“We’ve All Been PUNK’d!” by SPIKE DUDLEY
HAHA!!!! NOW I get it!! We’ve all been Punk’d!
I’m referring to, of course, the episode of MTV’s Punk’d in which my boss (and yours), HHH, was set up and ribbed on live television. But in the end, it was just a joke. A work. A prank. HHH didn’t really hit that bride in the face and make her bleed.
So then it dawned on me. WE’RE all getting Punk’d by WWE! Any one of these days, Ashton Kutcher will come out on Raw and SmackDown and admit to us wrestling fans and wrestlers that we’ve been getting punk’d, prank’d, and rib’d these past 4 years. It was all a joke!
And what a great joke it has been. They REALLY had us going, huh?
Here I was thinking that WWE would actually fire me, Bubba Ray, D-Von, Matt Morgan, Charlie Haas, Dawn Marie, etc, and then hire people like Ashley, Christy Hemme, Vito, and the Boogeyman. HA! Nice prank, Vince. Joke’s over now, hire us back.
And then there was great one about the whole WCW invasion thing. They really had me going on that one. They buried all the WCW guys and refused to hire Goldberg, Bischoff, Flair, Steiner, Nash, and DDP. They made SHANE and STEPHANIE the owners of WCW and ECW for crying out loud! Hello, major Punk’d material! Isn’t it like so obvious now? Do you feel stupid or what? Like WWE could REALLY be that lame?? No one, my friends, is that lame.
Oh, and then they went and turned Steve Austin heel. Here he was, like the biggest babyface of all time, sellouts everywhere, huge PPV buyrates, merchandise selling up the wazoo, and they turn him heel. HA!! As if!! And we believed it! How dumb are we??
Then, to really try to convince us it was all real, Vince went and brought back the nWo in 2002. Paid these guys tons of money to do nothing but get drunk and get injured, and sure enough, they did. And we all believed it. Like Vince would really be that stupid!! Sometimes I’m so gullible.
Or how about when he removed Paul Heyman from the writing team? Let’s see, Paul writes SmackDown in the summer of ’02 and makes it the hottest wrestling show in town. He gets over Brock Lesnar huge, and elevates Edge and Rey Misterio to the next level. And we’re supposed to believe Vince would fire him, just like that? Come on, that just doesn’t make sense! Ashton? How lame do you think we are?
And this year alone, Vince is throwing out all the stops. Lita cheats on Matt with Edge, and then Matt gets fired. Here’s a guy who did nothing wrong, was a model employee, was over with the fans, and could work like a demon. And you and me, Mr. and Mrs. Shit-for-Brains, are supposed to honestly believe WWE would be so short-sighted and callous as to FIRE him. That way, he could get signed by TNA as the hottest free agent in years, and re-form the Hardy Boyz at the same time the New Age Outlaws and Dudleys reunite. Hey, I wasn’t born yesterday. Come on, people!
Even Brock Lesnar and the NFL were in on this joke. Brock expected us all to believe he would quit his seven-figure job to go play for the NFL, despite not ever playing football in years. The Minnesota Vikings, also in on the joke, put Brock on the squad and even threw him in some pre-season games just to keep the joke rolling. You jokesters, you!
And that whole ECW thing. You know, One Night Stand? It goes and does a great buyrate, tears down the house, and you guys do NOTHING with the success? I don’t care how retarded a person is, NO ONE is that incompetent to not follow up and make money off ECW. Only someone trying to PUNK someone would be so obviously dumb!
Then WWE starts paying Jim Cornette to train all these young guys. They then hire them and bring them to Raw, get this, YEARS before they are ready! Not only that, they take their OVW gimmicks, which were over huge, and change them! The Heart Breakers became the Heart Throbs, Damaja became a Basham, and in the purest example of stupidity, they take a master promo guy like Matt Morgan and make him STUTTER. And La Resistance, the guys who were so green they dropped my head on the end of a table and almost f*cking killed me?? They don’t have woods deep enough to grow people stupid enough to think up these lame-ass gimmicks. That’s a dead give-away! And we all believed it was true, even after WCW not only went out of business for mistakes just as stupid, but a whole book was written on it too!
And this past week, they tease a return of Bret Hart to Montreal. They play his music and everything. The crowd went apesh*t! And then, after all that, he doesn’t come. Not only that, but he never WILL come. The guy had a stroke and thus cannot handle the stress of live television angles, let alone promos. And they cried wolf in front of a SOLD OUT arena. Had it not been for the fact that it was all for Punk’d, I’d think it was totally stupid. But instead, I thought it was GENIUS!!
Ah man, well it all makes sense now, doesn’t it? I was REALLY scared, thinking WWE had lost their minds. From 2001 to 2005, they took the biggest wrestling company in the world and nearly squandered it, all as a JOKE to you and me. They were four tough years to be a wrestling fan, but hey, it was worth it in the end. It will make for a great episode of Punk’d.
Guys, we’re on to you! I don’t know how long you plan on running this joke, but we’re on to you. Show your face, Ashton. Show your face, Vince. Because me and all the wrestling fans refuse to believe a genius like you could be so f*cking stupid as to run WWE the way it has been run these past 4 years. Joke’s over! Let’s all go back to making sense again. Seriously, pull the plug on this thing before my paychecks stop coming.
So join me, wrestling fans, in a collective sigh of relief. WWE isn’t that stupid after all. Whew!! I gotta hand it to them, they were pretty convincing. It takes balls to purposely piss millions of dollars down the drain like that, just for the sake of a good joke. I applaud them.
Congratulations. We’ve all been PUNK’D!!
Disclaimer: Spike Dudley didn’t really write this. The Armpit did. But we know it’s what Spike would say.