HHH Marries Stephanie McMahon
Live Report of Long Awaited Nuptials
As most of you know, Hunter Hearst Helmsley married Stephanie McMahon last year. It quietly happened, and only close friends and family were invited.
Below is a report by our live correspondent, who has requested anonymity.
…I’m sitting in the back, patiently waiting for the proceedings to begin. I see a dark, hulking figure in the back, and he’s looking nervous. You know, we give HHH a lot of flack, but he really is one masculine dude. He has gotten really thick, deepened his voice, and makes weaker men scurry away in fear. He seems to have darkened his hair brunette for the wedding, which is a classy touch. Wait a minute, that isn’t HHH. It’s Stephanie. My mistake…
…despite recent WWE budget cutbacks, no expenses were spared for this wedding. The minister’s podium is made of finely aged wood, with a chrome-silver top. It’s sturdy, broad, and won’t budge at all. What an antique. Wait, hold that thought. That isn’t the wooden podium; it’s Linda McMahon…
…lots of old friends have set their differences aside to celebrate tonight. Hey look, there’s Bret Hart. Aww look, he’s on one knee, praying for their marital bliss. Very sweet. Next to him, something catches my eye. It’s a skinny, older gentleman lying on the floor, his legs wriggling in pain. What the…hold on, Bret isn’t kneeling in prayer, he’s choking Earl Hebner with his shin…
…yikes, I think I’ll go outside to cool off. It’s Bill Goldberg, looking sharp. Proud of his heritage, he shouts, “I’m Jewish!” A group of young ladies to the left shouts back, “I’m Christian!” Forgetting he’s at church and thinking he’s at a Raw taping, Goldberg hears the word “Christian,” and spears the entire group of young ladies. We’re off to a rough start…
…watching the Goldberg incident, Christian and his buddy Edge giggle with laughter. WWE writer Brian Gewirtz comes over to them and kindly reminds them that neither is permitted to talk while HHH is in the room. After scolding them, Gewirtz is overheard telling fellow writer Michael Hayes, “Those goofs. If I didn’t write it, they shouldn’t say it.” Hayes just rolls his eyes…
…the bride’s maid looks picture perfect playing her role. Pat Patterson was a great choice…
…way in the back of the church, the wedding planner informs TNA financial backer and Panda Energy executive Dixie Carter that there are more people in attendance at the wedding than at any TNA live event in the past 2 years combined…
…fresh out of prison for illegal steroid distribution, Dr. George Zahorian is seen parking his car out front. Wow, I guess he’s back on good terms with WWE. He looks to be popular, as the entire roster of OVW is lined up to greet him in his van, holding empty bags they hope to fill with “goodies”…
…speaking of illegal drugs, the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) was tipped off about the wedding, and they’re closely watching in the back. Steiner and Test have arrived. Uh-oh, I smell trouble. Steiner and Test are each carrying a duffle bag. Play it cool guys, play it cool. Oh no, there’s Goldust. Just as the DEA agents are patting down Test & Steiner, Goldust blurts out,”Needles and pills in duffle bags, ooo ooo hyaaa hyaaaaa!!” Ugh, great timing to have a Tourette’s attack…
…Roddy Piper shows up, in his kilt. Roddy is a little slow these days, but he was shrewd enough to catch Rico looking up his kilt. When asked about it, Rico looked flustered and said, “Err, uhh, just enforcing kayfabe!! You know, us oldtimers love kayfabe!” Nobody believed him. Mark Henry came to his defense, though. “It’s all right, man. Sometimes when you play a gimmick so much, you BECOME that gimmick in real life. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to that piece of ass, Mae Young”…
…in a sign that house show payoffs have reached new lows, mid-carders Billy Kidman and Paul London are seen sifting through the garbage, looking for food. They don’t find any, but at the bottom of the trash, they do find the “smile” that Shawn Michaels’ lost…
…things are going slowly, so to pass the time, I take a gander at the Guest List. Very interesting. On the bottom, I see two names that are crossed out: X-Pac and Chyna…
…things are going so slowly at this point, that by the time Stephanie gets the cue to come down the aisle, Dustin Rhodes’ ex-wife Terri “Marlena” Boatright has already married and divorced half the people in the room…
…behind me, Undertaker’s baby is crying his lungs out. It’s really getting on everyone’s nerves, but no one has the balls to speak up. Finally, William Regal can take no more. “Will you shut the young lad up, or else I’ll give it a royal thrashing!” I laugh silently and go back to my business… 3 minutes pass and I look back again. My goodness, William Regal has been beheaded!…
…good to see Jim Cornette again. Kind of sad to see him having trouble convincing the host he was on the Guest List. No one came to his aid, either. Seems no one on the WWE payroll knew enough about 80s wrestling history to remember who Cornette is…
…the altar boys are getting a massage backstage. Their masseuse looks really happy. Good to see Mel Phillips has found work again…
…the host looks disappointed that the Big Show hadn’t arrived yet. He phoned the restaurant that housed the reception dinner, and Big Show had gotten there way too early. The chefs informed the host that thanks to Show, there was now no food left for the reception…
…the music hits, and Stephanie comes down the aisle with Vince. At this point, the minister asks, “Who gives this bride away?” Normally, the father responds, “Her mother and I.” In this case, Vince said, “Her mother, 2,000 hookers, hundreds of leftover ring rats, Pat & Terry & Mel that drunken night in San Fran, most of the Divas, her brother Shane, and I. Did I mention I gave one of the ring rats 6 orgasms in one night?”…
…the Best Man is Ric Flair. Normally, it’s the Best Man’s job to give the ring to the groom. In this case, HHH simply presents his ring to himself. “You can’t do that!” said the minister. To which HHH replied, “Sure I can. How do you think I won my WWE Raw title?” …
OK shhh, time for the vows…
Minister: Do you, Paul Levesque, take this woman to be your beloved wife? To share and care forever, to love and cherish?
HHH: I do.
Minister: Do you, Paul Levesque, promise to hold back talent, kick out of finishers and near falls, allow no offense, sell as unconvincingly as possible, squash every up and coming new talent that starts to get over, laugh at the top babyfaces and make them look incompetent, dominate airtime, point fingers when things go wrong, whisper in Vince’s ear that Jericho doesn’t have what it takes, protect your top spot, remain the focus of Raw even when you’re gone, and make sure no one ever surpasses you as top dog?
HHH: I do.
Jericho (whispering to Lance Storm): He already has. You don’t see Jeff Hardy, Eugene, or RVD here, do you?
Storm: I know. In fact, I’m surprised we were even invited.
Jericho: We weren’t. I told the host I was Mongoose McQueen and that you were my roadie. He bought it, hook-line-and sinker. Thank God for Fozzy.
Storm: That’s blasphemy!
Jericho: You’re right, I’m sorry. Thank HHH for Fozzy.
Minister: And do you, Stephanie, take this man to be your beloved husband, to share and care forever, to love and to cherish?
Stephanie: I do.
Minister: Do you promise to push him to the moon, involve yourself in all the top angles, get yourself over at the expense of your talent, back down all the tough heels to make sure they don’t look cool or menacing, become a worse actress, pretend men actually desire you sexually, go on Howard Stern and tell the world HHH has no ball hair, and not let 10 minutes of TV time pass by without us having to suffer through seeing you in every Goddamn segment?
Stephanie: I do.
Minister: Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce American pro wrestling DEAD AND GONE FOREVER!!
