Christian’s WWE Contract
Exclusive Copy of What Christian Refused to Sign
A lot of you are probably scratching your heads, wondering why a young guy like Christian would eschew the big-time WWE lifestyle and choose a much less stable, smaller, distant #2 promotion like TNA.
Well, once you see a copy of the WWE contract that was offered to him, you’ll see why.
This contract was presented to Christian at the Cow Palace in San Francisco, which is only about 30 miles from here.
Because of the proximity, we snuck in backstage and stole a copy of the contract. We are now posting it for all of you to see, legal consequences be damned.
Contractee: Jay Reso (also known as Christian)
Contractor: World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc.
We at WWE are pleased to offer a renewal to your current contract with WWE. We’ve very much valued your services since 1998, and it is our pleasure to act as your employer. Please look over the terms of the contract below, and sign on the dotted line. Thank you and welcome once again to WWE!
Contract Terms & Conditions:
- You shall be paid a sum of $10,000.00* per match; among the highest we’ve ever paid one of our superstars.
Amount paid is contingent upon you winning the match by pinfall or submission. Otherwise, the amount shall be $0.25 per match, along with a $5.00* gift certificate redeemable at WWE.com’s Shop Zone.
**Gift certificate is valid only if total purchase is $4,000.00 or more. Gift certificates shall expire 3 minutes following the end of your match.
- WWE maintains the right to change your physical appearance at will. In the past, this included a ridiculous haircut and clothing attire that made you look like a fan out of the audience. In the future, this may include one or more of the following:
i) Shaving your head bald
ii) Giving you mutton chops after HHH decides he doesn’t want his anymore
iii) Amputating one or more of your limbs
iv) Making you wear that outfit Big Show wore against Akebono at WrestleMania 21.
v) Forcing you to wrestle in the nude
vi) Surgically attaching you at the hip to Tyson Tomko
vii) Wearing a luchador mask backwards, so that you can’t see
viii) Wearing a bomb strapped across your chest, capable of being detonated by George “The Animal” Steele (in character)
ix) Wearing a toga, in a tag team with Jim Ross (also in a toga)
x) Tying your hands behind your back, and wrestling while bound and gagged
- As part of our marketing plan for your character, WWE plans to sell and distribute Captain Charisma cereal. Your likeness will appear on the cereal boxes, and you shall receive royalties of – $40.00 per box (As in, negative $40 per box. For example, if 100,000 boxes were sold, you would owe us $4,000,000 in royalties, since 100,000 multiplied by 40 is 4,000,000.)
- You may be the recipient of one of the following streaks:
i) a winning streak*
ii) a losing streak**
*This shall not happen.
**This shall continue to happen.
- You shall no longer be billed from Canada. In fact, you shall no longer be billed from anywhere. The plan is for the ring announcer to not even announce your name or hometown, which is standard procedure for our jobbers. Most of the time, you’ll just be in the ring when the show comes on the air, and your opponent will get a big entrance, walk to the ring, and beat and pin you in short order. In most instances, your matches won’t even air on television (except your hometown market).
- Your push shall be inversely proportional to how over you are with the fans. For example, if you receive a big ovation or get over with the audience, your push shall go downhill. However, even if you do not get over with the fans, your push shall also go downhill.
- You shall NOT ever tease a program or feud with one of our main event level stars. When you were on Raw, you teased a feud with John Cena (SmackDown champion at the time). This will no longer be tolerated. No matter how many fans want to see it or how big a reaction it gets, it’s never going to happen. No way, no shape, no form. It is our suggestion that if you choose to tease a feud, it is done with enhancement talent such as Steve Lombardi (with Steve winning the feud).
- Please note that it may be impossible for you to tease any feuds at all, since as part of the terms of this contract, you will not receive any mic time.
- If you are injured while performing for WWE, we shall pay for all medical expenses in full.*
*Coverage does not include injuries to arms, legs, knees, the neck, the chest, abdominals, the head, or anywhere else where living cells are present.
- If you are injured while performing for WWE, you shall be expected to return to the ring after a period of time when either the injury heals or after a period of time required to toast a piece of bread (whichever is less).
- The Peep Show shall be cancelled, effective immediately.
- The only instance in which you shall be booked against mid-card or main event talent is if it is a handicapped match (ratio must be at least 4:1). For example, if you were to wrestle a superstar the magnitude of Hurricane Helms or Paul London, you would have to team up with at least 3 other WWE wrestlers in order for it to be a fair fight.*
*In such matches, despite having 3 other tag team partners, you shall be the one doing the job.
- WWE believes in elevating its superstars. You teased a program with Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young during that commercial for WrestleMania in which you pretended to get sick when Mae Young spread her legs. It is possible you may be included in a lesbian love triangle with Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young. A video sex tape may be filmed with you three, and your participation would be mandatory.
- Any matches you wrestle shall be dark matches, and not filmed for television (not even filmed for WWE.com).*
*The only time a match may be televised is if it occurs in Canada, during which you’ll do a humiliating job in front of your hometown crowd.
- It is assumed at some point that you will have an appointment with Dr. Hiney, and objects shall be removed from your rectal region. This shall be televised.
- You are to sell all offense during your matches.*
This includes even when you’re the one delivering the offense.**
**You shall not be permitted to deliver any offense.
- WWE wrestler Edge shall sleep with your wife, and your wife shall divorce you.
- You shall be subject to random drug testing.*
*You shall fail this test whether your results are positive or negative.
- All matches from our extensive video library that include you shall be edited out.
- On your days off, you shall be assigned to either Ohio Valley Wrestling or Deep South Wrestling.*
*You are not scheduled to receive any days off.
Please sign below:
Jay Reso a.k.a Christian
Vince McMahon, approving Christian’s signature
HHH, approving Vince’s signature
Stephanie McMahon, approving HHH’s signature