Nancy Pelosi Joins the 4 Horsemen

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) announced this morning that she plans to join the legendary pro wrestling 4 Horsemen stable, leaving behind a controversial career in politics following the beating Democrats took in losing control of the House of Representatives to Republicans.

Pelosi, 70, is expected to lose her House Speaker position in favor of Republican John Boehner in January 2011.  Now jobless, the soon-to-be former Speaker said she plans to continue her record of taxing and spending in her new role as Horsemen Speaker.

“I’m going to give free, universal healthcare to all past, present, and future Horsemen members,” she announced following Tuesday’s election. 

“In order to pay for that, I’ll tax every paying customer an additional 35% at every pro wrestling convention autograph show who comes to see the Horsemen.  As a result, we’ll provide unlimited healthcare services to Ric Flair, JJ Dillon, Arn Anderson, Tully Blanchard, and every other human being who once called himself a Horseman.”

When informed that Arn Anderson and Dean Malenko already have healthcare coverage through their employer, World Wrestling Entertainment, Pelosi remained steadfast on her plans.

“I don’t care, we’ll cover them anyway,” she insisted. 

“Arn will get double coverage, because he’s Double A.  Dean is the man of 1,000 holds, and now he’ll be the man of 1,000 healthcare plans.”

When informed that former Horseman Chris Benoit is deceased, she again stood by her plans.

“I don’t care, we’ll still cover Chris.  We’ll cover his family, friends, dogs, and old tag team partners.  We’ll cover everyone associated with any Horseman in any possible way.  I’ll bankrupt the damn thing if I have to, just like I bankrupted America.”

Asked about former Horseman members Paul Roma, Sid Vicious, Sting, Barry Windham, and Ole Anderson, Pelosi’s position never wavered.

“Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes.  We’ll even cover Roma’s cosmetic needs for tanning, hair dye, and Botox.  We’ll cover Sid’s broken leg and his whole softball team.  We’ll cover Sting and his friends in TNA.  We’ll cover Barry and his father Blackjack Mulligan.  We’ll cover Ole, Arn, Gene, Ken, Randy, and everyone else in wrestling named Anderson.  We’re also going to cover every ring rat and groupie any Horseman ever slept with, plus their spouses and other dependents,” she said.

Pelosi also revealed plans to raise taxes on every promoter who wanted to book the Horsemen for autograph shows.  Such promoters would also be subjected to stricter regulations on their carbon emissions, unrecycled paper products, hiring practices, insurance coverage, and bonuses for hiring illegal immigrants instead of local wrestling fans to help at the ticket counter. 

Pelosi also plans to institute new policies at all 4 Horsemen appearances beginning in January of 2011:

  •  Autographed photos must be laminated and framed if fans wish to sell them on eBay.  All items sold on eBay are also subject to an additional 25% tax.
  • Signed books by authors Ric Flair, JJ Dillon, and Arn Anderson must be covered in recycled book sleeves at all times, to prevent dust from spreading into the environment.  All books, if sold on eBay, will be taxed at 50%.
  • Anyone coming within 10 yards of any Horseman at any time shall pay a “Horseman privilege fee” of $10, to be deposited directly into the Horseman Healthcare Fund. 
  • Any and all revenues generated by autograph shows must be directed to the local City fund, and then spent on hiring local workers as part of the “Horseman Stimulus Program.”  This, Pelosi says, will create jobs in the local sector.  All workers hired by the Stimulus Program shall receive paid benefits, 2 weeks of vacation per month, free healthcare for life, and union-backed pensions.
  • There will be a $5 fee for the first “Whoooo” uttered by any fan within audible range.  Each subsequent “Whoooo” thereafter will cost just $3, and it must happen within 5 seconds of the prior “Whoooo” or else the cost rises to $5 again.

When asked for his thoughts about Pelosi’s plans for the group, Arn Anderson remained silent but did mimic the knife-across-the-neck hand signal he was known for doing in the ring.  Pelosi, who saw this, then taxed the imaginary knife.