A Wrestler’s Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving has long been a historic night in professional wrestling.  Regional promoters banked on Thanksgiving for years as their biggest drawing night of the year.  Vince McMahon even made Turkey Day the annual showing of Survivor Series in the early years.  With the rich association of wrestling and Thanksgiving, I thought now would be a good time to tell you what our favorite wrestlers are thankful for.

HHH is thankful Vince McMahon is stupid enough to buy into his backstage politicking bullshit.

Shawn Michaels is thankful one of his adoring, dead fans was filthy rich and kooky enough to have left him a multi-million dollar inheritance that guarantees he’ll never have to wrestle again.

Steve Austin is thankful the mainstream media ignores wrestling and didn’t make as big a deal of his domestic abuse problems as they could have.

X-Pac is thankful the Jarretts are desperate for any sort of star power whatsoever, no matter how much of a crybaby you are.

Scott Hall is thankful, well, for the same thing.

Kevin Nash is thankful for, well, nothing.  But we fans are thankful we didn’t have to watch him wrestle much this year.

Vince Russo is thankful that in wrestling, one good reputation is worth more than a million bad ones, no matter how long ago you earned that good reputation.

Eric Bischoff is thankful that no one has ripped his head off from his shoulders yet.

Booker T is thankful that… wait a minute.  Where’s Booker?  Don’t tell me he still thinks Thanksgiving is in October!

Mick Foley is thankful he quit when he did.  Not only would his body not have stayed in one piece, but WWE TV is so bad now that he’d be longing for his “Cactus Jack has amnesia” WCW days

Paul Heyman is thankful that Undertaker and HHH stayed away from SmackDown long enough for him to get Brock Lesnar over as a huge monster for SummerSlam… until Undertaker came back a week later and no-sold for him.

Big Show is thankful that Vince will forever believe big guys should be main-eventers, no matter how many fans don’t give a shit about you.

Rey Misterio is thankful Paul Heyman has a say in SmackDown’s booking, or else he’d be jobbing to Mark Henry on Heat.

Hugh Morrus aka Bill DeMott is thankful no one on Tough Enough hasn’t asked him, “How come Undertaker, Big Show, Mark Henry, the Island Boys, Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, and 90% of the WWE roster gets a push, and they couldn’t jog 2 laps to save their lives, and we have to do all these stupid drills that nearly leave us for dead?”

Hulk Hogan is thankful that you can kill TV ratings, sell no tickets, and have horrible matches, but a strong crowd reaction is enough for Vince to give you the WWE title.

RVD is thankful that the Raw roster is so paper thin, which ensures he’ll get a push even if HHH designs it so that he looks like a goof.

Bobby Heenan is thankful that in America, you can do nothing but talk about your life for a few hours and have someone write your book for you, and still call yourself an author for doing absolutely nothing.

Jerry Lawler is thankful that he was good enough for a few years that he can now just stick to his old act and earn hundreds of thousands of dollars for saying absolutely nothing of substance.

Jim Cornette is thankful that Vince Russo got a chance to speak at WWE meetings, so that everyone could hear for themselves just what a complete moron he really is and fire him immediately.

Joanie “Chyna” Laurer is thankful that New Japan is as clueless as her former employer, and thus she’ll always be able to convince them she’s still a big star.

Dusty Rhodes is thankful he has Turnbuckle Championship Wrestling so he can get all the screwjob finishes, nepotism, overpushed stiffs, and 20-matches-per-card booking out of his system.

USA Network is thankful they’re not the ones trying to explain to the media why a freakish bodybuilder was on their network performing necrophilia.

TNN and UPN are thankful that every year that goes by, they’re one step closer to ending their contract with WWE.

Ron Simmons is thankful that Jim Ross has a hard-on for football players, and that as long as he heads the talent coordination, he’ll always have a job.

Randy Orton is thankful his father was a WWF star, or else he’d never have gotten a 2nd look.

Steve Lombardi is thankful that the newspapers reported one of the Nicole Bass jurors asked for his autograph, given that he hasn’t had to sign one since his gimmick got any sort of push… back in 1989.

Wade Keller is thankful he has thousands of subscribers who haven’t discovered the Observer yet, because if they did they’d put an end to their Torch subscriptions faster than you can say, “Bruce Mitchell is an ass.”

Christian is thankful that his “temper tantrum” gimmick is finished, even though he still loses the same amount of matches.

Dr. James Andrews is thankful that WWE will always give him business because of their constant hot-shotting of dangerous angles and ladder matches that build to nothing and only serve to hurt people and increase the ratings by a pathetic 0.1.

And finally…

The Rock is thankful that WWE business is dying, so that he’ll always be asked to come back for big paydays a few times a year and just put over guys like Brock, who Undertaker and HHH will proceed bury as soon as he leaves to film his next movie.