United Airlines Hires JBL to Beat Up Overbooked Passengers

United Airlines, which has received a flood of criticism over its recent handling of a passenger who was overbooked, has hired noted professional wrestling bully Justin Bradshaw Layfield (JBL) to personally beat up future passengers who refuse to leave their seats that they paid for.

The hiring of JBL is a controversial move that shows United Airlines is doubling down on its harsh stance towards valid, paying customers who get overbooked through no fault of their own.

“We’re not backing down,” said United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz. “Not from Dr. David Dao, not from anyone.”

Dr. David Dao is the Asian passenger who was shown violently forced and dragged away from his seat in a video that has gone viral and spawned countless complaints, criticisms, and even parodies and memes as the hottest topic of discussion in the US last week.

The incident has been a public relations nightmare for the United Airlines, though their stance has been to not back down and stand by the actions of their security personnel.

“I proudly accept my new role as the chief ass kicker of United Airlines,” said JBL in a press release. “I cannot wait… CANNOT WAIT… to start yankin’ these A-holes from their seats and beating the living sh*t out of them. Bring it on, people.”

As part of his new assignment, JBL will be on-call 24 hours per day, 5 days per week, and sent to flights with the most troublesome passengers. JBL will fly to each troubled flight on a private jet, which will be equipped with various foreign and domestic beers to intoxicate JBL and make him as belligerent and violent as possible.

“Load up that sucker with Miller and Coors, point out to me the slapdick who won’t get his ass out of his seat, and let the sparks fly, motherf*cker!,” wrote JBL in a tweet Wednesday morning.

“I spent my whole career puttin’ asses in seats, so it’s only fitting I spend my retirement yankin’ asses OUTTA seats,” he said in a subsequent tweet.

JBL is believed to have gotten the job following recent media reports that his bullying led to the departure of Mauro Ranallo from WWE. That news also led to other ex-employees from WWE coming forward with similar stories of JBL’s bullying, including former ring announcer Justin Roberts. Roberts had published a book last year that chronicled the story of how JBL encouraged his fellow wrestlers to steal Roberts’ passport.

The decision by United Airlines to hire JBL was met with obvious scorn and criticism.

“It’s unbelievable the airline would do this,” said freelance writer David Bixenspan. “JBL is a bully, and if it’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a bully.”

That quote is ironic, considering Bixenspan recently wrote an anti-bullying article for Deadspin, the same website whose editor Tim Marchman was in the news in January for cyber bullying supporters of Ted Cruz to fight him in the octagon. When former UFC fighter Tim Kennedy accepted his challenge, Marchman no-so-mysteriously went into hiding for weeks, never once answering the challenge.

“What I suggest my critics do, and anyone else who has called me a bully, is to book a flight on United,” said JBL via telephone. “Then have their dorky friends book the same seat. Come takeoff time, United will send me down there and I’ll beat their bitchy little asses right in front of their friends, splattering blood all over their nerdy glasses.”

JBL is no stranger to brawls, having beaten up fellow wrestler Blue Meanie on a live PPV in 2005. He’s well known for berating and hazing newcomers to the company, working stiff in the ring with those he doesn’t respect, and gloating that if wrestling were a shoot, nobody would be able to beat him.

JBL authored the book, Have More Money Now, and not long after its release, reports surfaced that his book was beating up other books in the store.

United Airlines issued a statement to the press on Wednesday, reinforcing its anti-passenger stance and defending their decision to hire JBL:

“The viral video of Dr. David Dao was not an expose of disorganization within United Airlines. It was a LESSON. A lesson that our customers need to learn, which is this: we control your seat, we control your destiny, and if you cross us, we will physically obliterate you. JBL has been an enforcer for WWE for years, beating anyone Vince McMahon told him to. Now he will do the same for us. What happened to Dr. Dao is absolutely nothing compared to what JBL will do to you. Dr. Dao only got a busted lip, whereas JBL is under strict orders to systematically pummel and hospitalize anyone and everyone who defies our orders. Our goal is for customers to see JBL coming, and then run so far and fast from their seats that not even one of our fastest airplanes could catch them. You’ve been warned.”

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz defending his decision to hire JBL, threatening future passengers with physical harm.
Ticket sales to United Airlines flights plunged following the news of JBL’s hiring, much the same as ticket sales to WWE shows plunged during JBL’s world title reign in 2004 – 2005.