“Chris Jericho Will Save Us” by HHH

I’d be lying (and I don’t lie) if I said that WWE business couldn’t be better, because it could be.

Yes, pay-per-views that I headline do shatter cable records, but whenever I’m out with a torn quad or not in 9 of the 11 segments on Raw, business has been known to dip a little. And while the house shows I’m on sell out within minutes, the shows I don’t do often have weak crowds and sell no merchandise. WWE magazines don’t sell well unless I’m on the cover, and no book has sold many copies since my bodybuilding book a few years ago.

As you can see, a problem persists within WWE, and that is: how can we increase business in non-HHH areas?

Luckily, my friends, we don’t have to worry anymore. Chris Jericho is back to save us, and he will take us to the Promised Land. All hail Chris.

House show crowds are down? Don’t worry, Chris Jericho will save us. With him on the card, thousands of fans will rush to the box office and buy tickets for themselves and all their Jerichoholic friends. No more empty arenas. No sirree, they should all be selling out now, because the mighty Y2J is here.

PPV buyrates are low? Never fear, Chris Jericho is here. He will save us from fans skipping those “B” shows in favor of UFC PPV’s. No one will order a single Chuck Liddell PPV again, because the Ayatollah of Rock n Rolla is here to save us from PPV revenue disappointments. I expect to see record buyrates and 1 million PPV buys (domestically; international PPVs should be even higher) on every show Y2J appears on. Whew, I’m glad those worries are over.

Subscriptions to WWE 24/7 are below expectations? Not to worry, Chris Jericho will save us. We own the video libraries of WCW and SMW, so we can just show old tapes of the Lionheart and the Thrillseekers, and 24/7 subscriptions will be rolling in, 24/7. (Hey, I’m not just the best wrestler ever, I’m also funny.) Who wouldn’t want to shell out $10 a month to see a young Chris Jericho and Lance Storm dancing to the ring by music from Danger Danger? No one, that’s who. I expect to see cable systems crashing from all the demand for 24/7 with vintage Chris Jericho footage.

Merchandise sales lagging? Fear not, WWE stockholders. Now that Raw is Jericho, those T-shirts will be flying off the shelves faster than you can say “Aging, late 30s, short haired former rock star who wimped out and started a family as he tries to pathetically re-live his youth.” Oops, was that out loud? I kid, I kid. I expect to see empty warehouses that can no longer stock Y2J merchandise because of the thunderous demand from millions of fans across the world who need their fix o’ Chris.

WWE magazine circulation decreasing? That’s easy, just put Jericho’s handsome face on the cover, and bookshelves will be collapsing from all the greedy hands of tons of Jericho literates fighting over all the glossy copies. In fact, I expect Canada’s rich forests to be fully depleted as all those trees are used to supply the paper needed to print the extra hundreds of thousands of magazines that we’ll sell with Mr. Save Us on the cover.

Is the WWE Films division not meeting expectations? Let me assuage those concerns, because all they have to do is make a movie starring Chris Jericho, the actor, and movie theaters will be overflowing with paying customers chanting “Y2J” so loudly that they’ll have to turn the volume up to 100 just to hear the film. I fully expect a #1 debut once his film opens, a $90 million opening weekend gross, and a long, 20+ week run in theaters as Ebert and Roper shove both thumbs up (Jericho’s ass; oops, that was out loud again). Move over Rock and Bruce Willis, Hollywood has a new leading man.

How’s business over at WWE’s online shop zone? If it’s anything less than stellar, then I’ve got some advice for you. Post a bunch of stories on the legacy and history of the one and only Chris Jericho, and every computer server in the world will not have enough bandwidth to handle the overwhelming surge of traffic you’ll receive. Mr. Chris Irvine (Jericho’s birth name, as if anyone didn’t know) is constantly atop Google’s most searched keywords, and I expect network outages and record traffic from the hordes of Jerichoholics, salivating at the chance to read more about their hero.

And it doesn’t stop there. When Chris Jericho says he will save us, he doesn’t just mean WWE. He’s also going to save the world. Let’s charter Y2J a jet to the Middle East, because the international diplomacy of future President Jericho will bring peace and harmony to that war-ravaged area of the world. At long last, Jewish people and Arab people will co-exist, cohabitate, and rejoice as they sing the praises of the Almighty one (Jericho, not God, although they are one and the same).

Who has to worry about border control anymore? Just put the big, strong Chris Jericho on the border, and all those illegal immigrants will scurry away in fear of having the Lion Tamer applied on them. They’ll move heaven and Earth to get away from that cool little back flip thingy he does from the 2nd rope.

And with Jericho’s much ballyhooed bomb-sniffing abilities put to use, the Lionheart will halt any illegal drugs, explosives, and weapons of mass destruction from reaching American soil.

With all the money Jericho will make for him and everyone else, America can finally afford universal health care for every single US citizen. If we fall short, which I doubt, then Jericho can finally put that MD degree to use and perform any surgery on anyone who needs it. “Calling Dr. Jericho, Dr. Jericho please come to the front desk.”

Last but not least, Chris Jericho’s world renowned psychic abilities will track down Osama bin Laden and all those bad guy terrorists. His brute strength and proven MMA skills will have al-Qaeda tapping out from the rear naked choke in seconds (Jericho could win the titles of all UFC weight classes if he wanted to, but chooses not to). We can finally bring our troops back home, because Jericho can run both Afghanistan and Iraq on his own, but only after he dismantles all nuclear programs in the Middle East and Europe. This, my friends, would only take him a matter of hours to accomplish. He is our savior.

Please save us, oh great one.

Disclaimer: HHH didn’t really write this. The Armpit did. But we know it’s what HHH would say.