Couture, White to Hold Hourly Press Conferences for Rest of Life

LAS VEGAS, NV — UFC President Dana White plans to hold a press conference every hour for the rest of his life, he said earlier today, while UFC heavyweight champion Randy Couture has agreed to do the same.

For the 12 month period ending in October of 2008, an estimated 8,760 press conferences are planned in all, and that figure climbs to 175,200 press conferences over a 20 year period.

The announcement follows the three press conferences already held during the past two weeks alone.  
 
Nevertheless, both sides say they are prepared to hit the podium as many times as necessary to clear the air stemming from the controversy surrounding Couture’s resignation three weeks ago.
 
“Randy has said some stuff in the media that just isn’t true, and so now we have to hold a conference to prove the facts,” said White in an interview with Yahoo! Sports. “We just did this twice last week, but we feel we have to do it again, and again and again for the rest of our lives.”
 
When told about Dana’s plans, Couture fired back with, “Well then I’ll just hold a press conference to refute what he says. We keep doing this back and forth business, but if that’s what it takes, I’m prepared to spend my entire life holding press conferences if I have to.”

The dueling press conferences may present a challenge to both Couture and White, who are both extremely busy with their jobs and outside projects.

In addition, Couture spends hours training every day, and White spends several hours per month producing UFC TV shows on Spike TV, pay-per-view, and national syndication.

“Big whoop, I can do it,” said White confidently. “Our PPVs are 3 hours long, so at most I’ll miss an hour doing a press conference. So I’ll miss some sh*tty fights on the undercard between two f*ckin’ nobodies, big deal. It’s much more important to me that I deal with Randy and his idiot Hollywood agent.”

Couture remains equally confident he can maintain his lifestyle while spending 12 hours per day holding press conferences.

“I only train a few hours a day right now, so I can alternate every hour no problem,” he explained. “I do train more when I’m preparing for a fight, but since everything is up in the air with my contract, I’m likely not going to fight again for a long time.”

As for sleeping, both have plans for that.

“I only get f*ckin’ 4 or 5 hours a sleep as it is, anyway,” said the busy White. “12 hours in front of a podium a day leaves me 12 hours to sleep, bathe, get dressed, eat, and work. No f*ckin’ sweat.”

“Sleeping may pose an issue, but I’ve got lawyers for that,” said the man known as The Natural. “My lawyers and agents can do press conference preparation for me, and if needed, hold a conference by themselves every now and then. I can spend that time sleeping, spending time with my family, and running my businesses.”

What about Fedor Emelianenko, the man Couture so badly wanted to fight? White claims Couture is under contract with him, but Couture and his attorneys see it differently. A lengthy court battle is expected unless an agreement is worked out between now and then.

The court system would need to allow each party to spend every alternating hour to conduct its press conference, which could aggravate the judge and potential jurors.

Nevertheless, Couture is prepared to fight Fedor as soon as legally possible.

“Well, there are 24 hours in a day,” he explained. “12 are mine, 12 are Dana’s. If my lawyers can do half, that leaves me with 18 hours the day of the fight. I’ll need less than half that to prepare, make weight, rehydrate, warm up, fight, and cool down.”

But will the lack of training time hamper his chances of beating the Russian?  

“I figure, win or lose, the entire fight should still last less than an hour,” believes Couture.

But what about ring introductions and entrances?

“Ooh, that could be a problem,” he said. “I’ll have a talk with the arena, and maybe we can skip those so I can either win or lose to Fedor, take a shower, and make my next press conference.”

There will be a press conference to announce the press conferences tonight at 5pm EST.