Rachael Ray the New Face of TNA
ORLANDO, FL — Celebrity chef and talk show host Rachael Ray has been hired by Total Nonstop Action (TNA) wrestling to be the new face of the promotion, making it the 35,298th product her face will appear on.
TNA said they believe Ray will dramatically increase TV ratings and pay-per-view purchases, and have planned a full marketing campaign based around the baking beauty.
“Rachael’s beautiful face is everywhere in grocery stores, bed and bath stores, and pretty much everywhere you go these days,” said TNA President Dixie Carter, a fellow female figure in power.
“She’s got books, bakeware, magazines, TV shows, and all sorts of cooking products. You can’t avoid her. We figured we’ll just plaster her face on all our TNA DVDs and TV programs, and sales will skyrocket.”
The hope is that do-nothing, stay-at-home moms, senior citizen women, and wimpy, gay men will automatically buy anything that has Rachael’s face on it, thus fueling sales for TNA products.
TNA’s marketing staff and producers have been told that no image or broadcast is to be revealed publicly unless Rachael’s smiling face is seen somewhere visible to the naked eye.
A new slogan will be marketed (“Rachael Ray’s with TNA!”), and the Food Network will air old repeats of TNA Impact on weekday midnights.
For example, the permanent Spike TV icon will be removed from the Impact program and replaced with Rachael’s face. That means viewers will constantly see Rachael Ray whenever they tune in to TNA from now on.
Feuds with TNA performers are also in the works, although Rachael will not become a television performer for TNA.
“We’re gonna have Rachael Ray feud with Bubba Ray over who is the best Ray in the business,” said TNA booker Vince Russo in his distinct Brooklyn accent.
“Then we’ll build to a Six Rays of Steel match between them, except Rachael will no-show, and Bubba will win,” he continued, apparently not concerned about pulling a bait and switch with the audience.
All of TNA’s championship belts are currently being renovated to include Rachael’s face on them, although she will not actually be declared any kind of champion.
The six-sided ring canvas will now have Rachael’s face branded on it, and some of TNA’s larger wrestlers may make appearances on her cooking show (Raven is tentatively booked for the annual Halloween edition of Rachael’s 30 Minute Meals show).
A plastic replica of Rachael’s vagina is also in the works, with the idea that TNA’s fan base would masturbate to it and simulate coitus with Rachael without actually doing it. This has alleviated some initial concerns from Rachael’s management, which at first feared some of TNA’s mentally unstable fans (including Vince Russo) might stalk her. The vagina idea was considered a major success for TNA, as Rachael had previously vetoed other sexual ideas, including a proposed lesbian sex tape between her and Dixie Carter that Dixie pitched at a marketing idea.
“I think she’s gorgeous,” said Dixie, who claims she isn’t homosexual, but would honored to sleep with Rachael. “I’d love nothing more than to chomp on those lips of hers while simultaneously generating revenue for this company.”
Dixie did not specify which lips she was talking about.
Rachael’s boss, Oprah Winfrey, was not available for comment. Oprah is not expected to become affiliated with TNA, but Russo said he will try anyway.
“Ms. Winfrey would make an awesome manager for Ron Killings and Pacman Jones,” he said excitedly.
“Jay Lethal also needs a valet, and since Lethal is impersonating Randy Savage, maybe Oprah can impersonate Elizabeth or Sensational Sherri,” said Russo, apparently not aware that both women are deceased.
WWE, TNA’s main competitor, did not comment on the Rachael Ray signing. Sources close to WWE confirmed that in retaliation to TNA’s announcement, they were in negotiations with talk show host Dr. Phil McGraw, along with celebrity chefs Emeril Lagasse and Wolfgang Puck.