Manboob Mania

WrestleMania 21 is coming up, but is anyone really excited?

We, for one, have a different countdown in mind. And boy do we love countdowns.

A year ago, we counted down the top 10 “manliest” wrestlers of all-time. And now, it’s time for manboobs.

What are manboobs? Breasts on men. Many wrestlers have manboobs, and only the top 10 were chosen for this elite list. So sit back and relax, and enjoy this years premier wrestling event… MANBOOB MANIA.

10. Ric Flair

Boobie-Bouncing Factor: 4

Look, Ric is my all-time favorite, but I’d be lying if I said he didn’t jiggle a little. Not that it’s necessarily his fault; he’s 56, damnit. He’s not a bodybuilder who pumped massive amounts of chemicals into his body like some of the chiseled studs he used to wrestle (I have to sneeze… Hawk-chooooooo). He’s just a regular athlete who trains hard, eats a lot, and drinks a lot.

On top of that, his body has withstood thousands of big bumps, a plane crash, all-night Flair-fests with the ladies, and probably whacks from his wife when she found out about those Flair-fests. All those poundings eventually take a toll on you.

Now, you may wonder why Flair’s boobies used to jiggle a lot MORE when he was in WCW 4-5 years ago. In 2005, logic dictates, his body should jiggle even more than it did in 2000. Instead, he is still wrestling without a shirt, and while he jiggles, it’s less than you’d think.

The only way I can answer that is to say: look at the company Ric keeps. Look at whom he hangs out with. Look who’s in Evolution. Remember what your mom told you about hanging out with the bad crowd? Pretty soon their bad habits start to influence you. Read between the lines.

9. The Rock

Boobie-Bouncing Factor: 3

Rock’s breasts aren’t as bad as Ric’s, but at least Ric never had gyno. God is that embarrassing or what? I remember one episode of Cheers in which the whole plot was based around Cliff Claven’s gynecomastia, which Frasier affectionately called, “Male breast enlargement.”

It was embarrassing then, and it’s embarrassing now, especially for a tough-guy pro wrestler. I don’t remember Clint Eastwood ever having bitch-tit syndrome. Why not? Because it’s girly. Rock had to have his breasts surgically removed, if you can believe that. He might as well have gotten a sex change while he was at it. You can’t have gyno and not make this list.

Did you see when Rock wrestled Flair at WrestleMania? That was the real Manboob Mania. I was afraid one of them was going to start lactating right then and there. I was afraid Rock was going to grab his daughter Simone and start breast-feeding her in the middle of the ring.

Maybe at this year’s WrestleMania, they can have a rematch. Only problem is, it would have to be a bra-and-panties match.

Or, maybe Rock can wrestle Rhyno and they can bill at as “Rhyno vs. Gyno.”

Sorry Rock, you’re #9 on our countdown. Pine away over that as you count your millions.

8. Kamala

Boobie-Bouncing Factor: 5

Kamala’s a good guy. After I saw his shoot interview, I gained new respect for this man. Talk about having no ego whatsoever. He readily admits he’s an uneducated guy from Mississippi who happened to get lucky with a great gimmick that drew a lot of money and made him a lot of money (which he must’ve spent because he’s not a rich man today, to say the least).

Kamala played his gimmick to perfection, and wasn’t a horrible wrestler. Just a good, honest guy who loves his family and never got caught up in the whole drug scene.

But the man loved to eat. And with eating comes boobies.

Kamala would have been ranked even higher here, except his body paint helped disguise his folds of skin, thereby artificially bringing down his boobie-bouncing factor. Kamala was more a belly guy than a boobie guy, and to his credit, he made it work for him. Those of you who remember him from his WWF and WCW days would be shocked at how much money he drew in Mid-South.

I enjoyed watching Kamala, as he leapfrogged over his opponents. When they’d show it in slow-mo, you could see his breasteses pause in mid-flap.

But still, it was hard to notice his chest region when his stomach was so much more attention-getting. That’s a man who loves his food.

7. King Kong Bundy

Boobie-Bouncing Factor: 5

King Kong Bundy was one of the most famous characters from the WWF’s early expansion years. Here’s a guy whose name is so fondly remembered today that if you blurt it out in conversation with someone over 30, suddenly everyone’s eyes turn watery as they remember their childhood. Bundy was a huge, fat guy with a bald head.

He was the perfect foe for Hogan, and his success as a big-man helped shape Vince McMahon’s mind into thinking big men draw money; a mindset he still has to this day.

What hurts Bundy is that he wore those straps, which helped minimize the “bounce.” Had he wrestled topless, he may have been ranked #2 or #3. As it is, he loses out, because of those damn black straps he used to wear.

Plus, I liked Bundy when he guest starred on Married… with Children (twice). His matches were far from classics, but when you’re a kid, you don’t care about classic matches. You care about cartoon characters. And no one looked more like a cartoon character than King Kong Bundy.

6. “Adorable” Adrian Adonis

Boobie-Bouncing Factor: 6

Adonis, who tragically died in a car crash in the 1980s, wasn’t fat his entire career. Anyone who saw Adonis in the AWA knows full well what a talented guy he was.

Jesse Ventura, his tag team partner, was a star on the microphone. Adonis was a star in the ring. As a team, they were the East-West Connection, and they were very entertaining.

When Adonis went to the WWF, he blew up like a balloon. His gimmick was degrading and embarrassing, and his opponents were people like the Junkyard Dog. Still, he remained a workhorse. I’ll never forget his feud with Roddy Piper. The guy knew how to wrestle, get heat, and make you believe he was the person his character portrayed.

And boy, did he have some boobies. Some big ones, soft and hairy. I can still picture the jiggle now from WrestleMania III, as he took big bumps from Roddy Piper’s belt-whacking frenzy. Good stuff. Plus, he wore short, pink tights, accentuating his floppy flapjacks. And his character was gay, so it was easy to imagine him having breasts, because he was feminine. He’s just tailor-made for a list like this.

I miss Adrian. He kept his work ethic when he gained weight, and he was a pleasure to watch bump around the ring while Jimmy Hart jumped up and down in the background like a hyperactive maniac. Let’s raise a toast to Adonis, one of the best-working fat men ever.

5. Bastion Booger

Boobie-Bouncing Factor: 6

Booger had a very similar body to Adonis, but without the top-notch talent. But he played the gimmick very well.

This whole gimmick and character grosses me out, so I’m going to just list him at #5 and leave it at that.

Next.

4. Yokozuna

Boobie-Bouncing Factor: 6

Yoko was trained to eat, so he had an unfair boobie advantage.

Even though he was the fattest of them all, his boobs never bounced as much as you’d think. He was just more solid than the others, especially for a guy topping 500 lbs. That’s not to say he didn’t bounce, because he did. But he kept a lot more weight in his thunder-thighs and thunder-butt than someone like, oh, say, Kamala.

Yokozuna, who has also since passed away, was a big success in wrestling. He revitalized a dead WWF in 1993, becoming one of their big stars and heavyweight champion. He’s also one of the few men to have a pinfall win over Hogan without having to do the job in return. That must drive Hogan nuts.

Yoko got the most bounce when he did the Banzai drop on his opponents. That move, which you have to be insane to want to take, required movement that resulted in maximum bounce of the breast region. For that reason, and also because he was friggin’ round as a planet, cements Yoko’s position on this list for years to come.

3. “Playboy” Buddy Rose

Boobie-Bouncing Factor: 8

Those of you who remember the dying days of the AWA will remember Buddy Rose as one of the few bright spots of the promotion. Buddy even had some memorable tag team matches against Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty when they were the Midnight Rockers, before WWF signed them in 1988.

Buddy, like Adonis, was another talented fat man who took lots of big bumps and was very agile for his size. I never considered him for this list until I saw a recent photo of Buddy from one of the countless wrestling reunion shows going on around the country. Good grief, he was HUGE. Much larger, in fact, than when he was a wrestler. “Rotund” was the word that came to mind.

If Dusty Rhodes is obese, then Buddy Rose is super-duper-uber-obese. I couldn’t believe my eyes, and when I clicked on a different window, a piece of his breast was still on the screen. He was that big. It would be an utter disgrace to leave him off this list. Buddy is a local legend, but he defines the word “manboob.”

2. Dusty Rhodes

Boobie-Bouncing Factor: 9

You knew this was coming. Dusty may be thinner than Buddy, but Buddy is no Dusty. Dusty is what manboob mania is all about, and was the inspiration for this list in the first place.

Dusty is ranked #2 for several reasons. #1, he’s obese. #2, he insisted on wrestling without a shirt well past his prime. #3, not only did he wrestle past his prime, but he also put himself in the main events and kept the other talent down. Dusty’s ego dwarfs his waist size, in fact. If you worked for the NWA in the 1980s, you had to kiss Dusty’s ass or get jobbed out on television. The only booker who would let Dusty headline Starrcades in the late 80s is Dusty himself. And HEY, guess who the booker was back then?? Dusty.

#4, Dusty was a bad wrestler. Buddy Rose had manboobs, but he was a good wrestler. Dusty was slow, stationary, and boob-alicious.

#5, Dusty still wrestles and books today. AJ Styles had to carry Dusty to a decent match last year, during which Dusty nearly died of a heart attack. Seriously, a man that age and in that shape should not be wrestling. Where was the health commission in all this? You always hear how senior citizens should seek their doctor’s advice before exercising. This is no different.

Did Dusty bounce? Hell yes. His bionic elbow sent ripples up and down all over his body to the point he looked like a large, giant, glob of white Jell-o pudding that had just been jolted by an earthquake. When he danced with Sapphire in the ring, they had to reinforce the canvas. And when he went for a dropkick, he actually sprung off the ground a full 2 millimeters. Tell me that doesn’t impress you.

1. Abdullah the Butcher

Boobie-Bouncing Factor: 10+

There is only one Abdullah the Butcher, and how he is still able to live and breathe at his age (let alone wrestle) is one of life’s great mysteries. Why do I bother eating right and exercising, when this guy has absolutely no regard for his body and is still vibrant and full of life.

Abby is a legend in Japan and Puerto Rico, where he still remains a novelty due to his unique look and business acumen. After all, according to Kamala, Abby went out of his way to make sure he was the only African American in the Japanese wrestling business worth a damn. Kamala has a good point, because up until the Bob Sapp phenomenon, I never saw too many African American in Japan’s ranks.

Hmm, I wonder how that happened.

Abby isn’t a major force today, but he’s still hanging around, huffing and puffing through mid-card comedy matches and slicing up his forehead. He’s also in the restaurant business, and since he eats more than anybody, it’s the perfect industry for him.

Nobody bounces more than the Butcher. He hikes his tights up so far up his chest that he makes Fred from I Love Lucy look like a low-riding hip-hugger. Then he has these Iron Sheik-like boots, making him look like a big, fat Santa’s elf. The obligatory bald head makes it appear tiny, which emphasizes the sheer volume of his body mass. Finally, his rolls upon rolls of fat and skin fold on top of each other like stacked towels. Somewhere in there are his breasts, which oughtta be censored from TV they’re so hideous-looking.

He’s a legend, all right. His story, of a human being who gorged himself into oblivion yet was still able to move around and wrestle well into his 60s, is the stuff of legends. Centuries from now, no one will ever believe the legend and tales of Abdullah the Butcher. “People paid to see this man wrestle?” they’ll ask. “They paid to watch him bleed?” “They paid to eat at his restaurants, in some pathetic attempt to eat like, and therefore look like, this man?”

There is truly only one Abdullah the Butcher. And please, let’s keep it that way.