Warrior – Link
Mr. and Mrs. Hellwig are pleased to announce the marriage of their son, the Ultimate Warrior, to the Missing Link, son of Mr. and Mrs. Link. Reverend Slick read the single ring ceremony at eight o’clock Saturday evening, February 10, at St. Frances Cabrini in San Jose, CA.
The bride was attractively attired in arm bands, frizzies, tassles, and face paint with black ooze coming out of his cufflinks. The groom was handsomely adorned in face paint, chains, fuzzy boots, and with various parts of his scalp showing. The Warrior is a graduate of Joe Weider Elementary School, while Link has no formal education. Both are former professional wrestlers, and the two met during intermission at the 2004 Republican National Convention. Warrior is a successful public speaker at colleges and universities throughout the country, while the Link’s employment details are unknown.
The couple will reside in parts unknown.
Mr. James E. Cornette and Mr. Danny Davis are pleased to announce the marriage of their entire OVW roster to Melissa “Missy” Hyatt, son of Mr. and Mrs. Hyatt.
The best man was Jason Hervey from the “Wonder Years” and the bride’s maid was Francine. Reverend D-Von read the single ring ceremony at six o’clock Saturday evening, February 10, in the locker room of the OVW fairgrounds.
The bride was attractively attired in sleazy garter belts, a low-cut top, spandex, and dominatrix boots. The groomsmen appeared topless, muscular, heavily juiced, and green. Ms. Hyatt is a graduate of Gold Digger High School in Beverly Hills, CA and is a former performer with the NWA, WCW and ECW. The groomsmen are all current students at the OVW wrestling academy and are signed to WWE developmental contracts. As OVW students are called up to the main WWE roster, Hyatt shall automatically be married to the next graduating class of OVW’s training school. The newlyweds will reside in Louisville, KY.
Feinstein – Patterson
Mr. and Mrs. Feinstein are proud to announce the engagement of their son, Rob, to Pat Patterson, son of Mr. and Mrs. Patterson.
Rob and Pat met at on online chat after both ceased employment with their former employers (ROH and WWE, respectively). The Feinsteins spoke about how enamored their son was with the elder Patterson, and the two fell in love almost instantly. Feinstein, a former promoter for ROH, is currently trying to get back into the wrestling business after an underage sex scandal in 2004. Patterson, a former wrestler in the 1960s and booker for WWE during the 1980s and 1990s, is now semi-retired. Patterson himself was involved in an underage sex scandal in the early 1990s, and the two felt a special bond between them after discovering how much they had in common.
They will marry in March and the couple will reside in San Francisco, CA.
Guerrerea – Guerrera
Mr. and Mrs. Guerrera of Tijuana, Mexico are pleased to announce the engagement of their son, Juventud, to himself.
Juventud and Juventud first had eyes for each other when Juventud reached puberty at age 12. Since then, his parents say, he has been madly in love with himself, his looks, and his attitude. Juventud, a former cruiserweight wrestler in AAA, ECW, WCW, and TNA, currently wrestles for WWE as part of the Mexicool group. While wedding guests were adorned in traditional lucha libre masks, Juventud was married without wearing his famed mask that he lost at SuperBrawl ‘98. Rather than going through with kissing the bride upon official announcement of the marriage, Juventud instead excused himself for 15 minutes while he pleasured himself in the church bathroom.
The two will marry in March in Tijuana, and the couple will reside anywhere except Australia, where Juventud has a warrant out for his arrest following an embarrassing incident there in 2000.