Hogan Demands Creative Control of Personal Life

TAMPA, FL — After signing a 20-year, multi-million dollar contract with World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) this past summer that grants him complete creative control, wrestler Hulk Hogan has been looking to sign other, similar contracts in his personal dealings.
At SummerSlam 2005, Hogan insisted he win his match with Shawn Michaels, citing a creative control clause in his contract granting him the right to do so.

Experts agree Hogan wanted the win to build him up for when he potentially faces “Stone Cold” Steve Austin at WrestleMania XXII in 2006. Hogan plans on winning that match, too.
The contract terms have gone so well thus far, sources say, that Hogan signed a contract with his own wife and children that grants him creative control over everyday family activities.

For example, Hogan’s wife Linda must cook meals that only Hogan wants, regardless of what his daughter Brooke or son Nicholas want for dinner. In addition, Hogan must get the window seat in all future vacations taken via airplane, and will only travel to destination spots that he wants to go to. Linda, Brooke, Nick, and his several pet animals will all have no say in the matter.

Sexually, the contract also grants Hogan the right to perform sexual acts that only he agrees to do. This includes the missionary position on weeknights and the “spooning” technique on weekends.

Hogan refused any doggie-style intercourse, citing problems with his knee and hip. Only Hogan is required to achieve orgasm before completing the sex act, and under the terms, he is also not required to fully bathe before or after such acts.

Furthermore, Hogan is free to perform sexual acts with any other woman of his choosing, including any of Brooke’s female friends above the age of 18. Wife Linda shall not be granted similar entitlements, or else the accused men shall face physical punishment from Hogan and his friend Brian Nobbs.

While Hogan will be allowed to vent his problems to Linda and the kids (who contractually must listen and take an interest in what he has to say), Hogan is under no contractual obligation to listen to the problems of his family. Linda and family are free to gripe about their problems, but Hogan has the right to simply get up and leave to watch football and drink beer, and shall face no consequences for doing so.  

Appendix C of the contract authorizes work to begin in Hogan’s backyard for a brand new facility in which he is expected to tan, work out, and inject large amounts of the human growth hormone he has been rumored to take in order to achieve his chiseled physique.

An indoor tanning bed will be installed, and a licensed physician will be on-site 24 hours a day to inject Hogan with Botox and Restalyn to erase the substantial amount of wrinkles he has on his face.

All family members, both immediate and in-laws, will be barred from the premises of this add-on facility.

The contract further states that Hogan has first dibs on all the hot water, non-spoiled food, leftovers, beverages, internet use, electronics, video games, alcohol, and other amenities in the household.

He will no longer be asked to do chores, and in fact all housework will strictly be performed by Linda, Brooke, and Nick exclusively. Hogan’s maid was axed as part of the new contract, with the reason given that Hogan has a fetish for blondes in maid outfits (wife Linda must do housework in a maid outfit, sans underwear or bra).

Nick must perform maître d’ duties for Hogan once per week, and Brooke (at the request of Nobbs, Brutus Beefcake, and Jimmy Hart) must wear a school girl’s uniform once per week until she turns 18, at which point the frequency will increase to three times per day. Hogan’s friends are also granted a clear view of Brooke’s dressing window and shall be supplied with ultra-powered binoculars during the nighttime hours.

While Brooke will not be allowed to date until she reaches the age of 82, son Nick is free to date as soon as he is able to. The only provision is that Hogan himself must sleep with Nick’s dates first in order for him to determine if they are “prime beef” enough for his son to handle. After Hogan sleeps with the dates, his friends Nobbs, Beefcake, and Hart will each have a chance to sleep with them as well.

Only those dates who reach unanimous approval shall be allowed to date Nick (and the contract states that Nobbs, Hart, and Beefcake must all agree with Hogan’s vote anyway). 

Nobbs, Beefcake, and Hart all face felony charges if they ever disagree with Hogan at any point in time. Hogan’s family members all face similar charges, though Hogan has the right to override them if he so chooses.

Contractually, Linda shall only be allowed to drink carrot juice while at home, but that will be changed before the end of the month. “Originally, I only wanted her on carrot juice,” he said. “But now… make it diet carrot juice. I don’t want her caloric intake exceeding 100 calories per day.”

The final contract provision listed requires Linda to not show her face to Hogan unless she has fully applied her make-up. This means Linda will have to sleep and shower with make-up on, unless Hogan is not present.

She must also undergo weight loss therapy indefinitely, as Hogan wants her weighing “No more or less than 100 pounds,” he said. “I don’t want a fatso for a wife, but at the same time, she needs some meat on her bones.