Where, Oh Where, is the Hair?

December 17, 2007 The Wrestling Professor

Call me crazy, but a main reason I think so many of today’s stars can’t get over comes down to one thing: they look like f*ckin’ dorks.

Despite what Nirvana and all those alterna-wimp bands would like to believe, image is extremely important. For example, do you think Howard Stern would have been a success if, instead of looking like this…

…he looked like this?

Of course not. So it frustrates me to no end when I see wrestlers do something so incredibly stupid: cut their hair.

I mean, really, what the f*ck was Chris Jericho thinking? I predicted before he came back that his return would be a total bust after the first week or two, once people found out that he has the one quality that is the death knell to any entertainer in any industry: he looks normal.

People have no interest in paying to see people who look like their accountant, their big brother, or their dorky neighbor. Never have, never will. They will only pay to see stars.

And Chris Jericho no longer looks like a star.

Today we are going to examine some wrestlers who USED TO look like stars, but now look like, nice, neat, clean cut, normal, everyday Joe’s. And in most cases, you’ll notice one common missing ingredient among them all: hair. Let’s begin with the most recent and most relevant… Y2J.

Chris Jericho

The Ayatollah of Rock n Rolla now looks like a geeky intern learning about stocks on Wall Street. What a disappointment to see the former David Lee Roth clone look like a Weezer clone. My only consolation is that #1, he has been a flop ever since his second week back, and #2, that he had to come back to WWE in the first place. If you recall, this guy left because he thought he could make it in music and in acting. He failed in both. So now he has to suck it up, deny steroid use (what a crock), and kiss HHH’s ass for his job back. That would be ok if he showed up looking like Chris Jericho again. Instead, he showed up looking like Nick Lachey.

WITH HAIR:

-rock star lookin’ king of cool
-lead singer of Fozzy, covering tunes by Twisted Sister, Motley Crue, and Iron Maiden
-tearin’ down the house with Rey Mysterio, Juventud Guerrera, Chris Benoit, Dean Malenko, and countless others
-shiny, cool clothes that made him stand out from the pack
-funny, witty, huge pops, great gimmick, and loved by all
-looked like he stepped off the cover of Metal Edge magazine.

WITHOUT HAIR:

-accountant-lookin’ king of tools
-lead singer of Fozzy, writing his own songs and playing to empty clubs as he pathetically tries to pull off the David Lee Roth persona with an N’ Sync haircut
-boring crowds to sleep with Umaga, Randy Orton, and whoever else he’ll wrestle this year
-lame, normal clothes that make him look like everyone else in a church choir
-looks like he stepped off the cover of GQ magazine

Hey Chris, grow your hair long again, come clean about steroid use, dig up your old wardrobe, and go back to being the coolest motherf*cker on the planet like you used to be.

**LEFT: Let’s Rock! RIGHT: Let’s study and look boring.**

Christian

Man, this guy oozed charisma when he’d come to the ring with his ski hat and huge sunglasses. He had potential to be huge, even without Edge. Instead, he cut his locks and lost every bit of charisma he ever had. His career tanked, fans stopped caring about him, and he bailed to TNA, where he made zero impact.

WITH HAIR:

-rock star lookin’ main event headliner with unlimited potential
-shiny pants, fishnet top, and unique hat and glasses
-four-star ladder matches with the Hardys, Dudleys, and all teams in between
-5-second pose, witty lines, and hilarious promos

WITHOUT HAIR:

-looks like your parents’ friends’ older son who would come over your house and talk about life in college
-faded jeans, t-shirts from Old Navy, and shoes that even geeks wouldn’t wear
-two-star duds with Abyss, Sting, Jeff Jarrett, and TNA’s finest
-calm, quiet interviews with Tyson Tomko in the background, making me reach for the remote

Hey Christian, you’re never going to make it in Hollywood, so go back to how you looked in 2000 and be the huge star you can be, instead of looking like some guy in the crowd.

**LEFT: Future WWE headliner; RIGHT: Future TNA jobber**

Big Show

Here’s a guy genetically blessed with the gift of never having to worry about anyone f*cking with him. He can do what he wants, and even the police will back off. He has carte blanche to do whatever he wants. He was main eventing WCW PPVs against Hulk Hogan in his 20s, and got over as one of WCW’s few home grown superstars. He joined the nWo, and seemed primed for success. He was the only giant since Andre who ever got over. And then it all came to a screeching halt.

WITH HAIR:

-neanderthal lookin’ freak of nature who would scare your mother, your grandmother, and even your tough Italian uncle to tears
-monster who would scream, yell, raise his hand, and make lesser men scurry to their bunkers
-thin, muscular, and athletic
-destined for major success for years to come
-would crush any Hollywood actor with his bare hands

WITHOUT HAIR:

-frat boy lookin’ goofball who couldn’t even scare a fly
-fat kid in the back of the room who would eat, fart, raise his hand, and make thinner men scurry to their desks for fear of being eaten
-overweight, obese, and immobile
-lucky to be a mid-card ECW comedy figure
-chatting it up as a guest of Saturday Night Live, laughing and smiling like a normal person