HHH and Stephanie McMahon Have a Baby

Live Report from the Hospital

Just as we were the first and only website to provide you with live, in-person coverage of the HHH-Stephanie McMahon wedding, we’re now breaking the hottest story of the year one more time.

Stop the presses… Stephanie McMahon Helmsley and HHH are now parents. And being that The Armpit is the #1 most respected wrestling website around, we were personally invited by Jim Ross to come to the hospital and see the new father, the new mother, and their new bundle of joy.

We weren’t alone, though. Scores of wrestlers, past and present, were in attendance for this grand event. Just like our wedding report, we have transcribed our notes and published them for all of you to see.

…HHH looks as proud as can be. A typical new father, he wants to bronze the baby’s shoe. The doctor informs him that there is no bronze material available. “No problem, I know where to get some brown stuff,” he says. “Hey Ric, come here!” Ric Flair comes over immediately. HHH grabs Ric by the hair and rubs Ric’s nose all over the baby’s shoe, bronzing it. “Jeez HHH, all that time shoving my nose up your ass finally paid off, eh?” Ric says…

…lurking in the hallway is a face everyone is very familiar with. Indeed, the Kliq is here. And there’s Scott Hall, his big, brooding body stumbling through the hospital, bouncing in between the walls and tripping all over himself. Beer bottles are everywhere, and he’s slurring his words incoherently. His messy, long black hair is all over his face and his breath smells of stale liquor. Oops, my mistake. That’s not Scott Hall, it’s Chyna Doll…

…you read it in the newspaper every day, but never until now did I realize just how bad the nursing shortage is in America. I talked to one of the nurses, and she said she works 3 shifts per day because there just isn’t enough staff. “Those guys over there, they work here as their 2nd job, because their regular jobs just don’t pay them anything. They make more as nurses than they do at their regular jobs.” She points to the other nurses, and they turn around and wave. Good grief, it’s former WWE tag team champions Paul London and Billy Kidman…

…it’s a little cramped inside the room, so the hospital staff asked the doctor to kindly move his bag of needles and syringes out of the way. “What are you talking about? Those aren’t mine,” said the doctor. “Oh sorry guys, those are mine. I’ll move them now,” said Batista…

…WWE ring announcer Lillian Garcia looks really overjoyed. “I can’t believe it, 6 pounds and 6 ounces!” she proclaims. “Wow,” I told her. “That’s how much the baby weighs?” “No,” she answers. “I’m using this scale over here to weigh Spike Dudley.”…

…I tried looking for the doctor, to maybe get a quote or two from him for my notes. I asked the front desk where the doctor is. “That’s him over there, the large African American gentleman. His nickname here is Special Delivery.” “Why is that,” I asked, “because he delivers all the babies?” “No,” she responded. “That was his ring name when he was a wrestler. He’s the former WWF jobber from the 80s, S.D. Jones.”…

… in a very rare moment, I got a chance to stand close to HHH. I asked him what names they had been thinking of naming the baby. He said, “I told Stephanie, if it’s a boy, call it HHH. If it’s a girl, call it HHH. Oh, did I tell you? Stephanie isn’t named Stephanie anymore. She’s named HHH. Same with that guy over there, see him? Hey HHH, how’s it going?” “Mighty fine, sir!” says the wrestler formerly known as Ric Flair…

…the good news is there’s lots of male bonding going on. For instance, all the shady-looking doctors are noticeably very friendly with Batista, Tyson Tomko, Mohammad Hassan, Bob Holly, Mark Jindrak, Scott Steiner, Lex Luger, Buff Bagwell, and Hector Garza. Strangely, it seems as if they have all known each other for years. Oh my, look at that. They all get in a room and close the door, as one particularly large doctor hangs a “Do not disturb” sign on the door…

…the new baby is already acting very mature for his age. It needs breast-feeding, but Stephanie is too overwhelmed and exhausted to do it. Nice guy that he is, Ric Flair takes off his shirt and offers to do it for her…

…one of the better looking nurses giggles and walks away. On her rear-end is a hand-print of Vince McMahon’s hand. What a dirty old man. I laugh silently to myself and go on about my business. Whoa! What was that noise?? I look behind me, and suddenly Linda McMahon’s hand-print is on Vince’s face, and the paramedics are tending to Vince…

…Chris Benoit, a father himself, is allowed to hold the new baby. But Linda McMahon informs him that he’s “Only allowed to hold it for a short while before giving it back to HHH.” “Sort of like the WWE world title, hey Ric?” says HHH, laughing with Flair, Kevin Sullivan, and the other WWE writers…

…Vince McMahon gives the baby a pencil and paper, on which the baby scribbles something incomprehensible. Vince looks at it, widens his eyes, and laughs. “I don’t believe it. This is better than Russo’s Raw scripts.”…

…Jim Cornette takes a look at the same piece of paper later, and quietly remarks to Al Snow, “Hell, this is even better than Stephanie’s Raw scripts.”…

…the bulletin board behind me is just plastered with flyers advertising new businesses and community events. One flyer catches my eye, because I recognize the faces on there as former WWE employees. “Pat and Mel’s Babysitting Service. Boys only!” Goodness, those two are at it again…

…Shawn Michaels, also a father himself, steps in to take a look. “How cute. I love kids, but only when they grow up. When they’re babies, all they do is whine and cry until they get what they want. And if they don’t like something, they stomp, shout, and cry for attention. I just hate that.” All the talking in the room stops, and everyone’s eyes slowly turn to Shawn in disbelief at what he said. No one in the room, it seems, has forgotten about Shawn’s antics from 1995 through 1998…

…in the back of the room, Dusty Rhodes, Bill Watts and WWE writer Brian Gerwitz are discussing plans for a WrestleMania 40 main event of a 3-way match between Erik Watts, Dustin Rhodes, and HHH’s new kid…

…Rene Dupree is allowed in briefly to play with the baby. Not knowing his own strength, Rene inadvertently got a little rough and accidentally touched the baby too firmly. Amazingly, the baby raised its fist and punched Dupree, knocking him out cold…

…hours later, the baby is obviously progressing rapidly. The baby is later seen in the corner, teaching Jimmy Snuka and Captain Lou Albano how to read and write…

…the nurse in charge is taking roll of all the babies in the delivery room. “Wait a minute, these are all boys. Where are the FEMALE babies?” All eyes turn to Jerry Lawler, who has surrounded himself with all the missing babies, trying to give them his phone number…

…in a pathetic scene, Mick Foley is going around the room trying to sell all the new parents his new children’s book, Tales from Wrescal Lane. Embarrassingly, all the parents, much like the general public, politely decline to purchase…

…in an example that a small percentage of the public still believes wrestling is real, all the resident psychiatrists are openly giving their business cards to Eugene…

…breaking character, the Undertaker starts acting all goofy, making silly faces at the baby. At one point, the Undertaker has his mouth wide open, sticking his tongue out. Unfortunately, the baby can’t control his laughter any more and shoots a stream of urine right at Undertaker’s face…

…I finally get a chance to see the baby up close. He definitely has some of HHH’s features, for sure. Strangely, he doesn’t look anything like Stephanie. But I do see a lot of Katie Vick in him…

…at the front desk is a large cardboard poster that reads “Do NOT take checks from this man.” Below the headline is a picture of Paul Heyman…

…I hear an old lady yell out, “Excuse me, little boy. Are you lost? Where’s your mommy and daddy?” Vince McMahon hears this and gets furious. “DAMNIT Rey Mysterio! I told you to always wear your mask in public!!”…

…as everyone is standing around, we notice something flying in the window. Every 2 seconds, a man’s head appears in the window, and then disappears. Obviously concerned, HHH goes over to the window to see what’s going on. It turns out Gene Snitsky is jumping up and down outside, trying to peek in the window. Apparently no one from the hospital is letting Snitsky or Lita near the delivery room…

…it’s getting late, and the baby is crying out of control. We try everything, but he just won’t fall asleep. Finally Eric Bischoff comes up with an ingenious idea to show the baby some old tapes of WCW Nitro from 1999. It works like a charm, and the baby falls asleep in seconds…

…there’s commotion going on, as the paramedics are responding to an overweight gentleman in his 50s who is critically out of breath. Upon further look, the victim appears to be wrestling legend Dusty Rhodes. We’re on the 2nd floor, and the elevator is broken, so poor Dusty had to walk up one flight of stairs…

…Missy Hyatt, Francine, Terri Runnels, Fabulous Moolah, Tammy Sytch, and Rena “Sable” Mero are sitting in the waiting room, waiting to be called for their flu shot appointment. The nurse steps in and asks them, “Which one of you is Moolah?” I try to help her out by saying, “Moolah’s the old-looking one,” hoping she’ll figure it out. The nurse says, “I’ll ask this again, Which one of you is Moolah?”…

…a group of senior citizens is sitting around the table, playing poker. These folks are obviously senile, but it’s good to see them having fun and hanging out. Unfortunately, a fast-talking blond man is there trying to swindle some money out of the old men. This is horrible. Finally, the secretary is able to take the man away and report him to security. That Bobby Heenan, what a scam artist…

…everyone is having fun, but the celebration has perhaps been going on too long. So long, in fact, that by 10pm, HHH has shattered all existing records and become a 56-time world champion…

…with it getting so late on a Sunday night, I spoke up and suggested we go home and rest so that everyone could start working on tomorrow night’s Raw script. The room turns dead silent, and William Regal turns to me and says, “Young man, what in the bloody Hell are you talking about? Everyone knows we don’t start working on the Raw script until 2 minutes before showtime. Hell, why do you think the shows are so bloody awful?”…

…the resident crazy person in our room wakes up for his regular 11pm peanut feeding. Unfortunately, his caretaker is nowhere to be found. The crazy man walks everywhere, trying to find a peanut. Within minutes, I see him grabbing Teddy Long’s head…

…in another example of trying to out-gross everyone, Tommy Dreamer is walking around the hospital trying to drink all the bags of urine laying on the ground…

…Goodness!!! A loud, horrible shriek is heard from down the hall, followed by the sound of a person feinting on the floor. Gerald Brisco goes to check and see what the problem is. He comes back a minute later, “No worries, Mr. Mac-Mahon. Viscera just got naked for his annual physical, and the nurse was a little shocked. Everything’s okay now.”…

…in the opposite corner, all the proctologists are drawing straws as to who will be forced to give Rikishi his digital rectal exam…

…every 5 minutes, I look over and see Joanie Laurer and Sean Waltman fist-fighting, then making out, then fist-fighting again, then making out again, and so on…

…in a final scene that ends the night on an awkward note, Vince McMahon makes a toast to HHH, “I’m so excited to be a grandfather for the first time!! I’m so proud of you, son! Congratulations!” Obviously upset, Shane McMahon quickly yells out, “What do you mean, Dad? You’re already a grandfather, remember? I had a son before Stephanie did.” Vince looks confused, “And who are you, sir?” Shane has now gone from very upset to very hurt. “Dad, it’s me Shane! Your son!” “What are you talking about sir, I only have one son, and his name is HHH!” says Vince. “But Dad… wait, I’m your son, really. I’m Shane! Tell him, Mom!” Linda McMahon looks pissed, giving the same look she gives when reporters ask her questions at WWE quarterly stockholder meetings. “Young man, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Security, escort him out of here please.” TNA’s Red Shirt Security takes Shane McMahon away, as he kicks and screams. No one comes to his defense, even Shane’s wife Marissa, fearing that making HHH upset would ruin their careers. On a positive note, the McMahons all sit down for a family portrait: Vince, Linda, Stephanie, HHH, and the new baby. Ric Flair tries to peak his head in, but photographer Bill Apter pushes him aside. The family portrait turns out to be absolutely beautiful. Long live the McMaHHHons!!…