Strikeforce Brawl Gets Its Own TV Deal
SAN JOSE, CA –- The post-fight Strikeforce brawl that aired on live CBS this past Saturday night has received its own TV deal, network officials announced.
Unfortunately, everything else from Strikeforce was canceled, leaving the company without any TV exposure aside from Showtime.
“The show sucked, but that brawl was sweet!” said Kelly Kahl, VP of CBS programming.
“Strikeforce fights will never air on CBS again, but their post-fight brawls will. That was the only thing on the show anyone cared about when it was over.”
Indeed, fans of mixed martial arts voiced complaints over the length and quality of Saturday’s Strikeforce show, which was headlined by Jake Shields retaining his middleweight title over former UFC and Pride superstar Dan Henderson. That fight lasted the full five championship rounds, as did the other two championship fights on the undercard.
“If I wanted to fall asleep, I could’ve just stayed home and had sex with my wife,” said Al Kellams, who attended the show live with his mistress, Skippy.
“I wanted an exciting night of action watching the fights with my girl, and instead we both dozed off halfway through King Mo’s snoozefest. We slept straight through and didn’t wake up until the Diaz brothers gave Gilbert Melendez the royal beatdown.”
“Totally,” said nearby fan Justin Sanchez. “I’ll never watch Strikeforce fights again, but I’d watch that brawl 24 hours a day, 7 days a week!”
CBS is counting on viewers like that to tune in this summer, when the next Strikeforce show is filmed. The fights will take place as planned, but the cameras will only be turned on after the fights have finished.
At that point, coaches and trainers will be encouraged to get into fights with the opposing fighter’s coaches and trainers. The short brawls would then air as a 30-minute special featuring nothing but condensed, barbaric, moronic b*tch-slapping between people who can’t control their tempers.
“We’ll tell them to push and shove, and stuff,” said Scott Coker, who runs the Strikeforce promotion. “Mayhem Miller will be brought back after almost every fight and demand rematches with the winners, even if he has never fought them before. We might even hire other immature punks like Junie Browning, Phil Baroni, and Tank Abbott. People won’t care if it makes sense or not, they just wanna see mindless brawls that aren’t sanctioned fights.”
Company and network officials were excited about the ratings opportunities, but not everyone shared their enthusiasm.
“I worked by butt off for over 20 years to get to where I am, and no one gives a sh*t,” complained Dan Henderson. “I was out there displaying highly technical skills that take years to master, and all anyone cares about is Nick and Nate punching and kicking Gilbert. Totally unprofessional.”
Henderson failed to explain how his punching Michael Bisping at UFC 100, after Bisping was already clearly unconscious, was any less unprofessional.
CBS officials immediately dropped all negotiations of a planned Fedor Emelianenko vs. Brock Lesnar inter-promotional dream match, and instead held an emergency meeting to set up a series of 10-second post-fight brawls that would be taped after the next scheduled Strikeforce fights.
