College Snowflakes Protest Patriotic Wrestlers

(BERKELEY, CA) – Liberal-leaning college students, affectionately called “snowflakes” by their conservative counterparts, staged a protest over the weekend against patriotic wrestlers who deeply offended them by waving the American flag.

The protesters, who demonstrated on the campus of UC Berkeley, voiced their disapproval of “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan, Sgt. Slaughter, Kurt Angle, and The Patriot (Del Wilkes) for promoting what they said were, “anti-immigration views, xenophobia, homophobia, racism, and anti-feminism.”

Actress Lena Dunham, who helped organize the protest, lambasted pro wrestlers with patriotic gimmicks. “Jim Duggan’s American flag is an obvious slap in the face to immigrants and foreigners who weren’t born here, and I find it deeply offensive,” she told a roaring crowd of 2,500 liberal arts majors.

“Sgt Slaughter pretended to defend America for years, but what he really did was hurt the feelings of millions of radical Islamic terrorists who deserve equal rights in this country! Not to mention the children of illegal immigrants who live in Sanctuary cities and deserve free education, free housing, free groceries, and free healthcare that the greedy CEOs and corporations should be paying for!” she shouted to deafening cheers.

Actress Ashley Judd then read a poorly written speech from one of the protesters majoring in Humanities.

“Kurt Angle preaches about the three I’s,” shouted Judd. “But what he really preached was the three K’s! He should put a KKK hat over that bald head of his and take he and his Klan members back to the deep redneck south where they came from!”

Judd was apparently not aware that Angle is from Pittsburgh.

“And Del Wilkes called himself The Patriot, and wore a mask decorated in stars and stripes,” Judd continued. “I’d wear a mask too if I was promoting hate, racism, and white privilege! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME on you Del Wilkes!”

Members of the UC Berkeley Young Republicans were watching from a separate building (to avoid being beaten up by the same violent people who were preaching against hate), shaking their heads.

“My God, these nuts have truly lost their minds,” said an observer who asked to not be identified. “Do they realize how crazy people think they are? These snowflakes won’t be satisfied until they’re in their safe spaces with open borders, free handouts to everyone making under a million dollars a year, and no white wrestlers in sight.”

One protester, majoring in Middle Eastern Studies and currently unemployed while living in his mother’s basement, said he was once a supporter of Sgt Slaughter.

“I applauded Slaughter when he played an Iraqi sympathizer and waved the Iraqi flag,” he told a reporter for the San Francisco Chronicle.

“That was a message to immigrants that America was tolerant and welcomed refugees with open arms, no vetting whatsoever, and provided them with free social programs that my parents’ taxes would pay for. Now he’s back to being pro-America, and as a liberal American who doesn’t pay taxes, that SICKENS me.”

Another protester named Chris, who has male genitalia but self identifies as a woman, said he/she was disgusted by Jim Duggan’s “Ignorant, white, elitist attitude of ‘America first’.”

He/She continued to say that, “Duggan would close one eye and stick his tongue out with his thumb up, while hoisting an American flag. His closed eye represents his turning a blind eye to the prejudices that illegal immigrants face in this country, while his tongue stuck out represents his condescending attitude towards Americans like me who hate America. And his thumb in the air is an obvious symbol of white power, and his wooden 2×4 represents the pillar of the fence he wants to build along the Mexican border to keep out undocumented immigrants who have a right to live in my country and have free healthcare and unlimited government subsidies.”

A group of feminists, who were all wearing t-shirts with the word “hate” crossed out, then proceeded to assault, kick, and stomp a group of 5th grade girls who were wearing pink “Make America Great Again” baseball hats.

The patriotic pro wrestlers in question, who were each accused of being racist, bigoted, misogynistic, homophobes who didn’t care about anyone except white, privileged, millionaires, were not available for comment.

Jim Duggan, a cancer survivor, was busy doing a fundraiser to help cancer patients with unpaid medical bills. Del Wilkes, who wrestled as the Patriot, was volunteering at his local church in a food drive to benefit low income families. Kurt Angle, who battled addiction for years, was giving a motivational speech to high school students in Pittsburgh about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. And Sgt Slaughter, now retired, was visiting veterans of the Persian Gulf War and helping them work with local City officials to earn back some of the free medical benefits that were taken from them and instead given to illegal immigrants.

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