

When is my baby fat going to go away?

– Little Shane-o Mac

I really can’t tell you.  Your father is nearing 30 and has yet to shed his.

Daddy’s always in pain when he comes home, what can I do?

– Little Spike D.

Beat him up and tell him to quit.  You’re probably bigger than he is.

Do real diamonds cut through glass?

– Little Y2J

Look up and try it on your dad’s ceiling.

This is great!  Daddy’s checks are getting bigger and bigger!!

– Little Rock

So is his forehead.  If your father has any brains, and I know he does, he’ll ditch wrestling and stay in Hollywood.

Is Daddy going to go to the 2004 Olympics?

– Little Kurt

I sure hope not.  One less good match on WWE PPV’s leaves us with zero.  I wonder if the Olympics will portray Angle as a geek to make sure that no one watches takes him seriously?

I’m STARVING!  Daddy keeps eating all the food in the house and there’s nothing left for us!

– Little Show

Try living with a WWE Diva.  I’m sure there’s plenty of food there being uneaten.

All the other kids are jealous of my dad.  He gets big paychecks AND gets to stay home all day.

– Little Daddy Cool

Funny, I got the same letters from Little Sting in 1997.

I’m so happy my college tuition is paid for!  That NWA TNA college fund is gonna save me so much money!

– Little Jarrett

I sure hope you have a back-up plan.

Is my daddy going to ever wrestle again?

– Name withheld

Sorry to blow your cover, but this was from Little Bret.  He requested anonymity out of embarrassment after his daddy went on TV to talk to a phony psychic.

I want the new Harry Potter game and Daddy won’t buy it for me!

– Little Pac

Throw a fit until you get your way.  Works for your father.

My female classmate is coming over to borrow my homework.  Eeew, girls are just so icky!

– Little Lawler

Regardless, keep her away from your father.  He’s on the prowl and age is just a number to him.

How do I get the heart to ask Daddy I wanna borrow a few thousand dollars?

– Little Foley

Watch “Beyond the Mat” with him.  Guilt works wonders.

I don’t know what to do with my life.  I don’t know what I wanna be or do.  Any ideas?

– Little Watts

If Ted Turner ever starts up a promotion and makes your daddy in charge, you’re guaranteed a job.

I’m so depressed.  Dad’s unemployed and he has no options left.

– Little Hennig

Boo hoo.  I saw your dad’s house on, “Lifestyles with the Rich and Famous,” and you live like kings!  Besides, there’s always the XWF (I’m trying to keep a straight face, I really am).

I hate you, Professor.  What do you know about wrestling, you’ve never taken a damn bump in your life!

– Little Hulk

And how does that make me any different from your father?

What the Hell?  Russo is back??  My dad has been at home for days now swearing and yelling!

– Little Cornette

Sorry, can’t help you.  I’m doing the same thing your father is doing.

Dad has a job for now, but I’m really worried about him.  Are my concerns valid?

– Little Ferrarra

I just spit on your letter.  That’s for JR!

I’m getting teased at school like you wouldn’t believe.

– Little Rico

Try talking to Little Adonis, the Little Beverly Brothers, Little Adrian Street, and Little Dustin.

When is my Dad gonna get the respect he deserves?  If not for him, WWF would’ve died in the 80s.

– Little Pat Patterson

Wait a minute… just how were YOU conceived????

I’m holding my head down in shame.  I can’t believe Mama lost to Buttafuoco.

– Little Chyna

Wait a minute… just how were YOU conceived????

I’m only 6 months old and Daddy wants to put me on TV.  What should I do?

– Little Vinnie Mac

You couldn’t possibly be worse than your sister or mother.  What the hey, give it a shot.  Like any of us have a choice anyway.