Pick My Brain Interview: Keith Lipinski

Host of Puroresu Power Hour


Keith Lipinski. If you participate in our wrestling quizzes over at wrestlingobserver.com every Monday, then you know that Keith Lipinski is our resident Ken Jennings; he wins every Goddamn time.

That’s a testament to Keith’s knowledge of the wrestling business. And if you didn’t know already, you’ll find out that Keith is everywhere on the internet. Too many places for us to mention, in fact. Plus, we mention them every damn week when we plug Keith as a reward for winning our quizzes.

So let’s learn about the man behind the keyboard. This is our longest Pick My Brain in history, so make sure you have some time to spare before reading this. But it’s funny and well worth your time. Enjoy.

1. We’ve plugged you more times than we’ve ever plugged anyone else. How’s that for a quote to be taken out of context? Anyway, here’s your chance to list all your plugs.

Hello. My name is Dr. Keith Lipinski you might have seen savvy yet sexy name all over the internet and many “dirt sheets.” My main plug would have to be the Puroresu Power Hour internet radio show which is available exclusively at www.puroresupower.com. I am wrapping up my Surreal Life recaps on “Vince Russo Presents” at www.wrestlecrap.com, occasionally (when I remind Bryan Alvarez that it is in fact still on the air) my iMPACT~! reviews in the Figure Four Weekly newsletter, I used to do the their PPV reviews, until Bryan turned to the bottle for TNA PPVS. I also review things Bryan doesn’t want to, or as I like to call it, Bryan’s table scraps. I still write from time to time for www.pwtorch.com as I have been their title historian for three years now, as well as my PWT-PPH Japan Updates with my sidekick and brilliant co-magnum-Italian Mike Sempervive, and numerous mentions in my good friend Derek Burgan’s work. Not that I actually read Derek’s work or the work of any of my fine other writers at www.gumgod.com, one of the funniest wrestling websites on the web as I usually have my assistant read them to me while I’m enjoying a nice steam bath and when I’m not on the phone with such heads of the wrestling industry as Dave (Meltzer), Steve (Corino), Antonio (Inoki, or as I call him “Tony The Tiger” or “Triple T”), Brock (no not Lesnar, former WWF/ECW star Brakkus who I’ve called Brock for years now) or even Vince (as in Bryan’s Friend)…

2. We know you, your fiancé knows you, you know you, and your fans know you. But the rest of the people reading this are thinking, “Why in the Hell is The Armpit interviewing Keith so-and-so?” So… how do we say this… Who exactly are you?

I am a carbon based Decker unit. I’m probably like most of you; I like sunshine, sand, pretty girls, fast cars, loud music, bad wrestling, Indian food, cold gin, working out, pelvic thrusts, Natalie Portman in a thong dancing to the Smith’s “How Soon Is Now?” and cake. Basically, I am a big (210 lb but I’m 6’4 so I’m full of twisted steel, sideburns, and step class appeal) wrestling fan and have done a lot over the last few years in terms of reporting, writing, interviewing, and of course…kissing major ass and being the ultimate wrestling fanboy! I guess the Wrestling Professor sees me as being the Mark Lynn Baker to his Bronson Pinchot, which totally explains why he refers to me as “Cousin Larry.”

3. You’ve won so many damn Armpit quizzes that, frankly, the people who play the quiz are sick to death of you. To what or whom do you credit your vast wrestling knowledge? Or are you just a really good Googler?

Some would credit it to luck, others would credit it to the booze and pills, myself I would credit most of it to my modest yet remarkable ability to remember as much crap when it comes to wrestling as possible. It’s amazing; my brain when it comes to wrestling is a huge sponge. I can be sleeping in the middle of the night, and wake up wondering if I’m still a member of WCW Patriots, or make sure I’m still carrying my membership card from Sting’s “Dudes With Attitudes” (thank you Pro Wrestling Illustrated), and remember stupid lame things that most people have totally forgotten about. But I think, a lot of it is to my knowledge base, move set, my superior google skills (which I haven’t used yet but am just waiting for the right moment, much like Popeye with his can of spinach which I always thought was odd because its supposed to help the eyes, yet he was always lusting after that tease Olive Oil) Plus I can type really fast. I credit it mostly to years of careful scholastic research, as well as my learning from my mentors; Alvarez, Tenay, Ellner.

4. I think Cheap Trick wrote He’s a Whore about you. I mean, you write for Figure 4 Weekly, PWTorch.com, WrestleCrap, have the radio show, answer our quizzes, and send news reports out to everyone who owns a wrestling site. All that whoring work of whoretry, slaving away like a whore with a whoracious appetite, it must be whoreture on you. You’re like the whore guitar player on the Sunset Strip who will play for any band who has any gig. Whore whore whore. Like “manboobs,” the word “whore” never gets old. So why are you one, and are you actually making any $$$ off these ventures?? And how did you land those gigs in the first place?

It’s funny you mention “Cheap Trick” as one of the bars I frequent in Chicago (Club Foot) has a huge collection of Cheap Trick crap all over it, plus it has the fabulous Mike Barak as doorman on Thursday night. Anyway, I enjoy your use of the word whore as it reminds me of the fine movie of the same name, starring Theresa Russell, I remember seeing that in the theaters back in the day and being like “this is f***ing it? F***ing NC-17 rating!” Anyhoo, money wise, I do alright from these ventures, just yesterday I was able to take all of the money I have earned from all my work and use it to buy a bowl of soup, unfortunately then I asked for some saltines I could no longer afford the soup. So, it’s not for the money it more about the LOVE~! although some money would be nice, it’s mostly for the loose women, free cocktails and review copies of things. But I digress, here’s everything I’ve done:

a. LWN (Lipinski Wrestling News) 1997-2001 – started this to relieve boredom at work during my real job, did it for a long time which basically meant going to many websites and borrowing news along with my own thoughts on shows in a things I like/didn’t like about the shows. During this time I was huge into ECW (2 trips to Philadelphia) and really getting into Puroresu (Japanese for professional wrestling). The LWN was fun while it lasted even though it was nothing more then the piracy of news from legit websites. I’ve always been a fan of piracy, which would explain the eye patch, the hook is a tribute to Arrested Development.

b. WAR Wrestling Hotline/MCW Wrestling Hotline both 2001 – got this thru my good friend Keith from the LWF Hypeline, he and I had many things in common, the horror of 95% of the nation spelling your name “Kieth”, love of ECW, Iron Maiden, RF Shoot Interview tapes, and delicious fudge. This lasted a very short time as I was just too sexy for these hotlines and they got to lazy to pay the phone bills or want us to update much. Damn shame.

c. LWF (Lunatic Wrestling Federation Hypeline) 2001-2002 – got this after the original Keith left because of personal demons, in the form of his young son. I was known as “The Keith” or “Keith Dos” A good time, myself and Tom (last name withheld) did a daily update featuring news, listener questions, and talk of slutty grandmothers and mustache rides. I went on vacation in August of 2002 and while in MN, the wrestler know as the Messiah lost his thumb and the hotline shut down over not paying its bills. It was the saddest day of my wrestling life, although in hindsight it was much better then Messiah’s day.

d. PWTorch.com – started due to a recommendation from my good friend and creative muse www.livejournal.com/users/greggallinson/ Gregg Allinson, I did a title history update which had the unfortunate title of Strap On, Strap Off. I also for about a year did a Lounge column called Tales Of The Snake And The Mongoose which was based off of an awesome Branchy Bob Armstrong quote from TNA when he danced the charleston. Those were perhaps the glory days of the promotion. The title of the Lounge column was changed to Lipinski’s Lounge> and never recovered its early genius. I basically did a rip-off of the Onion’s “what do you think” dealing with wrestling issues. My mom thought it was funny. I also think the Lounge writers at pwtorch.com get a raw deal, as they’re the “real fans” and its not so easy to talk wrestling every week. Well except that Barry Kasten and Dusty Giebink, as those guys are total f******.

e. Puroresu Power Hour – got this based on the PWTorch.com, as Sempervive and myself did some MMA reviews and realized we worked well together as he was great with the basics and I would hit the highspots and get the chicks. We also tried copying one of the lamest tag team gimmicks off all time the subtle American-Canadian heat between the Cam Am Connection, but neither of us wanted to play the Z-Man. Somehow Zach Arnold liked Mike and asked if anyone else could be involved. Mike dropped my name to impress Zach and the rest is wrestling radio history. We’ve now done 55 shows since we started fifteen months ago. We try and have the show be a pro wrestling/MMA version of the “The John McLaughlin Group” but it ends up being more like “the Muppet Show” with less musical numbers, yet surprisingly more puppets. We usually have great interviews and its worth the time I put into it on a weekly basis. It’s worth a listen in case you haven’t heard it yet.

f. F4W~! – a big goal of mine as IMO its quite possibly the greatest wrestling publication out there, and to have my name associated to it even with my lousy too many word wise for their own good reviews, is an honor. I basically asked Bryan to do anything he didn’t want to do. This is why I am MR. TNA~! . If I don’t get this before Monday it ruins my weekend, there has been several occasions where I’ve almost gotten seriously injured while laughing while reading it on the treadmill at the gym. It’s the funniest publication out there when it comes to professional wrestling. Period.

g. Wrestlecrap – I had the idea of doing regular updates as the Surreal Life is awesome mindless television, RD said I should do them for the F4W~! I sent Bryan an email and asking to review it. Bryan or in this case Bryan’s Friend Vince (as Bryan never reads his own email) he never got back to me. The rest is crap history. I enjoy it because now I have a reason to watch this trash television over and over and say its “for review.” To quote former filthy animal Billy Kidman, It gets the chicks!

5. Let’s get personal. What is your real-life day job, where do you live, what’s your educational background, how did you propose to your fiancé, and how much do you bench?

I would love to, but for the good of the business I must keep everything fabe man. But what the hell! My real life day job – I’m a finely seasoned DBA but mostly comic relief in an office in Chicago, I also bartend Friday nights at Simon’s in Andersonville in Chicago, when I’m not working on my 1,000 wrestling/MMA projects or my musical about the life of Ultimate Warrior (which is getting way too political lately and might change into a musical about the life of Kenny Loggins instead thankfully there are so many similarities between both men where it could work). I’ve lived in parts of Sour Home Chicago all of my thirty years of existence, although to throw off telemarketers I list “Parts Unknown” as my city.

Education – two years tap, two years jazz, I actually learned Spanish from watching a Mexican sitcom called “Sabado Gigante” BA in marketing/management from the University Of Illinois At Chicago (UIC), took some graduate classes realized school is for fools. I also am a boating school dropout. I never have been big into the weights as I’m more of a cardio guy. I’ve known my fiancée for almost 6 years now, we actually met at a dance club in Chicago called EXIT, which was a place I’d go to for years to enjoy a fancy jig and meet ladies. I totally swore off women after two I met two psycho ladies there. I mean swore off dating women I met there, not like I went all “alternative lifestyle” or HEARTBREAKER~! on everyone.

Anyway, we got engaged after 3 years of living together last December. She totally didn’t see it coming as I worked her into thinking it wasn’t happening until the “first fiscal quarter of 2005.” We put up a tree and didn’t put a star on top of it. I got the ring, and put it on top of the tree as the star. For 24 of the longest hours of my life she didn’t notice it. She’d walk past and nothing. And I mean this think was a f****** hoooge rock. I decided to ask her to take a picture next to the tree. As she was correcting me about how far away I should be from the tree and the lighting I took the picture. As she was walking away I asked her “did you like the star I got.” She looked; she looked back at me in awe. I took another picture of her expression. Then I got down on my knee and to use an insider term here “shot a promo on her.” Yeah, I’m a real romantic. Anyway, I said a lot of mushy stuff (which I mean as I am her POETIC WRESTLER~!) and was like “so, what do you say?” In the heat of the moment, I forgot to actually ask her. Doh! No wonder the WWE uses bullet points. Anyway, we’re getting married on 11/19, which at first, I was worried was the day of the Montreal screwjob (it’s not). I can’t wait. Of course, another great thing was the first publication to print a wedding announcement was the F4W~! Now that’s good wrestling/wedding karma.

6. You’re a hardcore Howard Stern fan, as are we. Let’s test your Stern knowledge. Realquickwhataretheanswerstothesequestions:

Howard’s wife’s first name: Allison, who’s remarried since the divorce

Howard’s girlfriend’s name: The lovely Beth O. who replaced Jenna Jamison in both Howard’s dreams and an FHM advice column with Ted “Issac” Lange

Howard’s dog’s name: Bianca Romijn-Stamos

Howard’s stylist’s name: Ralph Cirella

Howard’s assistant’s name: not sure, I’ll say KC Armstrong who has been MIA lately. <i>(pause)</i> MISFITS! IN ACTION!

Howard’s three daughters’ names: Emily, Deborah, Ashley

Howard’s parents’ names: Ben & Rae

Howard’s sister’s name: Ellen

Howard’s agent’s name: Don Buckwald

Robin’s boyfriend’s (Mr. X) real first name: You got me stumped here. I will say Mr. or Nat after the Chris Rock character who was my pen name during my run with the underground newspaper the Iconoclast at Morton West in Berwyn, IL in 1991-1992. We actually never got caught until we outed our selves foolishly in the yearbook.

Fred’s real first name: Eric, although he will always be the King of Mars to me. He had the best vocal part of “Breasts Feed the World” which is saying a lot epically when the late great Joey Ramone is involved.

The year Artie Lange debuted on the show: 2001

Jackie Martling’s ex-wife’s name: the fabulous Nancy Siriani, I still laugh at his apology to her after all these years. Although its not like any of the Vinnie Favalie (Restless Restless, OH DEBBIE~!) tapes

Jackie Martling’s dead cat’s name: Timmy, and I believe the cat was the basis for the “Eugene” character if you catch my drift

Wack Pack member who used to subscribe to the Observer: Konnan, or as he was known K-Dawg, red and black 4 life. Oh wait, you wanted Wack Pack? Fred The Elephant Boy, although Beatlejuice has been a subscriber of the Pro Wrestling Torch since his stint on Nitro in 2000.

Crazy Cabbie’s embarrassing incident in his personal life several years ago that he’s famous for: It’s either having sex with a dude, or the boxing match with Stuttering John which I think most people would prefer the sex to the dude to another Cabbie-John fight.

Name one of the three promises Howard made that formed the basis of his gubernatorial campaign in 1994: Death Penalty, and disruptive daytime construction on New York state

Maximum number of times Howard wipes his butt after he doodies (it’s in his book): Don’t know, I’ll guess three. By the way, where’s the next book Howie?

Robin’s medical occupation before going into radio: Nurse

Artie’s blue-collar occupation before becoming a comedian: longshoreman

Network TV shows Artie was on as a regular (there are two): The Norm Show (later called Norm) and Mad TV

Richard Christy’s former band’s name: Iced Earth, DEATH TO FALSE METAL~!

7. Speaking of radio, which is one of your passions, please give us your brief opinion on each of the following famous radio personalities:

Howard Stern: The man, the myth, the legend. I’ve loved Howard since learning about him by watching his awesome WOR TV show in the 80’s. As a matter of fact, I have a few of those old shows on tape somewhere, unless there in the hands of an influential Berwyn newspaper man. Great stuff. He’s no STEVE DAHL~! though because as much as I love Howard, I’m a big Dahl man as Dahl was the stuff in Chicago since Disco Demolition. I still listen to Dahl after all these years, still great stuff. I will be on our radio show saying something and be like “wow, I sound like a sexier Dahl”

Don Imus: Decent promo, awesome hat, would love to hang at his ranch and eat his wife’s delicious cooking, but the sad thing is I could say the same thing about Dustin Rhodes 10 years ago.

Mancow Mueller: Awful on the mic, even worse in the wrestling ring. Thanks to Keith’s friend Olek I actually along with my fiancée got into the Q101 (Chicago radio station Mancow is on) VIP section at their last Haunted Christmas show, and sat by him as he introduced the Hives and then quickly left. I was hoping he’d give me some broadcasting/wrestling tips.

Opie & Anthony: They were on in Chicago for a while, people who liked them, like my friend Gregg, were passionate about how good they were. To me, and based on what I heard they were Idiots. Therefore I probably would have really enjoyed their show.

Mark & Brian: Ok, I never heard these guys, but I remember there was a cartoon on NBC called “Chip and Pepper’s Cartoon Madness” and I always pictured Mark and Brian to look like these guys…later one would appear on another TNBC show “Saved By The Bell” as Mr. Beldings cool younger brother who bailed on the kids for a girl during a white water rafting trip, showing that Mr. Belding might have not been the cooler Belding but he was the reliable one. I, like all of teenage America really learned a lot from that episode. Anyway, what was the question again?

Rick Dees: Disco Duck is still the f***ing jam man.

Rush Limbaugh: High times and lame ass merchandise.

Bill O’Reilly: The Pat O’Brian of his day without the coke and “getting craze”

Bubba the Love Sponge: I miss him, only for the Hogan updates, now I have to depend on US Weekly.

Crazy Cabbie: Could the trimspa have fried his brain?

Robin Quivers: I love the songs which introduce her news segments. Even though I’m more of a Sulu Dance man. I know all of Takai’s lines on it

7.5. I don’t believe you. Would you favor us with the Sulu dance?

You can dance like Sulu hello
And shake your little behind yes
You’ve gotta give it a chance when you do the sulu and dance and you’re friends will say oh my
I say, jump around if you want to and move your arms like a machine yes
If you do the sulu dance while wearing tight pants some people may call you a queen
The sulu dance! sulu! Sulu! Just fine! Sulu! Sulu! Now that’s ridiculous!
Sulu dance is fun to do, well
but you’re girl may get jealous no
cause if you abuse you’ll girl will lose it and run up and say who is this?
ahhh, you can dance like sulu you know
but some may choose to not no
you gotta give it a chance when you do the sulu dance and you’ll girl will give up the balloon knot
I say
Sulu dance yes
Sulu dance yes
What you say when you answer the phone hello
Sulu dance yes
Sulu dance yes
I want to dance were having a ball thank you very much
Sulu dance yes
Sulu dance yes
Everybody will sing and laugh ha ha ha ha
Sulu dance yes
Sulu dance yes
Shake that big bulge in your pants no
Pants!! thank you
It’s the sulu dance you know
It’s the sulu dance thank you
Do the sulu dance oh my
It’s a sulu dance yes
It’s a sulu dance yes
It’s a sulu dance yes
It’s a sulu dance yes
It’s a sulu dance!

8. Briefly, what went through your mind when the following wrestling personalities were on your show:

Batista: quite possibly the sharpest dressed man I’ve ever interviewed, I don’t know much, but I know if I ever go shopping with a professional wrestler it would definitely be Batista, and it would be filmed for a VERY SPECIAL MUSIC VIDEO~! Hopefully we could hit a discoteque afterwards and we can strut our funky well dressed stuff.

Jimmy Hart: I kept on thinking about his beef with Rick Springfield (which we dramatically recreated on the show), and the fact he was talking so calm and normal like. Also, this guy is 61 and seems to have led a good life in music and wrestling. Great guy.

Mike the Miz: Fun guy, great interview, fantastic calves.

Samoa Joe: My first real interview on the show, he was poolside, I kept on imagining he was with a bevy of beauties, enjoying a tropical drink with the ROH title on his lap as I was conducting the interview. I later found out that in reality he was in the drive thru of a “Jack in the Box.” This is the day the mark in Dr. Keith Lipinski died. He also was cool to me when I met him after his first ROH match (10/2002 vs. Low Ki during the first Philly ROH Road Trip), and I gave him a Batista figure as my MVP award from the second ROH Philly Road trip (9/2003 vs. Christopher Daniels). Keep in mind, I hadn’t slept and was up for like 40 hours when I decided it would be awesome to give out gifts to the top performers of the evening, and the Batista figure was dirt cheep. Joe “lost” the figure shortly after, of course look what happened to Bastista since then.

Steve Corino: Awful haircut (IMO), smart guy though, doesn’t get enough Monster credit. Fantastic blader. I remember seeing him in ECW the first time and not being impressed other then him taking bumps for Balls Mahoney and Sid. Then he bled, a whole f***ing lot. He told me once he bladed so much because he was so bad it at, but we loved him for it. He’s got a nice niche in Japan as Monster C, Monster T and Steve Corino himself, he’s become a better worker since all the Japanese tours. Great guy too.

Teddy Hart: LOVED talking to him, even though it felt more like he was doing a promo then an interview, but just to be able to do a huge promo interview was awesome. The most suprising thing about the interview, besides him telling us he’s trained dogs to do backflips, was him basically talking about “less is more” in the ring and how he hasn’t shown us everything he has yet. I thought this was interesting as Sandman said about the same thing during the “Raven & Sandman Stright Shootin” This is the only comparison you can make between the styles of the Sandman and Teddy Hart. Say what you will, but he’s an entertaining interview.

Nigel McGuinness: Awesome hair, great guy, knew all about the British style, yet wasn’t a fan of Doctor Who…this upset me. But a true hooligan and a very nice guy..

RD Reynolds: hilarious guy, he didn’t take to my idea of a wrestlecrap mascot, the WRESTLE CARP~! too seriously thankfully. We had him and Bryan on at the same time, and they asked me for an idea for their next book and I blanked. I choked! I choked! I still think Wrestlecrap/F4W~! goes to the movies (a history of wrestlers in the movies) is gold, or “Death Of The Territories” would be good in the death vein. I do have to say I was relieved to learn that I in fact did not cause WCW to die because of the one time I forgot Thunder existed.

Jack Evans: anyone who talks more about Zombie hunting more then wrestling is gold in my book. Great interview though, I wish every week we could get his thoughts of the week on the show.

Spanky: We just talked to him last week (for PPH 46), fantastic guy, and wonderful laugh. He told a great Giant Silva story and a story about CW Anderson and CW (I don’t know how to phrase this here) “working stiff.” Trust me; this is a great introduction interview into the PPH.

8.5 You’ve had some odd names interviewed on your show, how do you determine who is proper guest material?

Much like in dating, the first thing I look for is someone who will definitely say “yes.” But I like to get either; people who are making waves in the wrestling/MMA world or people who I think are cool or people who would make fantastic interviews but another key factor is people who will ask me “what?” when I say they’re doing the show. Like wanting to get the Shane Douglas (good and interesting interview), The Sandman (fun) and “Hat Guy” (what?) on the ECW reunion shows edition of the PPH (coming in June).

9. Tell us about Wade Keller, the man behind the keyboard. Everyone rags on him for being a lousy journalist who makes a ton of money ripping off teenage marks who don’t know any better. But, you can’t deny some of the stellar work he did in the early 90s. Do you think the guy gets a bad rap?

Totally, to me it’s just petty jealousy. There’s some serious mustache envy involved with Wade. It’s like a work of art between his nose and his lips and you must admire him for it. Get on your knees and kneel at the stache. (In this point, Keith remembered Wade doesn’t have a mustache and probably hasn’t since the heyday of “Matt Houston”) In all seriousness, I think Wade does get a raw deal at times, I’ve dealt with Wade for three years now and its mostly been (and this one is for your Sci-Fi geeks) like Obi-Wan and Anakin, I only hope he doesn’t cut my hand off and I’m not powered by machines that allow me to breathe. Wade recently did a very good Torch Talk with Kevin Nash and conducted an awesome shoot DVD with Vince Russo & Ed Ferrara. I like the Pro Wrestling Torch though, Derek Burgan’s has strong DVD reviews, and James Guttman is one of the funniest writers on the planet and he’s been so good at times I’ve wanted to quit writing and go back to covering lacrosse…

10. Dave Meltzer complains how WWE never took advantage of Daniel Puder and blew a great opportunity. To me, WWE missed an even bigger opportunity, as is TNA now, with Goldust. Here’s a guy who’s “ugh uhhh uhhh uhhh” sound clip is now universally known as being synonymous with “satellite radio.” Not even Dustin’s biggest supporter, his father Dusty, sees this potential. Millions of people and tons of exposure, all for waste. Am I nuts here, or is there not some possible way to take advantage of this?? Can’t they dress him up like a satellite and put him on Stern or E!? Make an angle out of it? SOMETHING??

I always thought this was a disappointment, as the Goldust character was in theory dumb but highly entertaining and inspiring to those of us like Golddust who were electrocuted by Evolution and got tourettes. But TNA is too daft and it would only get over with Stern/Wrestling fans, which is possibly a bigger demographic then TNA fans…

11. Many wrestlers have made a fortune overseas, but not nearly as much in the US. We’re going to list some of Japan’s most famous headliners. Yes or No, do you think they could’ve been just as successful here? You may offer a brief explanation for each, but only if you feel it is needed.

Jumbo Tsuruta: Yes, just because he was so much better then Flair. Take that message board boys!

Mitsuharu Misawa: Possibly, he’d have to have a whacky gimmick though. Like that Kenzo Suzuki dude..

Kenta Kobashi: Yes, WCW could have done wonders with him in the early 90’s. Plus he has a certain charisma.

Great Muta/Keiji Mutoh: F*** yes, although his 2000 WCW run depressed the hell out of me, as not only was he 1/4 the worker he used to be, even his bowlcut was even losing steam, he then had an incredible 2001 after shaving his head growing a mustache and being more like a whacky Japanese Ziggy. But you can’t take away how f***ing awesome was in 89, in most of the 90’s, and 2001. He really had a kick ass match at the 2/16 All Japan PPV vs. Tanahashi that showed he can turn it up from time to time.

Tatsumi Fujinami: No, he wasn’t really over in America as he didn’t have the charisma as the younger Japanese guys. Plus, I blame most of his heat on WCW referee Bill Alfonzo, who didn’t cut right down the middle daddy.

Antonio Inoki: Yes, have you seen his dramatic role in the Bad News Bears go to Japan? Great s*** man! Inoki today with his personality and whackyness would be over.

Riki Choshu: Possibly as a “man in black underpants” could be over anywhere.

Akira Meada: Maybe, although I think he should be rewarded for his outstanding professionalism and awesome kicks. He could have been over if they showed clips of his famous match with Andre.

Atsushi Onita: Yes, lets think about it, he’s a high school dropout, a hardcore legend, a lair, he goes into politics, wins office, gets his high school GED, does barb wire matches. He’s the true American dream.

Satoru Sayama: Yes, although he set the tone in the WWWF in the early days when it came to pushing cruiserweights straight to the third match.

Akira Taue: Maybe, he really showed me something during his 2004 feud with Kobashi where he was stalking Kobashi shirtless, and his new exciting finisher the Chichibu cement and the accompanying merchandise. I think possibly the dumbest thing I’ve said on the PPH was an idea I had where Taue would have a baby bonnet and a rattle and be known as Baby Baba…yes. That there’s the muppet babies influence right there.

Toshiaki Kawada: Yes, he’s got a whacky charisma and missing teeth and enjoys a good pelvic thrust.

Jun Akiyama: No, although I have always enjoyed him in Japan he’s lacking something, he’s tried to make it up in facial hair and hairdos, but while technically sound and entertaining he’s not to the level of the other NOAH guys.

Shinya Hashimoto: Yes Fat Elvis would have been huge (pun intended) in Memphis, nothing says “sexy” better then Hash with a fro.

Masa Chono: Yes he is after all CHONO~!

Nobuhiko Takada: Yes, the sad thing is I think his President Takada getup for HUSTLE~! is one of the greatest things going on in Japan right now even thought it goes against traditional puroresu guidelines and isn’t good wrestling, its great storytelling.

Jushin Liger: Yes, he was the first person to really turn me on to Japan thru the WCW/New Japan Supershow (or the Real Starrcade 1991), with the costumes and the moves, he wouldn’t be a “Stone Cold” level star but I would take him over “Screamin’” Norman Smiley and Ralphus’ ass crack any day. Although I have to say, thank you Vince Russo for coming up with the idea to have this talented wrestler not wrestle at all and take a tequila bottle shot.

Bob Sapp: Are you kidding me? Hell yeah!

12. As an ECW historian, what were your thoughts on the strengths and weaknesses of the Rise and Fall of ECW DVD?

Strengths – it wasn’t dumbed down or rewritten like the disappointing “Vince McMahon and the WWE Wrestling Revisionists Present” Monday Night Wars DVD was, most likely because ECW wasn’t as much of a threat or did not cause Vince as much pain as WCW did. It also had that totally bitchin’ WWE dramatic music and you could feel real emotion as they covered a lot of the run of ECW. Other strengths included Ron Baffone’s insights (who?) and of course Dawn Marie’s outfits. Paul E is always great in his ECW owner role (which is most likely, Paul being Paul) so this DVD made me very happy and nostalgic for the past, because as good as WCW and WWE were, ECW really made me the wrestling nerd/elitist bastard I am today. It was great to have Tazz on there talking a lot as he was a huge part of ECW and as soon as he became champion, you could tell that something wasn’t right and he lost his “smile” although his character never smiled.

Weakness – The lack of Steve Lombardi who is contractually allowed to appear on all WWE DVD releases. It would have been great to have the hat guy or those front row guys on. I often wonder what happened to “Mr. ECW” Tom Misnik, who helped people like me in Chicago really follow ECW and meet a lot of the talent. I think the DVD did a great job of talking about the beginning of the ECW but there was good stuff in ECW up until Paul Heyman went into financial crisis and named most of his new characters due to his money obsession (Kid Kash, Easy Money, Julio Dinero, Rhino). Also the DVD should have focused some attention on “The Big Don” Tommy Rich or the “sexiest man alive” Jason or talked to more of the talent of ECW which wasn’t under contract. I hope they do a part II with talent coming in for the ECW PPV. I also wish the matches on the DVD weren’t ones you can find on previously released ECW pioneer DVDs but that’s just my gripe. But in total, this was my favorite WWE DVD release so far, even though the Flair DVD had better matches IMO. One final ECW note, I always loved how at Living Dangerously 1998, how they had a huge hole in the ring (thanks to Taz vs. Bam Bam) and lots of Styrofoam heads in the crowd, yet no one figured out to throw the heads into the hole to fill it. It was things like that, plus the fact there was a huge hole in the ring and Lance Storm’s mystery partner was f’n Sunny of all people? That showed the true genius of ECW, no matter what was going wrong (hole in the ring, lame mystery partner, injured champion), they always found a way to make it entertaining. Another thing I wish they touched upon more was how these feuds would intertwine with each other as in 1996-1997 a lot of the major feuds would cross over…By the way, in 1997, I got at that time “Mr. Monday Night” Rob Van Dam to sign a picture for me as it was personalized to “Mr. Thursday Night” Keith Lipinski…so please, feel free to call me “Dr. Thursday Night” for the rest of the interview…

13. ECW was so rock n’ roll and so cool. ROH seems like squeaky clean barber shop wrestling. If ECW was Motley Crue and Guns N’ Roses, then ROH is R.E.M. and Weezer. So many people reading this hear all the buzz about ROH, but haven’t checked it out. Please go to bat for ROH. Why should we bother checking out ROH and all their short-haired, geeky, clean-cut “pure” wrestling? Where’s the attitude??

To me, the attitude of ROH is different then ECW. ECW was more about being at a circus with the blood, hardcore stuff, and ladies, a well-wrestled circus, but a circus none-the-less. ROH is more about being at an athletic competition with fewer circuses; it’s for people who enjoy less gimmicky wrestling with the emphasis on competition over storylines and characters. It appeals to true wrestling fans who love the matches but don’t want the additives and fillers of a TNA or WWE, it should appeal to most people who like their wrestling snug, their women wyld, their drinks stiff, etc. To me, ROH is the best promotion on this side of Japan due to the fact it reminds me a lot of the Japanese style, sure they’re storylines, but they make more sense to me and have semi-logical conclusions. I guess, ROH is more for the uber fans, and ECW was just too damn violent for pretty boys like me. I would compare ROH-ECW as comparing Screeching Weasel to Green Day, Weasel/ROH is not as polished and doesn’t want to be all commercial and corporate like its Major Label Cousins (Green Day/ECW), as they are trying to get bigger yet not go huge like ECW did and go out of business. I mean come on people half the angles this week have involved the country of Ghana. How f***ing cool is that! ROH doesn’t have 20-minute interview segments and when they do it’s the wit and wisdom of Colt Cabana, ROH has wrestling, fantastic some great wrestling. They have some of the best talent in the nation today doing their thing. Yeah, it’s not for everyone, but its great for those who enjoy it and I think anyone who enjoys the wrestling match end of wrestling should definitely check it out. I miss parts of the code of honor. What I’m stating here is I believe Gabe is booking to make fellow fanboys like myself happy. I hope he keeps it up. Thanks Gabe!

14. Suppose you had a gun to your head, and someone ordered you to do the following task: Match a long list of photos of all the current forgettable WWE Divas with a list of all their names. If you miss one, you die. If you get them all correct, you live. Or, you could opt to clean the toilets of the K-Rock bathroom (where Howard Stern works), in the nude, and with the Wack Pack watching you and giggling, and the E! camera filming you. Embarrassing, but you’d live. Which would you do?

How can you call that chick forgettable?? Yes, that one on the right next to the Big Show’s special friend. I would possibly make up names and you wouldn’t know who was who anyway? I did amaze friends at Lipinski’s Annual Mania Event (L.A.M.E.) by knowing the first and last names of each Diva who introduced the hall of fame members, and for rating for 20 minutes about Iron Sheik ruining the sanctity of the hall of fame by wearing gym shoes. We then took bets on what kinda shoes they were; someone suggested Roos (as there is a WCW tie in), I suggested BKs (British Knights), someone said LA Gear…

15. Which do you prefer:

Dr. Feelgood or Shout at the Devil: Shout! Shout! Shout! Shout at the Devil, by the time Dr. Feelgood came out, they were clean, and jumping the shark and getting ready for the nosedive that became Motley Crue, Motley Crue and “Brandon.” Plus, “without you” was on Feelgood, and I believe it was the theme for my 1991 HOMECOMING~! Most importantly Shout at the Devil was created on krell (cocaine), Bob Rock did “Dr. Feelgood”. Need I say more?

Tiffany or Debbie Gibson: Paula Abdul, just kidding. Debbie as she had the superior Playboy spread plus I’m still using the “Electric Youth” fragrance I got in “worst gift ever” grabbag in 1997.

Shelley Long or Kirstie Alley: Young Kirstie. Although Long was the bomb in “Hello Again” with Corbin Bernsen

Al Bundy or King Kong Bundy: Definitely Al Bundy, as I still reconsider myself the recording secretary of N.O. MA’MN (national organization – men against Amazonian masterhood).

New Japan circa 1995 or New Japan circa 2004: 1995 easily. New Japan tried so much in 2004, Bob Sapp, MMA fighters, Hustle values, the Backyarders (Takayama & Suzuki) etc. At least in 1995 they had the UWFi feud which inspired the n W o, lots of WCW talent (including El Gigante), a fresh Scott Norton, Mutoh only had the knees of a 70 year old man, and Kensuke Sasaki as one half of the HellRaisers team amazed us with his moves and excited us with his mullet.

Jim Cornette or Paul Heyman: draw, I really like both guys for totally different reasons, but because Cornette beat Heyman in their tuxedo suit match at Great American Bash 1989 “Glory Days” I will go with him, even though I have to say Heyman was more influential of with the book, Cornette was classical.

Vince Russo or Dusty Rhodes: It depends, if I am working on a garbage truck, eating Mexican food, buying meat at the butcher, booking an evil Russian or need a potty bypass, Dusty. But for entertainment, Russo.

Villano III or Villano IV: Villano III, although how come the Vilano’s in America never got the swank Pink Panther music like they had down in Mexico.

Paul London pretending to not be Mexican, Konnan pretending to not be Cuban, or Antonio Inoki pretending to not be Korean: Paul London as a non-mexican futuristic caveman with the best wrestling fringe since Warrior/Davey Boy Smith in 1998 WCW.

Heat or Velocity: Is Heat still even on? I’ll go with Velocity as they usually have a decent cruiserweight match, and you don’t have to worry about Garrison Cade ever showing up.

911 or Lance Hoyt: HOYT~! Even though I don’t know why he dropped the “Dallas” although I have that damn 911 theme in my head right now. Man that Taz vs. 911 feud in 1996 was tons of fun…

Lillian Garcia or Howard Finkel: Wasn’t this an awesome feud a few years ago? Garcia seems like a nice and genuine person, Finkel’s been on the payroll for 20 something years. Imagine the stories and pictures he must have.

Mel Phillips or Mel’s Diner: Kiss my grits! I always go with Vic Taybak. Always.

Dennis Rodman or Karl Malone: I’m from Chicago, so I’d say Rodman, even though I did at one time own a pair of Malone’s Reebok “Catapult” shoes and they did absolutely NOTHING for my vertical leap.

Chyna or Asya: Chyna, because Asya seemed muscular but totally normal. Chyna is a very interesting person because think about what she did in the business and everything that’s happened to her since.

Hogan’s ability to lie about steroid use or HHH’s ability to lie about steroid use: Hogan because at least he takes the business with a grain of salt and has fun being Hogan. Triple H doesn’t really joke about it as much, what ever happened to the Greenwich snob/prankster.

Mick Foley or Mick Mars: Foley, Mars’ body is ravaged due to ankylosing spondylitis and not because of decades of booze, pills, lack of wrestling and jumping off of roofs. What’s with all this Crue based questions? Where are the Methods Of Mayhem question? I liked the Crue, but I was more of a METAL~! man. In fact back in the day I was all about getting my masters in Metallica! Masters! Masters!

Ted DiBiase or Ted Nugent: DiBiase because even Nuge has a price, perhaps for some deer felts, and another 20 minutes to the guitar solo on Wang Dang Sweet Poontang. In return DiBiase offers to buy at least 10,000 copies of the lastest Damn Yankees recordings..

Jackie Martling or Artie Lange: Lange, as he seems to talk more on the show, both guys are hilarious though, and I mean really funny “hilarious” and not in a Nick Cannon kind of way, thankfully.

Howard when he was married or Howard when he’s divorced: Divorced Stern as now he’s happier, and enjoying some vices other then masturbation.

Michael “PS” Hayes or Dok Hendrix: Handsome Dok due to being brave enough to wear an entire Shawn Michaels merchandise catalog while hosting the “HeartBreak Express” coliseum tape, including a HBK painters cap, t-shirt, temporary tattoos, gloves, earring AND jean jacket. Even though Badstreet and the Freebird strut kicked ass. PS died when Xpac cut Hayes’ pony tail up. When will that be on WWE auction? Besides the only PS I know today is my good friend CJ “PS” Heimburger.

SMW or OVW: OVW. I’ll really miss MNM, and the Heartbreakers I’m thrilled that Matt Morgan has left and the WWE took away his strong promos for a stutter…but they always seem to find a way to keep things interesting and FUN~!

Leaping Lenny Poffo or The Genius: Genius, I love heelish poets as much as I love the heelish baker gimmick (I have this hot steaming delicious pie and its not for you! Come on imagine it on Perry Saturn with a huge chefs cap) or pirate gimmick. Besides I got burned by a Leaping Lenny Frisbee on ebay, I bought one for 15 dollars hoping their would be verse about Iron Mike Sharp, The Mighty Herculees, or that Jive Soul Bro Slick, instead it was a generic poem about WWE fans. Its in my storage right now, next to the foam slapnuts guitar and Warrior white “Always Believe” WCW shirt…

Super Dragon or Ultimo Dragon: Tough one, I’m a huge fan of both guys. I will make a pledge, right here and now during this interview, I will not quit the PPH until I get both of these guys on the show. Yes, this may take years, but I will do my damndness to get both on, hopefully together in the all musical edition of the PPH.

16. Rate the following “elder” valets on how they looked the last time you saw them. 10 is a total MILF, and 1 is a sea hag. You may add additional comments if needed:

I guess before I have to answer this part, what about those who find Popeye’s sea hag incredibly sexy??

Nancy “Woman” Benoit: 6, dude, she was so hot as the “Fallen Angel” and for a long time I was planning to propose to my girlfriend/Woman by using the Flair “a woman, a woman, a woman, a woman won’t you marry me now” but I was worried she would turn on me and bring in the masked tag team named Doom, and I’d be left with my hand puppet/polish friend Alex…but still a lovely lady

Missy Hyatt: 4, man, she was fine until the death of Eddie Gilbert, then she met Jason Hervey and it all went to hell. I’d still love to talk to her about the good ol’days and the late Val Venis before Kain-tai got to him.

Baby Doll: 3, although before I die I must see those pictures of her in that envelope! I must!

Precious: 3, I think her glittery can of hairspray didn’t help preserve her

Sensational Sherri: 3, although she could really take a nice atomic drop

Beulah McGillicuddy: 10+, although she just had twins, she was such an awesome piece of eye candy, was involved in the first wrestling lesbian kiss, AND almost made Bill Alfonzo bleed to death daddy! Probably my favorite wrestling woman of all time next to Trish Stratus.

Kimona Wanaleia: 6, fans often find it odd that as such a big puroresu fan I have no Asian fetish at all, I am a fan of HUSTLE~! in Japan which has pushed women to the main event with their dastardly EROTIC TERRORISM.

Francine: 4:69, although I have to admit here I do own a Francine 4:69 t-shirt, I don’t wear it anywhere anymore…

Sable: 5, never ever a big fan, she annoyed me more then Marc Mero’s bad blaster.

Jumping Bomb Angels: what are the keyboard keys for the infinity symbol? Give me jumping bomb angel one (JBAO) Anytime.

Madusa: 4, monster truck driving and plastic surgery brings it up to a 5, but then being in angles involving the world heavyweight title tournament two times, Evan Karagous, Oklahoma and BBQ Sauce bring it down some. She is though the favorite of my good friend Jason “Meatvan” Williams.

Kimberly Page: 10, the finest of the Nitro Girls, next to Fyre and Chae (Chae loses points due to Kevin Nash’s “eating Korean” line) just a stunning beauty.

Debra (Austin’s ex): 2 due to her shitty cookies and cats mating voice

Melanie Pillman: I don’t speak ill of the dead

Lady Blossom (inventor of the most successful gimmick in wrestling history, “Stone Cold”): 5 largely due to the sexy British accent and the non-British good teeth. I guess this begs the question: Blossom or Six…

17. Take us back to the life of little Keith Lipinski, watching wrestling as a young, innocent, flower child altar boy. Who were your favorites, and what embarrassing things can you tell us from your early fandom? For instance, I once purchased the Hulkamania Workout Set. That’s embarrassing. Now what about you?

Back in 1989, my younger sister Karen and I use to have matching purple Rocker’s t-shirts. Is that embarrassing enough? I also would watch most PPV as youth with just the audio and just stare at the garbled TV screen hoping it would turn normal and we would get the PPV’s for free. That wish never came true. Most never do. Ok, are you happy? You’ve made Dr. Keith cry!

18. Let’s play the “Last of Keith Lipinski.”

Last time wrestling made you cry: It’s weird you ask me this because its been a long time since wrestling really made me cry, which is either a sign of emotional maturity, a stale product, or finally “getting a life.” Probably the last time I cried at a wrestling show was ECW’s Anarchy Rulez PPV in 1999 duirng the Taz vs. Awesome vs. Tananka match. I was there live in Row 3 (one row in front of then-Smashing Pumpkin Billy Crogan) and the reaction Taz got when he entered the ring was so electric and so full of hate and anger (over him jumping to the WWE). Right after he was pinned it turned into one of love and the “please don’t go chants.” It was a total emotional roller coaster. It was beautiful because the fans hated Taz for leaving, yet really didn’t want to be believed he was going and really wanted him to stay. God bless fickle internet wrestling fans. Although I got a little sentimental while watching the “Rise & Fall Of ECW” the last time wrestling made me cry was probably after Foley retired in 2000 and the very special music video shown at the end of the WWE Fanatics PPV Series of Foley’s “Hard Knocks & Cheap Pops.” That music (which they’ve used for a wrestler or twos death) always gets me emo.

Last time you met Ric Flair: Taboo Tuesday press conference, I heard him yell behind the door “there’s no way in f***ing hell I’m talking to them.” Of course I met him way back in 1997 and he was the coolest and nicest guy I had ever met. He was signing things assembly line style (no personalizations) at an ARONSON~! furniture in Chicago. I asked him how he was doing and what an honor it was to meet him as I had been a fan so long. I also asked why he hadn’t been champion or been fighting for the world title recently, and he was like “talk to this guy over here” as he pointed to the Chicago promoter. He personalitzed it for me and everything. Great guy, possibly my favorite wrestler of all time. Nice firm handshake too, unlike that Conan O’Brien guy…

Last time you pee’d your pants: oh man, its been a long long long long time.

Last time you had a nocturnal emission: during the flu of 1997, I was watching a tape of Raw while having a 102 degree fever and farted, but it wasn’t just air, it was in the bed during a Vader match. Ironically, the match was also the shits.

Last time you went “Woooooooo!”: This morning, they don’t call me the 60 <s>second</s> minute man for nothing. Actually, funny you mention this, one of my greatest passions besides Joan Collins’ fine body of film work in the 1970 is music. I’ve been to like over a 1000 concerts, traveled with bands, been a roadie, been on stage, etc. Anyway, instead of clapping during shows, I would always yell “WHHHOOOOOO” like Flair. It sorta caught on with friends of mine and we’d do it at a lot of shows. As a matter of fact England’s once great “Select” magazine once did a story about a band called the “The Seahorses” (featuring Stone Roses guitarist John Squire) during their US tour where the WHHHOOOOOOOOOOO was mentioned during a live show as the singer asked “why are you yelling like that?” and he said something about Americans. It made the magazine.

Last time you had a cavity: Two years ago, of course I didn’t go to the dentist for like 7 years and had like 14 of them.

Last time you lifted a weight: I just moved into a condo, does that count?

Last time you got funky like a monkey (I don’t even know what that means): dude, some people save this just for their weekends, me, I do it every time its Nikolai Volkoff day, of course much like spring break, every day is Nikolai Volkoff day when your Dr. Keith Lipinski.

Last time you worried that the Armpit would spoof your upcoming wedding: I only hope so, as the first publication to mention my “November To Remember” nuptials was the Figure Four Weekly. Forget about all the local papers or the New York Times, give me the F4W~! any day. I was thinking about asking Bryan, who recently has found the LORD~! to oversee the wedding, however, me asking the question to my fiancée would possibly postpone the wedding

Last time you hit “refresh” every 5 seconds in order to be the first to see our quiz on WrestlingObserver.com and send in your answers: What? Never! To quote beloved characters Jar Jar Binks and Stephanie Tanner, how rude!

Last time you accidentally passed gas loudly enough for a stranger to hear you: all the time, but usually I blame this parrot I have on my shoulder, does gassy want another cracker?

Last time you saw a p*rno: I had the misfortune to watch one night in china for purely journalistic standards a few months ago. Ugh. At one time a number of years ago I had quite the impressive collection as I was nicknamed the “porn king of Chicago” which might sound impressive but really doesn’t read well on a resume, but then I realized that the only people who appreciated this were other dudes and that ladies don’t like the porn.

Last time you got a raise at work: January

Last time you cooked for your fiancé: two weeks ago, she’s a lawyer and I was guilty of a decent meal

Last time you were made fun of for any reason at all: my fiancée constantly picks on me, she’s mean! I’m kidding of course. Probably during show recordings as some of the funniest shit we do is while were getting ready to record and just bust each others chops. Then it gets out of hand and I blade. Heavily.

Last time you turned off the Howard Stern show in disgust: never!

19. Who was the lamest WrestleMania guest celebrity, and why? (choose all that apply)

A. Sy Sperling – he should have been in the main event rather then LT, wrestling “the toupee” (played by Barry Horowitz who is Papa Lipinski’s favorite wrestler next to “American Dream WWF promo” era Dusty Rhodes)

B. The fake Bill Clinton – yeah, this really wasn’t a good idea, a low point creatively which is saying a lot when you have “the goon” on the payroll

C. Susan St. James – mmmmm Allie, or was she Kate? Regardless, as TV moms of the 80’s go she was finer then Elise Keaton, Clair Huxtable, Maggie Seaver, or Angela Bower

D. Mary Hart – nice gams, her voice was soothing to my ear

E. Bob Uecker – I always wanted a Mr. Belvedere to also show up on the scene

F. Pete Rose – seriously man, the fact he did NOTHING last year with Kane even though he was inducted into the “Celebrtity” ruined WrestleMania XX for me

G. Salt N’ Peppa – one of them is going to be in the Surreal Life this year, it could be peppa or salt or spinderella who should have been named “Cinnamon.”

H. Donny from New Kids on the Block – But he was hangin’ tough! You know because I have a younger sister I still can remember her playing those cassette tapes and some of those lyrics. I’ll wake up sometimes in a cold sweat with the break down of “Step By Step” in my head.

I. Liberace – nice can can.

J. Burt Reynolds – was that really Burt? I was hoping it was Norm McDonald fabulous Burt impression

K. Sylvester Stallone – why couldn’t he talk directly to Brian Knobbs like Flair did?

L. Robin Leach – reason WrestleMania IV tanked…

M. Marla Maples – I can’t even remember what she did at mania, which tells me it was under the radar.

N. Vanna White – Hummm….after all these years I still have some letters for her…and her book “Vanna Speaks” was inspiration for “The Rock Says”

O. Refrigerator Perry – he’s no Mongo McMichael, speaking of which, why didn’t Mongo get a line in the “Super Bowl Shuffle?” And isn’t the Super Bowl Shuffle the greatest karaoke song of all time.

P. Lawrence Taylor – he was in the main event and introduced Steve McMichael into the world of wresting!

Q. Aretha Franklin – she could have returned this year, to face Akebono in a mixed sumo match

R. Reba McIntyre – yeah, this was dumb

S. Mike Tyson – he really helped a lot to elevate Austin and the WWE over WCW, plus his Punch Out! was like my favorite game when I was in 6th grade.

T. Mr. T – no way, Mr. T had a video that taught me to be somebody…fool!

U. Muhammad Ali – the champ? F*** no!

V. Run DMC – I remember vividly their performance at Wrestlemania V and their “WrestleMania Rap” and saying “rap is crap.” Of course Public Enemy still is the bomb. When I was a freshman in high school, I got mono, and was home sick for 3 weeks (plus a week for SPRING BREAK~!) anyway, one of the things I did was watch the PPV preview channel where they would show different 20 minute promo videos for Mania, and they had Run DMC giving predictions on the matches. It was awful. Including DMC letting us know that “just like Run DMC with J, Mr. Fuji would wrestle (in the match which saw Demolition face the Powers of Pain with Fuji in a special mania handicapped match).” By the way, Demolition was like my favorite team during those days, I’m ashamed of that.

W. Robert Goulet – this man is far too classy and handsome for WrestleMania

X. Saliva – you mean the faceless WWE theme band of the month?

Y. Other (please specify) I’m going with Y where and including the following subjects: Steve Allen’s piano, JTT~!~!~!, the dude who looks like Baba Booey from NYPD Blue, and Clinton mistress Genniffer Flowers who was awesome with the Rock and talking about social issues like homeless people living on the Rock’s freshly mowed grass…

20. Is there anything you don’t know about wrestling? Please tell us, so that we can do a quiz on it and let someone else win for a friggin’ change.

1970’s wrestling. Leave that to Sempervive and Bruce Mitchell’s of the world.

21. We’re still trying to figure out what in the Hell MMA has to do with wrestling. Meltzer covers it, even though it’s a WRESTLING Observer Newsletter. He still hasn’t grasped that one yet. Wrestling isn’t a shoot. MMA is. What the f*ck. What in the world does one have to do with the other? I don’t care if some wrestling fans like MMA. Some wrestling fans like football, yet I don’t see Meltzer covering the SuperBowl. What is Keith Lipinski’s opinion on this whole matter?

In my adopted hometown of YoYogi Japan, where I was awarded the key to the city they look at MMA the same way they look at Wrestling. Very sexy. A lot of their wrestlers have done shoot fights and MMA, so there is lots of overlap over there, over here, not so much. Me personally, MMA was always a cool alternative to wrestling, and there is some pro wrestling characteristics but its much simpler. I think the WWE could learn something from The Ultimate Fighter and have more guys fighting for their life with the simple idea of being better and beating the other person, then ever having Jim Ross wrestle another match again. I find MMA to be wrestling’s tougher brother and enjoy it just as much if not more then wrestling. Last week’s UFC show was a great show, the Pride PPV this upcoming weekend should be good. Besides at times there’s more hatred and realizism in MMA and at makes for a better show and spectacle.

22. Are we asking too many questions?

Nope there’s no such thing as too many questions or stupid questions. Speaking of which, check out www.puroresupower.com for PPH #44 with Chuck Palumbo as an example of “no stupid questions.” Or PPH 45 when I asked UFC welterweight champion Matt Hughes about china dish patterns…

23. No really, are we??

Of course not, don’t be ridiculous! Get it! Its Cousin Balki from perfect strangers. Did you hear he’s going to be on the next season of the Surreal Life along with Jose Casnseco, Caprice, the nutjob judge from “Americas Top Model”, Omarosa, Peppa, and some motorcross dude. Speaking of which, check out my Surreal Reviews on www.wrestlecrap.com…

24. We’re just trying to ask as many questions as possible to increment the number and break our record of most questions asked.

Ah! It’s a challenge, then I accept your challenge and raise you a question about El Gigante. Who would win in a match between Giant Gonzales’ fur suit or the Kevin Sullivan’s Styrofoam head on a stick with the hair of El Gigante glued onto it?

25. Ditto.

OH~! Wait a second; are you making a pass at me?

26. If you could invite any two wrestling personalities over for dinner, who would they be, and why? And if you noticed one of them using the sorbet spoon for the gazpacho soup, what would you do?

I guess if I could invite two people it would most likely be Chris Benoit and Kenta Kobashi, Kurt Angle would make a fine waiter for this supper. And of course an interpreter, who they would use to practice their finest moves on. Benoit and Kobashi due to their countless years of entertainment could use whatever spoon they want as they have cutlery amnesty…

27. ECW used to make us look forward to the next episode. TNA makes us want to never watch another episode again. How do you think TNA would change if Heyman took over, and do you think he’d make it a viable product?

I think if Heyman took over first thing he’d do is replace Jarrett with Balls Mahoney, which I would be all in favor for as Balls has lost weight, takes great bumps and likes King Diamond. He’s a wrestling renaissance man. I think Heyman would tone down the special matches which are getting f***ing ridiculous (which I predicted back in January when I realized every month was going to see the Ironman/Ultimate X/Six Sides Of Steel match on every single PPV) Part of me would like to think Paul would concentrate all of his resources to build a time machine and go back to 1996 and bring back Tyler Fullington back to his cute boy ways. In all seriousness, I do think TNA could be a viable product as it has great talent (the Styles-Daniels ironman match is my favorite American match of the year next to Angle-Michaels at Mania); the problem is very WCW like where the top talent needs a break. Why can’t Jeff Jarrett go on a nice bruise cruise on the wrestle vessel? Go away for 6 months Jeff, that’s all I will ask for. You remove Jarrett and have more of the fresh talent go to the top or try to go to the top without Jarrett. Getting old WWE stars is ok, but they don’t’ deserve to be at the top of the card. I used to wonder if Jarrett had any fans, then I went to Smackdown last week and a guy next to me (who was following the WWE for the last month) Steve from Newcastle called Jeff Jarrett “brilliant.” This shocked me, of course ten minutes later he called Luther Reigns “brilliant” as well. Back to the original question, I think Heyman would push more fresh talent to the top and actually make you want to see the show, but in all seriousness I don’t know if Paul could be the guy to it. As I would be interested to see him in just a creative role after everything he’s been thru in the WWE and the end of ECW. I mean would he still be the Heyman of old? Would he recycle ideas? I’m very curious about what Heyman would do if he was independent and didn’t have to worry about money.

28. Imagine you’re the owner of Panda Energy. You’re pumping millions of dollars into this new wrestling venture called TNA. To help run the division, why on God’s green Earth would you go and hire the two people who put NWA and WCW out of business to be your bookers?? Why is it that Russo and Rhodes continue to get chance after chance after chance in this business?

I think there are a number of reasons Panda Energy continues to support TNA:

a. For a laugh?
b. Because deep down Panda Energy really hates itself?
c. A one dollar bet (Trading Places, Jericho-Christian)
d. They’re being funded by the WWF (World Wildlife Fund)

You have to admit that Rhodes and Russo would have some good stories to tell and the ideas they might have that aren’t good enough to make it have got to be great in a not-so-great way. By the way, I’m really looking forward to their Lockdown show for some reason or another, probably because the 6 sides of blindfolded steel match…

29. What do you want your tombstone to read, and why?

Dr. Keith Lipinski: loving husband and father, funnyman, wrestling historian, sweet ass. “He finally made us laugh and then he died of shock shortly afterwards”

30. Who are your top 3 picks to be the next Austin/Rock/Hogan level superstar in the wrestling business?

John Cena – this guy is so over right now you have to forget his lame poo poo raps, or the fact he’s hasn’t gotten much better in the ring during the last few years. But the guy has it, great look, decent hair, pump shoes, and the love of the people.

Samoa Joe – awesome worker, great guy, awesome sense of humor. I don’t think he’s ever had a gimmick to show this off. If he ever went to the WWE (noooooo!) and they found a good gimmick for him that can incorporate his sense of humor as well as his Polynesian dancing he would be a total success.
I don’t know if I can pick a third one as there are tons of guys out there who are great but are lacking one thing or another. But there is no shortage of superstars out there right now who could be the next one.

31. Prediction: How will the WWE-produced ECW PPV do? Will it be good? And will it do good business?

I think if Heyman is given the ball to run a show the way he wanted to it could be awesome. Think about it, you could have all these great WWE talents who once worked ECW come back for some really bitchin matches and some really good times. With all the guys they will have, it should be very sweet. I’m still deciding weather or not to fly out to NYC for it. Business wise, I don’t know, it’s something different and that’s a good thing, but I’m not sure if it will do WrestleMania or Royal Rumble numbers but I certainly hope so as routine PPV’s can get tiresome quickly, and why not have a very special ECW PPV? I think there already is a decent buzz about this show as old ECW fans who have given up on the product as well as new fans who never saw ECW before it died yet chant it at shows and loved the DVD would enjoy it. If it has Eddy vs. Benoit or Eddy vs. Malenko, Psychosis vs. Rey, Sandman vs. Dreamer (Singapore cane), The Dudleys vs. The Dudleys who never got to the WWE, the return of the Italian karaoke bistro, Jason vs. Mikey Whipwreck, Blue Meanie & Steven Richards bringing back the bWo and so many great ECW moments redone and updated it should be a fantastic show. So, I think it can be very good and hope it becomes a regular yearly event, but I’m unsure about the business aspect. I hope it does well, I really do as I have all these ECW shirts I can auction off on ebay, including the one Bubba Ray Dudley spit on (never washed)

32. Finally, thanks a lot for doing this crazy interview. Please say any last words. Thanks for your time, and sorry we asked so many damn questions. We figured you were the perfect guy to ask so many questions to. Plus, we wanted to be as big a distraction to your normal duties as possible, as payback to everyone who hates you for winning all our quizzes. And we succeeded.

Well done Professor. Well done indeed. I want to thank people who have ever inspired me to be creative and share “my talents” with the world (Ryan, my family, the cool kids at Simon’s tavern, Semp, Burgan, Bryan, Bryan’s Friend Vince, MEATPANTS~!, Creamjeans, Keith’s Friend Olek, AC Slater, Wade-o, Zach, RD, Gregg, BARLOW~!, CJ, Deli, Dave Allen At Large, Dr. Who, Monty Python, Ali-G, Dusty, Joe, Steve (thanks for the HUSTLE~! books), and Larry f’n David to name a few) as well as all the TV shows, books, movies, bands (especially bands) which keep me rock hard all night long (except for KISS, f***ing capitalists) and god, and most importantly whoever created cheese. Bless you and listen to the PPH, read my stuff all over the web (pwtorch.com, wrestlecrap.com, gumgod.com), support the PPH sponsors and watch more Puroresu (thru the fine people at ivpvideos.com, puroresudvdsource.com), watch more ROH, PWG, IWA-MS, FIP, turn your brain off when watching TNA and just try to enjoy it, support indy wrestling, feel free to email me at Keith@Gumgod.com, and remember I always loved you but not as much as I love wrestling. Sorry.

Well done Keith, you succeeded in making this the longest interview in our short history. Thanks for writing such an entertaining interview and putting forth butt-loads of effort into this thing. May you set the example others should follow. Be sure to check out all of Keith’s links, and answer our quizzes quickly before he becomes a 17-time champ.