The Armpit Obtains an Exclusive Copy
We were shocked to receive a résumé for the position of Website Columnist from none other than Vince Russo. Before we make a decision, we’d appreciate some feedback from our kind readers. Please, if you will, look over Russo’s qualifications and tell us if we should hire this man.
c/o Georgia Ministry for Bad Bookers
1111 Liar Lane
Phone #(555) 555-RATINGS
Two yewtilize my souperior righting skills four you’re websight, make it more funnier, and increese you’re reightings like I done for WWF, WCW, and TNA (I have a New Yourk Times presss clipping too show you as prooff). (I rote that sentense myslef. From know on, I payed sum one two edit the rest of this résumé four me.)
Brooklyn Middle School, 1975
Graduated Magna Cum Liar
Brooklyn Middle School Writing Contest Record Holder (finished dead last all 3 years)
Radio show host, New York City
-Rambled on about wrestling for hours and hours without really making any sense. It was a sign of things to come.
-Hung up on every single caller who knew more than I did about wrestling, so basically we took no calls.
-Changed the day and time the show would start and finish every week, just to swerve the audience.
-Used my connections to become a writer for WWF Magazine, at which point subscription levels completely turned around (which direction they turned around isn’t relevant).
World Wrestling Federation, Magazine Editor & TV Host, 1995 – 1997
-Met resistance with magazine editor until I fed him crack cocaine, at which point he told me my articles were awesome.
-In order to improve, I submitted a few articles on WWF’s angles and storylines that I cut and pasted from letters we received from mentally ill preschool children, and called them my own. The editor said I had improved by leaps and bounds.
-Blew up WWF’s computers by excessive overuse of the spell check function.
-Took my wife to see the movie Scream, at which point I knew I had laid my eyes upon the future WCW world champion.
-Hosted WWF’s signature morning cable show, Live Wire. Started a trend which would follow me my entire career, in which television sets around the country would shut off just at the sight of my face on the TV screen.
World Wrestling Federation, Head Writer, 1997 – 1999
-Came up with a million stupid ideas, 1 or 2 of which were halfway decent, and Vince McMahon worked his magic to present them in an entertaining manner. Meanwhile, I took all the credit for it.
-Ratings increased dramatically during my time as head writer, and WWF overtook WCW as the #1 wrestling promotion in the world. Oh, and we also had Steve Austin and the Rock. But they didn’t help one bit. It was all ME ME ME.
-Helped to maneuver Jim Ross off camera and almost out of the company. Attempted to replace him with Michael Cole. Whole-heartedly believe that Southern accents are annoying as Hell, and that everyone in the world wants to see and hear people only from New York.
-Participated in the “Billionaire Ted” skits which made fun of Hulk Hogan’s age. The company was so sincere in their belief that Hogan was washed up that they brought him back in 2002 and made him WWF world champion.
-Insisted on as many title changes as possible, without any regard of how much it devalued them. Changed titles so often that no one really remembers who held what title, and when. It was all about ratings, and we got ratings.
-In a stunning turn of events, after I left the company, ratings climbed even higher and revenues exploded. That little fact never made into my press clippings, fortunately. And thank goodness, because then people might have realized how useless I really was.
World Championship Wrestling, Head Writer, 1999 – 2000
-Brought in my buddy Ed Ferrarra. Together, we set new records for WCW… record lows in ratings, house show attendance, PPV buy rates, and company revenues.
-Poked fun at Jim Ross’ real life handicap of Bells Palsy. Had Ed go out and imitate JR under the name “Oklahoma.” It was hilarious (to me, anyway). Good thing the ministry doesn’t know about that.
-Did away with the “lucha libras” (my own term that I made up) and replaced the cruiserweight division with woman wrestler Madusa and the aforementioned Oklahoma.
-Remember the old classic NWA tag tournaments with the Road Warriors, Arn & Tully, and the Midnight Express? I had a similar tag team tournament… won by Crowbar and David Flair.
-Crowned actor David Arquette as the WCW world champion. Garnered press in the USA Today, Entertainment Tonight, and, well, that’s about it. Sure, millions of wrestling fans thought it was stupid, but we’re talking USA TODAY!
-Fooled management into thinking we elevated Billy Kidman into main event status by having him work with Hulk Hogan. In reality, we buried him even further. It was genius booking on my part.
-Speaking of Hogan, we ripped off our entire PPV audience by having him lay down clean for Jeff Jarrett at Bash at the Beach 2000. 99.9% of the audience had no clue what happened, and they were expecting a real match that they paid to see. Hahahahaha, suckers!!
-Insisted that Bill Goldberg punch out windows of a limo, which tore his triceps and he was out for months. So what if he was out for months; it looked really cool when he punched out those windows. It was worth it if you ask me. Just don’t ask Goldberg, our advertisers, Turner’s people, or the fans if it was worth it.
-Booked a battle royal to determine the WCW champ, and decided upon Tank Abbott as my choice to win. I got fired over that one. Too bad, because ratings would’ve been HUGE.
-Had a knack for blaming all my problems and ratings on Standards and Practices. See, it’s their fault. My booking and writing had absolutely nothing to do with it.
-Approved a very entertaining mid-card gimmick called 3-Count. Perhaps the only good idea during my WCW tenure, and it wasn’t even my idea. Jimmy Hart came up with it, and I took the credit. I’m good at doing that.
-Quit WWF because I wanted to spend more time with my family. So I then wrestled in WCW after having a full concussion, which could’ve killed me and then I wouldn’t ever get to see my family. If you think that doesn’t make sense, then you should’ve watched WCW when I was in charge. NOTHING made sense.
-Booked my own self to be WCW champion as well. Hey, McMahon did it, so why couldn’t I?
-Made “on a pole” matches famous. The classic “Judy Bagwell on a Pole” and “Pinata on a Pole” matches are truly legendary works of art.
-Made it obvious in interviews that I’m an American and don’t want to see Japanese or Mexican wrestlers. I want to see Americans wrestle. And since this entire country is full of Americans who look and think like I do, I know I was right.
-Saw the future, and the future was Jeff Jarrett, my best friend. He has proved numerous times that he can be a main eventer. Sure, he can’t draw a damn dime, but he can be a main eventer. Really, anyone can, as long as I’m booker.
-Changed Booker T’s name to G.I. Bro, and changed Hugh Morrus’ name to Hugh G. Rection. Ratings spoke for themselves as far as what people thought about my 3rd grade humor.
-Utilized all resources at my disposal, regardless of how much it made sense. A perfect example is how I made the Nitro Girls feud and eventually wrestle.
-Turned our number one babyface, Bill Goldberg, heel. It was such a bold move that killed business that WWE later did the same thing with Steve Austin in 2001, with similar results. Wrestling hasn’t recovered since!
-Took Ric Flair’s long blond hair and shaved it all off. And for what? Nothing, really. It never built or went anywhere. We even tried burying Flair in a desert. Yes, a desert.
-Made the bold statement that Buff Bagwell was going to be the next Rock. Still believe that to this day. His time will come.
-Specialized in crash TV, with a million things going on at once, with the hope that at least one of them would get over. Amazingly, not one of them did. Again, I point the finger at Standards and Practices.
National Wrestling Alliance: Total Nonstop Action, 2002 – 2004
-Dressed up two wrestlers as human penises and called them the Johnsons. Again, good thing the church has no clue about that. I truly grew as a person, because my 3rd grade humor had become 4th grade humor.
-Insisted to everyone that I had no involvement in TNA’s creative decisions. No one believed it, because the shows were horrible. There was an easy way to tell: On the shows that were good, I didn’t write them. When the shows sucked ass, I wrote them.
-Once again made myself the top personality, even shaving my beard. Argued and feuded with Dusty Rhodes in what will forever go down as the biggest waste of television time anyone had ever paid for in the long history of mankind.
-Once again booked Jeff Jarrett as the top star, which cemented my position in the company.
-Managed AJ Styles. Made him look like a midget, because I’m much taller than he is, and we always stood side by side. And you wonder why he couldn’t sell tickets?
-Did the wrestling world a favor by finding God, discovering religion, and getting the Hell out of wrestling. But don’t worry, I’ll be back one day.
-Can push Jeff Jarrett to the top better than anyone else can.
-Bigoted, homophobic, and xenophobic. My booking reflects that.
-Excellent at making fun of the handicapped, crippled, diseased, geriatric, and mentally retarded.
-Hate all people from the South with a Goddamn passion.
-Years of experience running an unprofitable video store.
-Have the most annoying, grating, pompous television presence you will ever see.
-Proven track record of fooling rich people who know nothing about wrestling that I was the genius behind WWE’s success. As if Rock and Austin had nothing to do with it. HA!
-Strong tutoring skills. Took a naive youngster under my wing named Jeremy Borash. He is currently on the TNA writing team, and just like his mentor, doesn’t have a f*cking clue about how to book wrestling. -Had an entire book written about my legacy, which quickly became a hot seller on Amazon.com. It’s called Death of WCW. -Have elicited some of the funniest shoot comments ever spoken by Jim Cornette in various media interviews, just by being such an a**hole and making him hate me so much. -Changed WWE from having a 1980s product to having a 1990s product. Ironically, I’m stubbornly producing a 1990s product without adapting to the 21st century changes. And a bad 1990s product at that. -After all the bullsh*t I’ve spewed throughout my career, I’ve convinced as much as 1 or 2 people that I’ve actually discovered religion and have changed my ways. No more wrestling for me. Oh, except for this show I’m putting together in Georgia. After that’s over, that’s it, no more for me.