Dear Dr. Dave: Volume 1

“What’s Batista up to?”

That is the question I hear all the time. Where have I been you ask? I’ll tell you where I’ve been:

Getting laid.

And that’s why it drove me nuts to read all the rumors about me on the ‘net. Whatever, dudes. I’ve been burying my head between women’s legs while you’ve all been burying your heads in your asses. Sounds like nothing has changed in the past 20 years, eh?

Because I’m such a sexual God (with all due respect to JBL, the “wrestling” God ((give me a break, Bradshaw)), it’s no wonder why The Armpit recruited yours truly to answer your pathetic email about your pathetic sex lives. I told the ol’ ‘Pit I’d set you all straight, and maybe my sexual prowess will rub off on you the same way you guys rubbed one off to Lita last Monday when she dry humped Edge and flashed her floppy boobie. Or something like that.

So by all means, send all your mail to The Armpit, and he’ll forward all the juicy sex stories to me. Until then, let’s get started with this month’s mailbag:

Dear Dr. Dave,

I’m a heterosexual male, married with 2 kids. I’ve been a wrestling fan for 20 years, and during that time, I’ve slowly developed a strange fascination for those times when wrestlers get their trunks pulled down and their whole bare bottom shows. Granted, this doesn’t turn me on, but I still feel this odd desire to record and collect these moments, and watch them over and over again. In fact, I made a 2-hour compilation of nothing but ass shots, and I must watch that thing at least 3 times a week.

Can you explain this? I’m just a huge fan of guys like Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels, and those guys seem to have their trunks pulled down the most. I like to freeze-frame the TV when that happens, and stare at their butt cracks for hours at a time. If I get lucky, I can see a hair or two, and maybe a pimple here and there. It seems to wrong and so naughty, and perhaps that’s why I like it. Granted, there are moments in wrestling when women lose their tops, but I have no interest in that. I can see naked women on the internet or in magazines all the time. But how often do I get to see the Nature Boy’s ass? Hardly ever. And I think that’s why I’m fascinated. What do you think?

Why Do I Like Ass? (WDILA)
Cheyenne, WY

Look, you fruit, I have no idea why you’re contacting ME with your ass-watching problems, when the person you need to be talking to is that poor wife of yours. It’s so obvious you’re flat-out gay, and any denial of this is absurd. There are a few shots of my ass being shown on TV too. Do you have those? On second thought, don’t answer that.

Hey, I’m a pretty good looking guy. That’s not me bragging, that’s just me telling the truth. I have nothing to do with it; my parents have good genes. But my point is, I know your type. Guys like you would come on to me all the time, especially when I was with another good-looking guy like Orton or the Hardys. You’re all the same. You pretend to be straight, have the wife and kids, the whole 9 yards. Yet, there you are, checking out wrestlers’ ass cheeks. The next thing you know, you’ll be bent over in the hotel lobby, denying your homosexuality as you accept man-meat like it’s no big deal. And perhaps it isn’t a big deal, WDILA, but you NEED to tell your wife. There’s nothing wrong with being gay… but don’t deny it. Embrace it. Quite frankly, there’s no other logical reason you’d be collecting ass shots. And if there is, I don’t want to know about it.

What’s up, Dave? My name is Adam and I’m 9 years old. I’ve been a wrestling fan for 4 years, but my dad has been a fan since before I was born, and he lets me watch his tapes. The problem is that I find myself attracted to older women. For example, I absolutely LOVE Sable! My dad said she’s like 40, but I love her. I’ve also seen tapes of Sensational Sherri, and I find her hot, too. I think Moolah and Mae Young look like my grandma, so I’m not really into them. But it’s the women between 35 and say, 55, that get me really excited. Right now I’m really into Linda McMahon, and Victoria is growing on me. Lillian Garcia is still a little young, but give her 10 years, and look out! My question is: is this normal? My friends think I’m weird, but I prefer to use the term, “mature.”

Mature For My Age (MFMA)
Boise, ID

Hello, “Adam.” You might have fooled the ‘Pit, but you don’t fool me one bit. If you really expect me to believe you’re a 9-year-old, then you must not know who I am. I’m DAVE BATISTA, and I wasn’t born yesterday. That’s why I have a life and job, while my peers are broke and pathetically clinging to the indie scene.

No, “Adam,” what I think is that you’re a horny old man, in his 50s or 60s. You like wrestling, and probably grew up decades ago, raised by some older motherly figure who wasn’t your mother. And as a young boy, you developed a fetish for older women and a disdain for the younger women who rejected you like the pervert you are. You can’t convince me otherwise, and I know this because we don’t accept letters from anyone under 18. Blew your cover there, didn’t I, old man?

Linda McMahon is way too good for your wrinkled carcass, and you should consider yourself LUCKY if Moolah so much as gave you the time of day. As for Mae Young, she’s a nympho, and even she wouldn’t be caught dead with you. You’re pathetic. Lillian is young enough to be your great-granddaughter, and Sable won’t even notice you unless you got a fat wallet. Sherri Martel actually takes pride in her work, and would never ruin her rep by being seen with a walking corpse like you. Get over it. My advice is to hang out at senior centers and aim for widows. That’s your only hope, old man. And don’t ask them to wear a Sable mask, because you’ll get slapped so hard, you’ll end up deader than the dick in Verne Gagne’s pants. Accept your calling in life, or die trying. And the next time you want to try to fool someone into thinking you’re 9 years old, tell it to the judge.

Well that does it for this month, you sick freaks. Follow my advice and you too will soon be getting laid almost as much as I do. And for those sorry souls reading this who wish to seek my vast sexual wisdom, don’t hesitate to contact The Armpit with your sad stories of sex-less-ness. Now if you will excuse me, I’ve got a vagina to invade. Or two. Or three. (Did I mention this trifecta of VaginaMania will all happen at the same time?? Thought I’d throw that in. Envy me.)

Disclaimer: Dave Batista didn’t really write this. The Armpit did. But we know it’s what Dave would say.