Wrestlers’ Christmas Lists

Christmas is almost here, so in the spirit of the holiday season, it’s a good time to take a look at what some of our favorite wrestlers are requesting for Christmas.  Through my secret sources, I was able to obtain the “Christmas Lists” of many superstars.  I now present them to you here, so please, if you can help these guys out, reach into your pocket and buy them what they really need.

Triple H wants:

  • A new quad
  • Jeff Hardy to tell all the newcomers how much HHH helped his career by working a program with him
  • Stephanie McMahon’s hand in marriage, and half her money so he can open up his own promotion and make himself the top star, world champ, IC champ, hardcore champ, King of the Ring, Royal Rumble winner, and the sole holder of the tag team title
  • Unlimited bottles of clean urine, for “surprise” tests
  • A mass graveyard and a shovel, so he can have his way with all the corpses

The Undertaker wants:

  • His new baby who he can wrestle with in the playpen, but still won’t sell offense for
  • His old hairline
  • To learn how to speak English without sounding like a wanna-be rapper
  • Everyone to forget his horrible feuds with Kamala, Giant Gonzales, the imposter Undertaker, and the Big Show
  • To hire Mike Awesome as his babysitter, just so he can tell the rest of the neighborhood Mike sucks as a babysitter, and be able to ruin his career a 2nd time

Linda McMahon wants:

  • A personality
  • Stockholder press conference audience members who don’t have a clue about wrestling, so they continue asking her stupid, softball-like questions that she can dance around by avoiding the real issues
  • To sleep with 50 men a day, every day for 10 years, so she can be almost halfway even with all the cheating Vince has done on her

Steve Lombardi wants:

  • To be sued by Nicole Bass again, so someone will ask for his autograph in front of the media
  • To reprise his feud with Terry Taylor again, now that he is back as a road agent
  • To have the records show that he in fact has done even fewer clean jobs in WWF than Terry Taylor has

Hulk Hogan wants:

  • To reverse the damage to his skin that decades in the sun have caused
  • To hire Bubba the Love Sponge as his publicist
  • Freddie Blassie as his manager, so he can seem lightning fast in comparison
  • His wins back, against Kurt Angle, Rock, & Brock Lesnar

Big Show wants:

  • Nothing.  He already has the perfect financial arrangement.

Jim Cornette wants:

  • To know why the WWE writing team takes his top talents and gimmicks, and then jobs them on television.

Mark Henry wants:

  • Time to stand still, because he knows that the second his 10-yr contract is up, he’s finished

Josh from Tough Enough wants:

  • MTV to run as many Tough Enough reruns as possible, so he can up his asking price on the indie scene

Jimmy Hart wants:

  • His investors to forget all about “that XWF thing.”

Randy Orton wants:

  • To thank his lucky stars that he wasn’t a part of Raw when the necrophilia episode aired, so he wouldn’t be associated with that crap

Vince McMahon wants:

  • A finger that will go on the pulse of what America needs, because right now he doesn’t have an F’n clue
  • Someone to shoot an angle with, so he can wrestle him and have a reason to show off his muscles on TV
  • To pathetically create artificial controversy to get his name in the press again, instead of turning his company around the old-fashioned way: creating stars around simple storylines that make sense

Steve Austin wants:

  • To laugh, at how WWE falls apart at the seams in his absence, even though it was still falling apart when he was still there
  • To take bets on exactly what time Vince will call him as he makes his plans for WrestleMania’s main event

Paul Heyman wants:

  • Stephanie McMahon and Brian Gewirtz to disappear, so he can have full control of SmackDown without those 2 ruining his booking ideas

Vince Russo wants:

  • The calendar to say 1999, so his ideas and concepts stand a fighting chance at looking anywhere close to innovative

Ron Killings aka K-Kwik wants:

  • To go back in time and erase those comments he made about never wanting to go back to WWE again, since he knows NWA TNA is doomed to nowhere
  • His rap career to take off, since he knows even WWE is doomed to go nowhere

Jerry Jarrett wants:

  • His son Jeff to lose his hard-on for Russo, so he can go back to booking a wrestling show that makes sense
  • Someone else to sabotage NWA TNA, so he can rid himself of the headache without blaming who’s really responsible: himself

Jeff Jarrett wants:

  • A way to somehow get over on his own, so that a booker besides Russo will even bother to give him a push

Brian Lawler wants:

  • To be able to bring home a date without his father ogling all over her like a mad dog

Bill DeMott wants:

  • No one to ever ask him to demonstrate one of the drills on Tough Enough, because Lord knows he’s not in shape to even jog one lap without huffing and puffing

Lex Luger wants:

  • International promoters to book him, so he can make people believe there’s still interest in him and that he could work for WWE if he really wanted to

The Rock wants:

  • WWE to continue their free-fall, so that he’ll always have something to fall back on in case his film career fizzles

Pat Patterson wants:

  • Rosie & Jamal to potato him again, just as long as he gets a male nurse to take care of him at the hospital

and finally…

The WWE fans want:

  • Vince McMahon, Stephanie McMahon, Brian Gewirtz, HHH, and Undertaker to just go away and put Heyman & Hayes in charge
  • NWA TNA to dump Russo, so they have a reason to start buying the PPVs again
  • Ted Turner to start his own network and fund a wrestling promotion again, just as long as he puts someone in charge who isn’t related to the Herds, Watts’s, Rhodes’s, Andersons, Sullivans, or the Bischoffs