Recap: Hogan Family Visits Fox News
After Hulk Hogan and his family appeared on the Howard Stern Show last week, people were in shock at just how many lies and exaggerations the Hulkster spewed forth (the show is currently available on Howard On Demand for those who want to see it for themselves). However, the Hogans may have topped themselves with their most recent media interview.
Hulk Hogan and his family stopped by the Hannity & Colmes show last night on the Fox News Channel. Below is a recap:
-Co-host Sean Hannity cuts right to the chase and asks Hulk about his feelings on the war in Iraq. Hulk repeats what he has stated elsewhere, that it’s unfortunate that so many of our young men and women are dying, but that it has to be done. Hulk says George Bush should send him to Iraq, because he knows exactly where the weapons of mass destruction are, and he can single-handedly destroy each and every terrorist “From the tippy top of Iraq right down to the dirty bottom, brother.”
-Hulk says he once wrestled General Adnan, who is of legit Iraqi origin. Hulk says it’s true that Adnan knew Saddam Hussein personally, and that before the Persian Gulf War, Hogan & Adnan once visited Hussein at one of his castles and had tea with his sons Uday and Qusay.
-Hulk says that in the 80s, he wrestled the Iron Sheik in Baghdad in front of over 200,000 people. This broke the previous crowd record of 199,999 set by the Rolling Stones.
-According to Hogan, the WWF Piledriver album cover was photographed on an Iraqi oil field.
-Hogan proclaimed that it was he, not Christopher Columbus, who discovered America. “Trust me, I was there,” said Hulk. “I walked across the ocean with the largest arms in the world, carrying hundreds of Brits on my back. I saw this huge land and made a run for it. I got there first, Hulked up, gave the big boot to all those Indians, and covered them for the 1-2-3.”
-Asked to describe how that is possible (Hogan is 52 and America was discovered in 1492), Hogan claimed he hibernated for nearly five centuries. After each century, he awoke for a week, during which he made other accomplishments. “I invented electricity, the wheel, and E equals MC squared, brother. Then I went back to sleep, woke up, and won both world wars by myself. Before that, I bodyslammed all the dinosaurs into extinction.”
-Holmes asked Hogan what the biggest highlight of his career was. Hulk said it was WrestleMania 3, when he bodyslammed Andre the Giant. “Andre was 8 foot 9 inches, 750 lbs. He let me slam him, and then he died a week later.”
-Hannity asked Hogan about his bid for Presidency in 1998. Hogan admitted he did it because he thought if Jesse could be Governor, then Hulk could be President. Hulk said that three major polls had him at 85% of the vote, but that he dropped out of the race because he got movie offers “In the multi-million dollar range.”
-We’re back from the break, and Hannity is urinating on a poster or Bill Clinton, while Holmes is defecating on a poster of George Bush.
-Attention turns to Brooke, who says her new single is #1 in every country except the United States.
-They take some phone calls. Arsenio Hall is on the line. He asks Brooke if she has ever used sampling in the recording studio. She says she only did that 3 times, and each time she had a doctor’s prescription and it was to treat a singing injury.
-Bubba the Love Sponge is the next caller, and he says he would never disgrace the Hogan family by asking Brooke out on a date. Hulk uses this opportunity to say that when he met Bubba, he was 1,000 lbs. After training him, he said Bubba is now a slim 150 lbs.
-Hannity asks Hulk how he got Bubba to lose so much weight. Hulk says he went inside Bubba’s body and leg-dropped “All those big, nasty, sticky fat cells.” Colmes said he had Dusty Rhodes on the show last night, and Dusty claimed he got Oprah Winfrey to lose so much weight by giving the Bionic Elbow to all her excess calories.
-Brooke tells Colmes that she’s a virgin and has only been on one date, but nothing happened. According to Brooke, she has never even held a guy’s hand. Hulk smiles, but as Brooke tilts her head back to laugh, three very visible hickeys are on her neck.
***FOX NEWS ALERT: Nick Hogan has just received marriage proposals from Fox News anchors Laurie Dhue, Greta Van Susteren, and Rebecca Gomez.***
-Geraldo Rivera walks on the set and begins fondling Brooke. Hannity and Colmes rush to a commercial break.
-We’re back from the break and Geraldo has a bloody nose and is wearing a neck brace. Geraldo apologizes to Hulk, saying he would never ask Brooke out because she’s too old for him.
-Hogan says Ted Turned called him up in 1994 and offered him a $55 million contract to jump to WCW. Hulk said he was the WWF, IWGP, ECW, and SMW champion at the time, but was busy filming “Thunder in Paradise” which he said was the 2nd most watched TV program in the world behind “Baywatch.” He agreed to go to WCW, and claimed they went from losing $20 million a year to making “$1.7 billion off my first pay-per-view match alone.”
-FOX CEO Rupert Murdoch calls in and says he’s having dinner with Ted Turner right now, and that Ted has never even heard of Hulk Hogan and doesn’t even remember owning a wrestling company. Hogan’s face turns bright red and he pretends the phone connection is dead and can’t hear Rupert.
-Bill & Hillary Clinton call in and proceed to have phone sex with Alan Colmes while Hannity chugs two bottles of Pepto Bismol in disgust. The Clintons then tell Hogan they love “Hogan Knows Best,” and Linda is flattered. After they hang up, Nick Hogan brags that he slept with Chelsea Clinton. Hannity is mortified and Linda is shocked. Hulk pretends to be upset but then high-fives Nick behind Linda’s back.
-Brooke tries to shock the hosts by saying she has overheard her parents having sex. Colmes is only mildly impressed, telling everyone that he once walked in on Hannity masturbating to a shrine of Ronald Reagan.
-Hogan says he got tons of movie offers after “Rocky 3” and was even nominated for an Oscar, but had to turn them down because he was “Making trillions in the WWF.” Hulk says that when he and Stallone would walk down the streets, all the people would come up to him and ignore Stallone. He then reveals that “No Holds Barred” and “Mr. Nanny” are the top two grossing movies of all-time, barely beating out “Titanic.”
-A caller in Orlando asks Hulk if he watches TNA. Hulk pretends not to have ever heard of them, but Hannity shows footage of Jeff Jarrett breaking a guitar over Hogan’s head in Japan. Hulk acts shocked and insists that was an imposter.
-Colmes talks about TNA’s X Division, and Hulk says he can do all that “Flippity flop” high spot stuff, but chooses not to. Colmes adds that he thinks AJ Styles is the best wrestler in the country today, and Hogan says he’s flattered to hear that because, “I trained AJ and taught him everything I know. Well, almost everything.”
-We’re back from commercial, and Hogan is seen injecting himself with Growth Hormone. He stops once he sees the cameras are on, and then goes into a long speech about the dangers of drugs and the merits of prayers, training, and vitamins.
-Donald Trump calls in and asks if Linda Hogan’s breasts are fake. Before she can answer, Hulk interjects and says Linda’s breasts are a “controlled” situation with predetermined outcomes.
-John Stossel from ABC’s “20/20” program calls in. He asks Hulk which is more scripted: wrestling or “Hogan Knows Best.” Hulk threatens to slap Stossel over the phone and raises his hand. Stossel screams in fear and hangs up immediately.
-Bill O’Reilly walks in and tells Hannity & Colmes that Hulk Hogan’s denial of steroid use will be the subject of his “Most Ridiculous Item of the Day” later on his show. Hulk stands up and tries to back down O’Reilly, not realizing that O’Reilly is actually an inch taller than Hogan, and Hogan is the one who ends up backing down. O’Reilly cuts a nasty promo on the Hogans for being bad for America’s children, and throws in a plug for the O’Reilly mugs, books, key chains, and doormats before walking off the set.
-Hannity brings up the miserable 3.1 rating that the recent Saturday Night’s Main Event did on NBC. Hulk says not to believe those numbers, saying the show actually did lower ratings than that. He then says that in the 80s, his appearances on SNME “Did ratings in the 20’s, and a 95 share.” Hannity, though, had done his homework and said he has the real ratings, and that Hulk is lying. Hulk is stumped, but then says those high ratings were for his segments only, and that all the other segments tanked, thus bringing down the average rating.
-“Jerry in Memphis” is on the line, and he says he’d like to go out with Brooke. Hulk says, “I know who this is!” and threatens to come down to Memphis to “Finish what I started in 1981, Lawler.”
***FOX NEWS ALERT: Memphis police have surrounded the home of a very famous local celebrity on charges of soliciting minors for sex over the phone on a major cable talk show.***
-Colmes asks Hogan his thoughts on who will win between Vince McMahon and Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania. Hulk says he doesn’t care and that he beat both of them in the last 5 years. Linda McMahon then calls in to cut a promo on Hogan, but her monotone is such that within 30 seconds, the Hogans, Hannity, Colmes, and producers are all fast asleep. The Fox emergency crew comes in and wakes them up, and then we go to a commercial.
-We come back from the break, and Hannity and Colmes are making out with each other. Hogan is heard yelling, “Guys, we’re on the air. Time to kayfabe!”
–Richard Belzer rushes to the set out of nowhere. He screams about the lawsuit from 21 years ago, and seeks revenge. He grabbed Brooke by the throat and tried to choke her out, but little did he know that she was twice his size. Brooke turned around, lifted Richard on her shoulders, and gave him the “Cena FU” finishing maneuver. Belzer wakes up groggy after a couple minutes, grabs his glasses, and leaves looking embarrassed. On the way out, Nick trips him and Belzer falls again, breaking his glasses. Colmes, a fellow liberal like Belzer, helps him onto a stretcher. Hannity breaks character and jumps on the stretcher, pounding away on Belzer’s face shouting, “Take that you liberal bastard!” The show wraps up and the Hogans do one last plug for “Hogan Knows Best” on VH1. Thanks for joining us
Disclaimer: This recap was satire. The Hogans were not really on Hannity & Colmes. But if they were, we know it’s what they would say.