UFC Ring Card Girls Gone Wild

LAS VEGAS, NV – A privately funded sting operation entitled “UFC Ring Card Girls Gone Wild” has resulted in the arrests of six UFC judges and referees.  The scandal has rocked the Nevada State Athletic Commission, dismantling it and requiring a complete overhaul of the current UFC regulation system.

UFC ring card girls Arianny Celeste and Rachelle Leah were hired by Station Casinos to tempt, cajole, and manipulate Nevada athletic commission officials into sexual situations, lewd acts of debauchery, and public intoxication. 

A hidden camera captured all incidents on film, which Nevada police used to arrest all suspects.

“We wanted to get rid of these awful referees and judges, and this was our way of doing it,” said Lorenzo Fertitta, who owns Station Casinos with his brother Frank.  The Fertitta brothers also have a controlling interest in Zuffa, the parent company of the Ultimate Fighting Championships (UFC).

UFC referees Steve Mazzagatti, Dan Miragliotta, and Herb Dean were arrested without incident early Sunday morning following Saturday’s UFC 113 card. 

In addition, UFC judges Doug Crosby, Cecil Peoples, and Jeff Mullen were also taken into custody and later released.  All suspects have been asked to resign by the Nevada State Athletic Commission immediately.

“Finally we got rid of that idiot Mazzagatti,” said UFC President Dana White, who also owns a percentage of Zuffa. 

“He f*cked up in the Brock Lesnar-Frank Mir fight, and he’s f*cked up on tons of other fights as well.  And those stupid judges are now gone too.  You know, the ones who said Lyoto Machida beat Shogun Rua in their first fight.  What fight were they watching?  Well now they can watch the fights from home like everyone else, because their asses are outta here.”

The whole sting was a plot to rid the Nevada commission of its controversial referees and judges, said Lorenzo Fertitta.  The plan had three phases, each of which, “Worked to perfection,” he added.

Phase 1, dubbed, “Operation Booze and Drugs,” included the preliminary drugging and intoxication of the judges and referees.  Dana White brought hot cups of coffee to the judges, but unbeknownst to the judges, the coffee was laced with LSD.  And after the show, UFC officials schmoozed the referees by offering paid drinks that were spiked with RU486, otherwise known as the “date rape” drug.

“I shook Mazzagatti’s hand, told him that I forgave him and that we’re cool now,” said White.  “And then I passed him a Manhattan drink overflowing with the (date rape) drug.  He fell for it, hook, line, and sinker.”

Phase 1 was estimated to have been completed by 12:30am, long after the show ended and the parties were in full swing at the nearby nightclubs.

Phase 2, dubbed, “Operation T*ts and Ass,” involved the use of the aforementioned UFC ring card girls, Arianny Celeste and Rachelle Leah.  With the targeted suspects now intoxicated, Celeste and Leah swooped in, offering up their bodies in the form of lap dances, exposed breasts, and stripper shows that included pole-dancing routines and dirty dancing. 

The goal of Phase 2, said Lorenzo, was to mimic the wildly successful “Girls Gone Wild” video scenes of scantily clad women doing offensive and borderline illegal activities. 

And it worked.  According to Celeste, ref Dan Miragliotta, “Said ‘Let’s get it on!’ like John McCarthy does, and then he scooped me up in his powerful hands and we headed to his hotel room.”

At one point, said Leah, Herb Dean flashed a hundred dollar bill and stuck it in his dreadlocks.  “He then told me to come find the bill in his hair but only using my breasts.  It was humiliating, but this was the reaction from him that we wanted.”

Phase 3 was an extension of Phase 2, but involved an increased usage of the hidden video cameras.

“Once the suspects had agreed to or engaged in a questionable act, we zoomed in and caught it all on camera,” said Lorenzo.  “Having it filmed provided indisputable evidence for the state of Nevada and for the public as well.  They had no choice but to fire these goons.”

Scenes caught on camera include referee Yves Lavigne dry humping Arianny Celeste’s leg, along with judge Doug Crosby holding up a “10” score card near Rachelle Leah’s buttocks, implying he was “Judging her ass,” chimed in White.  “Look, her ass is a 10, believe me, but it’s not for public officials to decide that.”

Another wild scene shows Steve Mazzagatti gulping down shots of Tequila at the Mandalay Bay, after which he sprayed the bikinis of both Celeste and Leah with the beer spout located behind the bar.  Herb Dean then came in and licked the beer off their breasts, and all the while ref Dan Miragliotta can be seen in the background pleasuring himself to the festivities.  When Miragliotta could not come to a finish, Leah shoved his head into her soaked breasts, which is believed to have helped him, as Miragliotta let out a sigh of relief before rolling over and falling asleep onto a Betty Boop slot machine.

UFC officials said later in the week that they’d be lobbying for new judges and referees to be assigned.  The Nevada State Athletic Commission would not comment on the scandal other than confirming that the six individuals have indeed resigned. 

Ms. Celeste and Ms. Leah breathed a sigh of relief when the night was over, saying they planned to go home, rest, wash up, and begin the annulments of the marriage proposals they pretended to accept from Herb Dean following Dean’s two lap dances.